pedo feelings back (maybe?)

[worrieddd]

hey everyone,

I haven't frequented these forums in quite awhile, because 2 or 3 years ago I received some good advice about my problems, eventually made it to a psychiatrist and thought I had gotten over it all. but just recently, (around a month or so ago) I think I saw some CP, or something related to it turned me on slightly and I've been worrying about it on and off ever since. I came back here and tried to hold off from posting another one of these threads but it's bugging me too much and I know it will only be worse if I keep it to myself.

so yea, I basically freaked out about being a pedophile when I was 13, (you could probably find my old threads) and managed to get over it mostly just by reassuring myself that I was going through puberty and the kids I was 'attracted' to were not much younger than myself, as well as some helpful advice from these forums and the therapist. since then I never fantasized about younger children, never looked at CP or had and pedophilic urges. I felt normal attraction to girls my age and when I was in the mood, satisfied myself to 'regular' porn. whenever I saw children I thought nothing of them, I thought I had decided what my orientation was.

I'm 16 now and I think its safe to say the horny phase is at least starting wearing off, but I just feel more confused than ever about what I'm attracted to. its almost as if I'm sexually 'bored' of girls my age, and I don't feel as attracted to them anymore. I still consider that to be my primary attraction, but that sort of dampening has been coupled with the resurfacing of the pedophilia. But i am really not sure about that either. I think if I was horny I could be further turned on by pedophiliac fantasies and images, but at the same time it doesn't immediately arouse me. I've tested this with the CP, it doesn't do anything for me right away, but when i look at regular porn, it also has little to no effect. another more unnerving problem is that as of recently I now feel turned on when I see a child. but its not instant, arousal tends to follow the thought process of, "oh right, I'm a pedophile, am I turned on by this?" its somewhat of an obsessive cycle, I think it has more to do with just trying not to get turned on by something.

to put it simply, I don't have NATURAL urges, but rather if I test myself to child fantasies, it sort of works. my natural inclination however is still girls my age.

I'm just not sure whether this is a passing phase or not. I honestly am not as anxious about it as I was before, I've grown out of the anxiety issues I had when I was younger. but it still worries me even when I try to ignore it. I don't desire children, my body simply reacts to them. I can't help but question why its such a big deal, I don't want to hurt children, never have, never will, and in the mean time I think still I prefer girls. but despite this, society says I should feel like a horrible person.

I don't think I'll be going back to the psychiatrist, as my family doesn't have the money and health insurance doesn't cover it, so I thought I'd just share it here.

now that I know better I'd say its caused by an overly sexual childhood, and the fact that I've always been shy and did not spend as much time socializing as other kids. I discovered masturbation from a pretty young age, and though I had no idea what sex or porn was, I fantasized about nudity, because I realized it turned me on more. as strange as that sounds I never knew better and obviously never told my parents.

I've also struggled with some low confidence and self esteem throughout high school probably due to my social awkwardness, and at times have felt depressed but have managed to get through it. I worry about most of the high school teenager issues, but thats pretty normal, yes?

when I was younger I had many instances of hypochondria, and manifestations of OCD such as trichotillomania, however I have gotten over those problems for the most part, and haven't seen them resurface in awhile, except for the trichotillomania when I feel stressed or bored. hypochondria seems to have been replaced with the other life issues, such as this one.

anyway I think thats all for now, I'll add more if I remember anything later

if you read all that, thanks for listening

[Ralph]

You either are or you aren't. I am not an expert but I think it's important to ask yourself if you might be catastrophizing with respect to normal late teenage sexual confusion.

That is, could it be the case that you are trying to figure out your sexual identity and then anxiety steps in and says the worst possible outcome is pedophilia, and since that is the worst possible outcome it must be the truth? This is obviously false since the worst possible case is actually less likely than less drastic scenarios but with anxiety it is easy to catastrophize. Hypochondria is closely related to catastrophization (Oh no I sneezed, I must be coming down with a horrible illness!).

This is not to say whether you are or are not a pedophile, just to consider the evidence for both sides. You are still developing with respect to sexuality and identity and will be for a good 6 or so years unless my therapist at age 22 was leading me astray. In the meantime will worrying about it help? I am not aware of worry ever curing anyone of an undesired sexual attraction, in fact I think the extra attention only makes the unwanted desire stronger.

[Musicman]

Hey, I figured I'd give you my two cents.

Now, by no means am I any sort of expert, but being a 17-year-old, nonexclusive pedophile who is in the midst of a journey of self-discovery, I think I can offer some insight. With what you've described, my stronger feeling is that no, you are not a pedophile. I've literally seen countless posts across the internet from people with POCD who question if they're pedos or not.

Like Ralph pointed out, there are many reasons to believe that you merely suffer from obsessive thoughts. One thing I've noticed in almost (if not) all POCD pedo threads I've read is that the poster "tested" himself to see if he could masturbate to the thoughts/material. Not wanting to get into the logistics, which I obviously don't know too well, you can really convince yourself anything if you try hard enough. If you freak out about the possibility of being a pedophile, and then you try testing yourself, it's not surprising that you've scared yourself into arousal. My opinion is that someone who's a pedophile doesn't really need to test. He is or he isn't. It doesn't start with the thought What if? It starts with the attraction.

Furthermore, a very significant sign that you're not a pedophile is that you claim your ultimate attraction is still to girls your own age. Many adults have some sexual thoughts about children (whether they want to admit it or not), but that doesn't make them pedophiles. It's when the attraction to children is clearly dominant, that one can be a pedophile.

My advice is to simply relax and not let this dominate you. I hope this helped a little.

[PriddyBoy]

After reading your post I am 100% positive you should seek professional help again. Nothing wrong with that. We are human's pain and confusion is a part of life but having to suffer is not. Your writing looks like your suffering with concerning what gender you sexually identify with. Please go get the help you deserve before your suffering becomes harmful behavior for someone else younger than you that may have to go through what your going through , is that what you want knowing the pain already . As far as 16 year olds suggesting that you may or may not be this or that hogwash forget it. Five words 'Get The Help You Need " At your age you have every right to be confused, scared, and curious but not the right to harm anybody including yourself. Be honest and loyal to yourself by seeking help. Good Searching