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Thoughts about my behavior


Marusya
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This is going to be a long one.

I have almost zero empathy and sympathy. I don't believe I can really feel "love". I force myself to pretend and cringe out "i love you" to my mother so she's happy instead of fighting with me. I'm 16. I'd rather be alone most of the time. I'm very moody, ups and downs within hours or minutes. I hate society. I have very different ways of thinking than most people. I seem to hate 98% of the people I meet, I like very few people and I'll only play "nice" to people I hate if they have something I want. I'm extremely materialistic and selfish. I only crush and have sexual thoughts on people in "inappropriate" situations. Like those who are 30 yrs old, doctors etc. But if I even had the chance, I doubt I would take it. I can't seem to get that close to people. I've never even been kissed properly because I won't let that happen, I can't handle that type of thing. I'm very difficult to get along with but people dismiss that , especially men, because of my looks.

I have a hard time feeling bad about things. It's a rare occassion when I do. When I hear of murders and rape and other bad things, I shrug it off. Sometimes I force myself to say "sorry, thats horrible etc" when i really feel nothing. Sometimes I can't contain myself and just say 'So what'. I often just "see red" and imagine very violent things. No, I do not act on it and do not intend to. I do not want to end up in prison or a mental hospital. I have no real regard for the law. I obey it, I just don't really care about it. I make up a lot of things (online friends etc) to try to conceal myself as more normal and so my mom doesn't think I'm a complete outcast. I can put on false charm in public to win over others, but I normally do not even care to try. My family def. think their is something wrong with me. I've been known to have huge daydreams of a life I'll never have, and I seem to frequently believe it is real for awhile (Delusion?). or thinking things that are not real and accusing everyone of being against me. I also have trichotillomania and use to cut my thighs and legs and think it was "funny" to see the blood run down.

So based on your personal thoughts, how big of a problem do I have? A disorder? I'm not looking to be judged. I just need answers on why I don't care if I hurt others etc

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I guess living with me is just hard because I just have absolutely no cares for anyone but myself. As for the violent thoughts...well I don't want to have the police after me or anything even if I haven't committed the acts. But anyways, I guess I can say mass killing sprees

And I have not even taken an online test actually. I don't even think their is anything wrong with me but I've been causing too much "trouble" right now so maybe there is.. i don't know..

Also I've had these "issues" since I was born. I hated everyone I met and would stay behind my closed door in my room. I started self-injuring at 10 years old. I don't know why I do it, for fun I guess. Not to "release pain" or anything like that.

My moms aunt died recently and I didn't even care. I cannot even comfort others genuinely. I just don't understand it. Also I've had close people die but I only act with grief to blend in.

I think I'm just not sensitive

Edited by Marusya
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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Marusya,

A lot depends upon how uncomfortable you feel with yourself and with other people. I tend to think that, if you isolate yourself, do not care about anyone and hate people, that you are not comfortable with yourself or your life. If I am right about that, you should seek psychotherapy. Only a psychologist or psychiatrist could give you a diagnosis and recommend treatment.

Also, when you report that you are hard to live with could you explain what you mean? What are some of the things that you have done or that happened to you for you to end up with such negative comments about your self?

Allan

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I'm actually pretty comfortable with myself. I hold myself in high regard a lot of times. I'm just extremely irritable towards 98% of people. I don't really care for the safety or comfort-zone of others I guess. These negative comments aren't coming from me, they are coming from my family and such. I start unnecessary fights and am just extremely "cold". My mother has told me these things. Like...my brother was in a car accident and we found out, and I didn't care. I wasn't crying, I wasn't even concerned. This pisses her off. I have no empathy or sympathy for people. Even for my "friends". I just don't care. I guess that makes me a terrible person, but I simply cannot feel it so I don't worry about it. I try to force myself to be socially correct and to say "I'm sorry" but you can tell how empty it is. I mean I can act all sweet and genuine but it pisses me off to do that and I feel odd trying to be someone else for everyone else's sake. I can act like that to try and get things I want, but other than that there isn't much point. People have pointed this out to me...my moms friends normally hate me if I'm not pretending to be sweet...and they talk about how I have "issues" with my mom which pisses me off even more. I don't have serious issues in my opinion and it would be weak to admit that anyways.

I don't think I sound like I have a disorder...but I don't know anything about this stuff. Maybe its just who I am? Seeking advice here because it's quite anonymous you know...I'm not going to go to psychotherapy unless people think I need it. Other than the people in my life who are probably just ganging up on me. They of course have to have someone to take their own anger on and blame me for things. Takes the heat off them and gives them something to talk about.

Edited by Marusya
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I was married to a guy who, I eventually realized, had no capacity to love anyone other than himelf. Every single decision he made was motivated by his own needs and desires. He was complteley unable to put the needs or desires of anyone else ahead of himself. When our son was very VERY ill and in the hospital on oxygen with IVs everywhere, he came to "visit" for about 30minutes total during the entire 9 day stay. When the same child needed heart surgery, he came for surgery and left before our son even woke from the anesthesia. He did not visit again during the entire 8 day stay. BUT, he sure would tell everyone about what his "poor child" was going through and soak up all the sympathy and empathy offered! :mad: He was the same with me when I was very ill after childbirth caused by complications during childbirth. He lied about everything. Pretended to "care" about people but really did not. He only cared about how other people could help him meet his needs. I could go on and on. My psychiatrist at the time wanted to meet with both of us to see if he could pinpoint WHY I was so upset with my marriage and he felt he was a sociopath. Of course, he did not care and refuses to this day to seek any help. I am NOT saying this is your problem. But, I do agree with Dr. Schwartz that you should seek help, assuming you want to change, which it sounds like you do. My XH is, in a sense, a con artist. He makes people believe he is a nice, loving, helpful guy when, in reality, he is just looking for the "angle" in every relationship. It does not sound like this is what you do and it sounds like you are troubled by your lack of empathy. And, at your age, there is always time to change. I hope you'll keep us posted on your decision.

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I feel too apathetic to sincerely care that much. I don't want to change because I don't really feel like there is something wrong. I do not actually believe in therapy at all. I have been before and it was BS. If I can't feel love, I do not expect anyone to be able to change it so I just move on and accept it. And yes, I do not normally feel bad for hurting people. I do lead people to believe I'm a sweet girl sometimes even when i'm not, but I'm sure most people do that anyways.

My moms friend is an ex-psychologist (and for good reason I might add), she thinks I have "Antisocial Personality Disorder". I thought you had to be arrested multiple times to get that diagnosis? Would pills help that disorder?

I mean whether I have that or not, does it matter? Either way it's just who i am. I can't say i want to have "normal" lovey-dovey emotions because I've never truly had them, and it sounds foreign and annoying.

I was slightly concerned when I started this topic but I don't know. It's hard to question a personality I thought was normal for a long time. it's just really confusing.

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Sorry, to say this, but, only A professional can let you know for sure what is going on with you . Making your own diagnosis is never a good idea, and that is really why their are professionals out there.

Some are better then others. At 16, most kids are trying to figure out their own idenities and what they want out of life.

Right now, as you have written "you don't care" Only caring about oneself is what young children are all about, and see themselves , and the world revoling around them.

Perhaps, it is basically a maturity thing, which is not bad. I am not putting u down a making any judgements. It takes people a long time to find their way , and it can be a lifetime experience for some.

It does not mean that your bad, or their is something incredibly wrong with you.

The only people who can figure this out are again, professionals. Best of luck to you.

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You are at a crossroads and have come to realize something about yourself that is new to you and that is why you're here. Self discovery can be confusing indeed. I felt different when I was your age though not the same symptoms you describe. And I do feel they are symptoms, though I'm not doctor so I can't tell what they mean. If you want to understand yourself more you could at least find a counselor to talk to and let them in on your thoughts too.

I'm not like you, though, I have too much feelings, though at times I'm selfish, being an only child, I suppose. If you are moody like I was at times then you should try to find out why. Let yourself in on the parade of your life. It's yours so why not try to understand it? You seem to want to or at least are curious about it. That is good. Keep going.

Take good care of you...........

peace

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Well depends on what you mean by mature. I can cook gourmet meals, clean up after myself, take care of myself physically. I can totally take care of others. I can look after children feed them, bathe them, get them to places, take them to activities, watch them etc. I can do everything on my own. I can handle myself with adults and people of all ages, as long as my mood is okay, I can be decent or just put on a better personality. I don't always do that though.

I guess the real problem is when it comes to love and emotions basically. I feel like I have no capacity to actually feel it at all. Also, the murder obsession. I realize now that isn't normal to have. I wouldn't even know what to tell a therapist if i had to go to one. I feel like its a weakness to freely admit you have "problems".

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