crisberube Posted January 31, 2012 Report Share Posted January 31, 2012 I had been doing really well for the past 4 months or so. Only a few times where I have felt a little down but I was able to shake the feeling and move on. This past week have been really hard on my. No big life changes or events that I can think of that would triger a change in my mood but I can see that I am different. I feel lost and full of resentments of where I am in life and the problems that I face on a daily basis. I feel alone most of the time with no support, Nights are really rough i feel like I am crawling out of my skin. I want to do something about it but the only thoughts that pop into my head are ones of "old behaviors" that I have worked so hard on overcoming. I am just over 3 years sober from all substances and have not self injured in about 2 1/2 years. Last night I was looking at my scars and wished I could just take a razor and make my self feel better. It scared me that I had this thought because I dont want to go down that path. I really want to feel just ok that feeling is better then the feelins I am having now. I am hopless and feel alone and ned help and support from those who understand that is why I am turning here because I can not go on this way any more its not a happy time.,:eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted January 31, 2012 Report Share Posted January 31, 2012 It sounds as though you have made excellent progress over the past few years. Good for you. I'm sorry you are feeling alone and sad right now. My heart goes out to you. Can you do something for yourself that brings feelings of comfort? Exercise? Reading? Music? We're here and listening. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crisberube Posted February 1, 2012 Author Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 I called my counsling place and tried to make an appointment to see the psychartist but no luck cant get in for weeks. The only way I can is if i come in and just sit in the waiting room alllday and if there is a no show they can take me in!!!!!UgghI got even more depressed today i feel like I cant be myself i feel so dirty and fake. I am living a life that my mom wants me to live. I am a lesbian and my family does not agree with that life stylle so I dont share with them. I have grown my hair back out and i dress like I did b4 I came out. I am living the way they want me to live. It dawned on me that I will never be able to bring my girlfrend home with me for family functions. I sometime wounder why I came home to Mainel.....WHy did i uproot my self and come back to such monsters......but then I am scared to go back to Ohio because im a mess and idk im just so lost and confussed. I know who I am and who I am not being.I was in classes most of the day today and had a real hard time stay present in the class. my mind keep on woundering and haivng thoughts of self-harm, drinking and starving myself.....cuz boy was life so much better when I was involved with those activities....NOT!!!!!!. I know what I need to do but I have no energy anymore i just want to isolate and be alone in my misery but I dont uggh I just want to be normal and live a normal life with out worry about what mood I will be in and how I will react to lifes stressors:mad: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted February 1, 2012 Report Share Posted February 1, 2012 This all sounds very painful and stressful, Crystal. I'm sorry that your parents are not supportive or accepting of you. Is there a way for you to get out of this situation? I know that is not always easy. Maybe there is a counselor at school you can speak with. It might be something to consider. I hope today is more peaceful for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lana73 Posted February 2, 2012 Report Share Posted February 2, 2012 Hi Crisberube, I was in classes most of the day today and had a real hard time stay present in the class. my mind keep on woundering and haivng thoughts of self-harm, drinking and starving myself.....cuz boy was life so much better when I was involved with those activities..But how do you feel afterwords? Do you feel better or you feel like you are in a deeper hole? I know that when I drink to feel better, I get so depressed after. It is hard to find a balance in life, but it is even harder when you go from one extreme to another.As far as your situation with your family...I understand that part. You are who you are, and you should not be ashamed of being a lesbian. Just remember, that there will be a time when you are going to be on your own and you would not have to ask anyone's permission or approval and you can do whatever makes you be who you are.Concentrate on becoming self sufficient so you can live your life the way you want.All the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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