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How I ride this out


frazzled1

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Okay so those of you who have read my blogs and other posts know or can tell (unless you don't care) that I have been a little wierd lately. I am suffering an obsessive episode. I know that I am going through this because I can feel what I feel. I am going to continue to post to this thread as a means of brainstorming not only for myself but for anyone here that might be helped by a step by step run down of the recovery process. Your comments are welcome.

First of all my symptoms- I can't stop studying on a subject (psychology, cognition, sociology) I have to read and read and talk and talk and reason and reason about it. It has me feeling anxious and somehow in the dark about something. Like there is something I need to learn that I will not if I don't do it NOW! I stay up late reading or writing theorizing. And I wind up getting up early and getting right to it. I get irritated at things/people that distract me from it. And I have been smoking more.

The trigger- Maybe that I have internalized because of great stress. Like a system overhaul or virus detection system. Perhaps I detected a problem or in reading something I recognized an update to optimize the system. Maybe it's just because it's spring. All things new and so forth... Also I have this theory about our troubles and triumphs having direct connection to those of the first year of our lives but I have faith in that theory so it is no longer an obsession. I can discuss that another time but for now I'm not sure but I think it's something like the system check/update thing.

What I am doing about it- I am obsessing of course. I don't mean that to be funny, though it is, I mean I am fighting fire with fire. I am obsessing about obsessing. Pitting my conscious against my subconscious to cancel out the inconvenience. (Have you ever noticed that you can't talk about your psychological processes without sounding like a loon?)

An obsession of this kind is like a hunger, an unidentifiable craving. The way I reason it out is that if you eat nothing because you aren't sure what you want then you starve. On the other hand, If you go ahead and take a nibble of everything you will find what you are looking for and even if you don't you will be full and not crave it again until you are hungry again.

I seem calm and indeed my blood pressure is probably normal but this is because I know how to regulate. I cannot keep from obsessing (though I can do it on purpose), but I can count my breaths and I can consciously spell these words as I type keeping me from concentrating on the anxiety caused by my problem.

This is all for now but I will be back with more until this has passed.:o

Edited by frazzled1
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Yes I realize that it could be the stress (given my living arrangement) that is the obsession and the education the compulsion but I don't think that is the case. I don't obsess about stress because that would be stressful. I can obsess about obsessing because I break it down that way. I am analyzing the processes which communicate the obsession to the surface. And as far back as I can remember I have sought out knowledge though I never finished school. If it were as simple as that then my whole life has been one big compulsory episode. The search for knowledge in itself is not an obsession. It is a pinpointed certain type of knowledge-intellectual exploration that seems to be the current problem.

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So I did get some sleep last night but I kept thinking about these new theories forming in my head. It almost feels like a glich. Like a hole in my thoughts that I need to fill. My heart is pounding though I still have control of my breathing and I HAVE to spell each word to myself as I type or else I keep reversing letter order. I feel like my subconscious is in some kind of a race and my conscious mind cannot keep up.:confused:

I am going to divert my attention and energy for today and NOT concentrate on NOT thinking about it.

I'll let you know tomorrow how it works

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I am calmer now. I don't know if the obsession/anxiety has gone but it has at least subsided.

What I did- I went off line and wrote a letter and worked on a project- both the letter and project have a relation to the subject of obsession. Before and as I did this I kept in mind that I did not want to fill in the hole and I would not think about not filling in the hole. This of course made me keep it in mind so that now it feels like the hole is gone. And things make a little more sense to me.

Perhaps it was the need to study that was/is a compulsion based on an obsession for answers.

I will post here if/when it bothers me again. Hopefully it will help someone besides me.

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okay now I am completely down. Not like sad, down just not anxious or high feeling. Grounded.

First of all I think it is an obsession with answers/rationalization. The compulsion is to research/study/learn (think). The reason I cannot keep from obsessing is because I (nor anyone I would imagine) can avoid thinking. I mean you can distract yourself or think about other things but you can't just not think at all.

For instance, my theory regarding the relationship between our current life pattern and the pattern that was our first year. I wrote and developed graphs and charts for myself, my sister, and all of my children. Not just for the first year but for the major troubles and triumphs in later childhood.

What I found was that (Example) I was born in November-birth is both traumatizing and enlightening, so November should be a time of disaster and/or great joy, inspiration and/or creativity. Babies first monument following birth is usually teething, sometime around 4 to 6 months. So March to May I should concentrate on my health as this is a time of physical pain/distress. April to June would be about physical achievement in relation to sitting up and learning to crawl. August to September could go either way regarding mental struggle and determination in relation to learning to talk. And finally September to November could also go either way between physical struggle and determination as this is when I learned to walk.

My charts included skill acquisition, injury and illness, mental/emotional stress and behavioral changes. In allowing myself to obsess over the pattern and compulsively research and theorize I discovered that barring a major external trauma in the first year there is a correlation within each one of us to the first year of our existence and satisfied my need for that answer.

Most of my need for answers comes from a desire to help to optimize not only myself but (it's a bit quixotic) the human race. I have a need to teach and correct stigmas and help people break out of the stereotyped behavior that they impose upon themselves.

Analyze that for me Malign

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It's all just a form of energy. Anxiety, depression, stress, panic, love, hate, all of it! Just energy.

How is that helpful? Identification of a problem is a step in the right direction. We can redirect energy, divert it to other systems. I don't mean to ignore the problem. I mean to fix it without concentrating on it.

Everything-All of our brain's activity begins with our senses. ie. You see something-your subconscious makes assumptions and references-your conscious mind considers the evidence and options-you act. This is the energy cycle. If there is a problem then it is a disruption in the cycle.

WARNING!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Stress is a system disruption. It usually comes from dwelling on something. You cannot not dwell on something by thinking about it. So it makes sense that the only way to free your mind to deal with it is to redirect the energy it takes to FEEL stress (you can't repair a live wire). If you purposely cause yourself a different sensation such as a repetative story or tongue twister (concentration diversion), eat something sour or crunchy (taste/texture diversion), ring a bell or shake a rattle (audio diversion), etc, then you are bypassing the area of trouble so that it can be repaired.

Of course the more intense the stress sensation the stronger the intentional disruption will have to be. Unfortunately this is the logic behind self injury. The glimmer of hope in this, is that skin is not the only sensory receptor. Other senses can be stimulated without harm to one's self in order to achieve the same results.

I, by no means, believe I have all the answers but I think this may help.

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  • 3 months later...

I sure talk a lot of crap!

I do have an interesting addition though if anyone cares to read it. On March 18 of this year I signed on to a social network so my son could follow nfl players and the teams. On the 19th I looked up some people I knew in my childhood. One of those was/is someone who seems to own my heart (more so than I myself). I did some research and found that it was on that day March 19, 1987 that I miscarried his child. As far as I can remember, we also broke up on that day (or at least we had a blow up that led to the break up). I remember, a year later I had a massive anxiety headache around that time. I have frequently had that same headache around that time. Doctors all say that it is a post-traumatic anxiety.

Looking back at these posts, I have kind of proven my point to myself. Quite likely, my obsession was not an obsession but a compulsion to over occupy myself to prevent this yearly headache. This could also be the cause of my seemingly self destructive self defeating behaviors around this same time. It's interesting to me anyway :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi Frazzled - I experience a lot of what you go through. Looking for answers. Theorizing to myself about all manner of things. I believe that it is in part an act of distraction. But it is also, for me anyway, an act of control. I read about psychology, about the brain, the self help books WITHOUT a spiritual slant. Because I want to know what the f*ck is wrong with me. I want to see if there's a way to control it. I want to fix things. I've always been a fixer and people pleaser, and right now it's more of the same. At least I'm getting some benefit from it. It always helps me to examine motive. Why am I doing this or that? Why am I feeling this or that? Is it important? Does it matter? If so, why? Many times I drill down to the core of things and it really just boils down to fear. Fear of loss, fear of loneliness, fear of losing control. Yet this constant search for lasting security is futile. And we literally drive ourselves nuts looking for it. But it's all we know. Since we've been born we've sought that comfort, that security. We've always clung to that blanket - or to our mother's pant leg. And for those like me, who let issue after issue of abandonment and disappointment pile up, well, it comes back to bite you in the ass. At least, it has me. Hope things are well!

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Dburney, I do think it is a control issue. Knowledge gives a sense of control the same as money or any other power. It can be an addiction in that often one turns to learning the way another might turn to drink when things get tough to handle. That's why so many people study psychology (myself included). If we can figure out what causes us to feel and think and act the way that we do then maybe we can control it better.

As for abandonment and disappointment, I have had my share of that and self inflicted too. I just keep telling myself that we are all human and everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the only reason I can find is a painful lesson but I damn sure learn it!

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"everything happens for a reason?

that dismisses all sorts of accountability."

It could, if you follow a lengthy chain that often goes with it, that the reason is fate or divinity and shouldn't be argued with. But fundamentally, "everything happens for a reason" is just a statement of causality. So, for instance, it would be reprehensible to dismiss a victim's problems by saying it was just their fate, but there still could be a reason: some yayhole decided to harm them, and should be punished!

It's only if you equate explanation with excuse that accountability goes away ...

I think the difficulty with searching for a reason for all the bad things that happen comes in resigning oneself to the probability of never knowing the reason. And yes, that's a control issue; the Universe isn't ours to control. In other words, control just doesn't work, and that's reality. So again, we reach the human need for some kind of faith ...

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Thank you malign. I don't know what I did to piss Jai off so badly that she feels the need to make negative comments on so many of my posts. Yes I can see where "Everything happens for a reason" could seem like "Sucks to be you" but it isn't exactly the same.

For example (Jai), when I say everything happens for a reason it means that I'm sure there is a silver lining around here somewhere.

When I say it sucks to be you it means that you have a bad attitude and a rotten way of looking at things, in my opinion and I am glad that I am me :)

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Well, I just want to make clear that I'm not taking sides, because I don't believe in sides.

But I would put forward (for discussion, if anyone's willing) the thesis that for the posts we respond to with a strong emotion, the emotion is generally stored from some other occasion, and only triggered by the post we're responding to.

I would like to see us all stick to "I" phrasing as opposed to "you" phrasing, though, if we could. We (or at least I) learn more that way ...

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But I would put forward (for discussion, if anyone's willing) the thesis that for the posts we respond to with a strong emotion, the emotion is generally stored from some other occasion, and only triggered by the post we're responding to.

I have definitely found this to be true. The question then arises -- "should" I refrain from responding if I am aware that I am feeling strong emotion and can stop the response? Or "should" I go ahead and respond, see what happens, and maybe learn from it. Of course sometimes I get triggered and go ahead and act without being aware I have been "possessed" by the strong, driving emotion. This last one is the one most likely to have a bad outcome, in my experience.

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I think that is interesting, too. Would you like to say some more about it? Or would you be interested in some of my thoughts? Oh, well, I'll go ahead and hope you don't feel this is an attack: I believe that you are not aware of how some of your comments can affect other people. I have a similar problem and identify with you a lot. If you want to talk about this some more, maybe we could take it to another thread?

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I have definitely found this to be true. The question then arises -- "should" I refrain from responding if I am aware that I am feeling strong emotion and can stop the response? Or "should" I go ahead and respond, see what happens, and maybe learn from it. Of course sometimes I get triggered and go ahead and act without being aware I have been "possessed" by the strong, driving emotion. This last one is the one most likely to have a bad outcome, in my experience.

DD, you are not alone in this. Generally, I think it's better to step back and take a breath and refrain from posting until your emotions aren't driving your actions. I'm starting to recognize when I've been triggered earlier, but I have the most difficulty controlling the anger trigger. Sometimes I'll talk with a friend who is calming and that helps.

My hope is that we can learn from one another.

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I made a fairly benign remark about myself, and how i dont see things the same way frazzled sees them. Just because i dont pepper frazzled with all sorts of rosy comments and agree with her opinion doesnt mean its an attack.

You may like the way how you say one thing and it means another frazzled...well i like the way i say one thing and it means exactly what i say. and i like that about me.

I could be like you and DD, and mirror yourselves back to you, to make you feel like we are all on the same page and that my confirmation of the way you see things makes you 'correct', but wouldnt that be boring? Is that really what you want? You would rather I pat you on the head like golden retriever than contribute my honest, yet differing view?

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And for the record...everything happens for a reason... is not an explanation or an excuse. Its the assumption that whatever 'has' happened, (despite what it was), has some sort of beneficial spin to it. And I think, in my personal opinion that nobody is obligated to agree with, that the logic to support that belief is complete and utter bull shit.

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Jai, you wrote "saves me the trouble of using a conscious" as if to say that my statement "everything happens for a reason" meant that I do not.

I enjoy our rhetoric. I don't think we learn anything from everyone agreeing with us all the time. However, you assume that I do not mean what I say. Because of the forum I become concerned that maybe I have said something that perhaps caused someone (you) pain in some way and I re word what I have said. "Everything happens for a reason" is in no way an address to accountability, conscious or emotion. The context in which I used the statement was not directed at anyone but myself and it was not dismissive. Every experience, good bad and otherwise has contributed to who I am now in some way and as rotten as I feel sometimes or even behave sometimes I must not be so bad so "everything that has happened thus far has served some purpose."

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