worrieddd Posted February 8, 2012 Report Share Posted February 8, 2012 hey everyone, I haven't frequented these forums in quite awhile, because 2 or 3 years ago I received some good advice about my problems, eventually made it to a psychiatrist and thought I had gotten over it all. but just recently, (around a month or so ago) I think I saw some CP, or something related to it turned me on slightly and I've been worrying about it on and off ever since. I came back here and tried to hold off from posting another one of these threads but it's bugging me too much and I know it will only be worse if I keep it to myself. so yea, I basically freaked out about being a pedophile when I was 13, (you could probably find my old threads) and managed to get over it mostly just by reassuring myself that I was going through puberty and the kids I was 'attracted' to were not much younger than myself, as well as some helpful advice from these forums and the therapist. since then I never fantasized about younger children, never looked at CP or had and pedophilic urges. I felt normal attraction to girls my age and when I was in the mood, satisfied myself to 'regular' porn. whenever I saw children I thought nothing of them, I thought I had decided what my orientation was. I'm 16 now and I think its safe to say the horny phase is at least starting wearing off, but I just feel more confused than ever about what I'm attracted to. its almost as if I'm sexually 'bored' of girls my age, and I don't feel as attracted to them anymore. I still consider that to be my primary attraction, but that sort of dampening has been coupled with the resurfacing of the pedophilia. But i am really not sure about that either. I think if I was horny I could be further turned on by pedophiliac fantasies and images, but at the same time it doesn't immediately arouse me. I've tested this with the CP, it doesn't do anything for me right away, but when i look at regular porn, it also has little to no effect. another more unnerving problem is that as of recently I now feel turned on when I see a child. but its not instant, arousal tends to follow the thought process of, "oh right, I'm a pedophile, am I turned on by this?" its somewhat of an obsessive cycle, I think it has more to do with just trying not to get turned on by something. to put it simply, I don't have NATURAL urges, but rather if I test myself to child fantasies, it sort of works. my natural inclination however is still girls my age. I'm just not sure whether this is a passing phase or not. I honestly am not as anxious about it as I was before, I've grown out of the anxiety issues I had when I was younger. but it still worries me even when I try to ignore it. I don't desire children, my body simply reacts to them. I can't help but question why its such a big deal, I don't want to hurt children, never have, never will, and in the mean time I think still I prefer girls. but despite this, society says I should feel like a horrible person. I don't think I'll be going back to the psychiatrist, as my family doesn't have the money and health insurance doesn't cover it, so I thought I'd just share it here. now that I know better I'd say its caused by an overly sexual childhood, and the fact that I've always been shy and did not spend as much time socializing as other kids. I discovered masturbation from a pretty young age, and though I had no idea what sex or porn was, I fantasized about nudity, because I realized it turned me on more. as strange as that sounds I never knew better and obviously never told my parents. I've also struggled with some low confidence and self esteem throughout high school probably due to my social awkwardness, and at times have felt depressed but have managed to get through it. I worry about most of the high school teenager issues, but thats pretty normal, yes?when I was younger I had many instances of hypochondria, and manifestations of OCD such as trichotillomania, however I have gotten over those problems for the most part, and haven't seen them resurface in awhile, except for the trichotillomania when I feel stressed or bored. hypochondria seems to have been replaced with the other life issues, such as this one. anyway I think thats all for now, I'll add more if I remember anything laterif you read all that, thanks for listening Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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