ascfsa

[nathan]

Feel like I'm always complaining, There is bad energy in me and it cant be released. Its hostility with no outlet. My frequencies make you shudder. The world makes me shudder, especially my family. My brother kicks me while I' m down because he can, and when I finally relize what hes done, its over. I look up to him, and he cant stand it.

The walls are too thick and high, so i dont see or hear anyone. But you never win by hiding. Built up this fortess so that I'd be strong, but just makes me an easy target, a victim sitting there waiting to be run over. Isolating myself, no longer know what is going on around me, step outside and I can't comprehend it. In the dark where I cant see, I get lost in fantasy.

Im so mad and scared. I only smile when Im bad, I steal. I sneak around. Cant control my impulses. I'm really impulsive, I wasted thousands of dollars. Im so bored, my mind is racing. Cant stay on track my mind is not linear. Im really so anti social and I loose all authenticity trying to be human and normal. I want to be better, but I am addicted to anxiety and fear. So much negative energy in me I dont know what to do with it, it takes over, it perpetuates everything wrong because theres nowhere to dump it, morally. Id be in jail if I acted out on it. still It takes over, t ake it out on myself, I find myself so far off tripping. I cant stand people, and I cant stand pretending to stand them. I give them all my power to avoid killing them. Ive got a one track mind, I think its because of all this hate I have inside. its numbing and dumping. I need structure, I need to be told what to do, even though I hate authority, See how my mind works? Its works to fuck itself over, im addicted. I cant seem to get past this.

[devils daughter]

Hi Nathan,

Does "ascfsa" stand for anything?

As maybe you can tell from my username, I've been trying to accept and come to terms with my own negative energy for some time. I've had a little bit of luck in the last 18 months. I have a specialist therapist now -- her perspective is that my anti-socialness is a "protector" part of me. Unacceptable in my family of origin, I "disowned" it, shut it down when I could, but it is/was still there. I think that's maybe better than killing it off entirely, but it's taken me a long time to see it like that. And I couldn't have seen it like that if my therapist hadn't understood it like that, too.

My negativy and hostility is not so bad now as it sounds like yours is and I don't steal, but I have my own things to feel guilty for and I think I know kind of where you're coming from. Sorry it's so bad right now.

I've had a lot of useless to bad experiences with therapists in the past but finding someone or some group is essential to getting better in my experience. God or any "higher power" helps, too, but it was hard for me to see myself as being worthy of God's help when I was feeling my worst.

Having said that, now that I don't feel quite so bad about myself, I am less positive about humanity in general. Hopefully that's a more realistic attitude and maybe a little more functional. Time will tell. I didn't want to be around people yesterday but had a good time at a petting zoo.

[nathan]

I've had six women in my life.

Higher powers are beautiful, however I don't know about you, but when I am way up there I tend to miss the quickness, alertness, the anxiety of living in the world of turmoil, I like thinking and acting and then looking back to see the details of which my actions caused, I prefer that then to vaguely know and see it all along, as if the intentions of the universe were eternally frozen in space, full circle. Why see everything, when playing hide and seek is so much fun? Saints are too serious about god.

I like negative energy, anything I have ever done comes out of negative energy, I eat tasty food because I first felt hungry. But if I never get that food, if it is perpetually out of reach, then that negative energy becomes a serious curse, and so I might consider becoming a serious saint to make the best of my inner imbalances and pain.

But I dont want to make the best of a situation, I want to make the best situation-only way to do that is to get the food, get the prize doesnt matter if it makes me sick. ITs not eternal, its always ephemeral, they preach freedom from chasing a carrot on a stick, but thats really only a problem if you have a short dick. Even if your cheech, the carrots within your reach. The whole problem is the there making a problem where there isnt one, now i'm god damn preaching.

Im truely started to think I wont make it, my negative energy is killing me, but I cant become a saint now.

[devils daughter]

Nathan,

It sounds like you were not in a very good space when you wrote your posts. I hope things are better.

I know the experience of “good” me’s and “bad” me’s fighting each other. And I’ve had a couple of experiences where I thought or felt that I was way up there. I like your description of it and I agree that that place is not fully, or at least not biologically, alive. So, my logic says that if the Powers that be had wanted us all to be saints, we would be. Since we’re not, that means the “negative”, down here on earth energy, has a reason for being, too.

I think that some therapists can help with that, but as I’ve said before, for me it took a specialist. How to find the specialist is another problem/issue entirely. And when we’re not doing well, we’re not in a very good place to do a complicated search for one. Let me know if you'd like some suggestions, based on my own experience only.

[nathan]

Im sick of being a slob im going out and gettin a decent job, should I invest, is that a good guess? Messed up im fuked, but I not paying for someone to teach me how to live, theyd prolly jus teach me god, and tell me to give. Give away my money for advice I've already read, think ive alredy mentioned, should spent it wisely and get porperly invested. Fuck you Im so bored im drunk and rhyming sentences, I dont care what I do anymore, I have no more preferences.

I ve been to therapy, so teach me. What do I learn>>? goals? life? I know it, advice just kills it. They think they know me, acedemix traineee, Fuck what they think they see, thats all that you have to learn anyway. fuck what they think they see. learning from them makes you weak.

Becoming a child agian, finding your zen, gte in touch with yourself stop thinking your wrong and sad, your not mad your here, stop tripping put about the mirror, just be sincere, be yourself blh blah blah. women are like children thats why pedos like theim, like me,--although I have some morality,. wasnt going to send this but im jus pissed ban me i dont desrver posting im just smoking weed fuking roasting.

[IrmaJean]

I'm sorry that your experiences in therapy have not been positive, Nathan. I don't think it's a therapist's job to teach you how to live. It's more about presenting you with a different way of looking at things, offering you the space to learn some new coping skills and giving you the choices. That's how it worked for me anyhow.

I wish you well and hope that you feel better soon. Take care.