frazzled1 Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 Oh my goodness this has been one heck of a week! I am completely addicted to this man. I am having anxiety attacks, my knees get weak, I can't breathe, my heart pounds at the thought of him and I can't help smiling and singing or humming. It is sickening and if I don't talk to him I feel lost and fidgety. I am going to see him tomorrow and I guess we will find out if it really is all that after 25 years. 25 stinkin years I haven't seen him. We were kids for Christs sake why do we still feel this way? It's like the first time. I feel like I'm in a sappy chick flick and it won't quit. I don't know if seeing him will make it better or worse. Unfortunately he is driving for 2 1/2 hrs to see me for only an hour if we are lucky and then who knows how long it will be before we see each other again. I am fairly certain it won't be another 25 years.It has obviously been too long since I really loved someone because I don't remember being so sick over it. UGH!!! :eek: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 12, 2012 Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 I remember those kinds of feelings. I don't think age plays any role once that chemical explosion goes off in the brain...I hope it is a pleasant reunion and you enjoy your time together.Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 I am a little calmer this morning but still so excited. You are so wise to point out that age does not play a role in this. I really thought love felt different in different relationships and as we got older. As it turns out, it feels like maybe I have just never been in love with anyone but this man Thank You for the well wishes Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted May 12, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 12, 2012 We only had about an hour and a half and he held me most of the time. It really was like it had never ended. Neither of us could remember what ended it to begin with and now we don't know what to do about this. I know, I know, nothing worth having is easy to get. So now I guess we'll just have to see what happens next. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted May 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 19, 2012 I am thinking now more than feeling. Maybe because the feelings are too intense and currently not as pleasant. You know he has done it again! I really have great respect for the fact that his visit with me was not a "booty call" and that he is not willing to just throw away what he has or has had. I know that we could be amazing but maybe an amazing love is not what I need right now, just what I want/have been longing for. But I don't want a hero. I don't need to be rescued by anyone but myself. I create my own problems and I must fix them. I want him in the worst way but right now we would be getting each other "in the worst way" and that doesn't make for lasting relationships. I will be fine. It hurts to think we will never be together so I am allowing myself to think more along the lines of not now. I still feel so very deeply all the things I have described before, heart pounding hard to breathe, etc. but I am exercising more strength to suppress it now because it is best for now.Love and happiness to you all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I know that time will fix all of this. I know that if it is meant to be it will be. I know that I am smart and strong and I will get through this one way or another.In this case, I don't believe that "knowing is half the battle." Acceptance is key and I am trying. I really am trying. I can't even feel for who I was before this. I know I was happy (not with my life), in general. I know I had goals. I had hopes and dreams. None of them involved falling in love. Time goes forward and you cannot unchange. I feel lost. I'm good. Really! I still somehow maintain a high A in class. Still do my job well. Still take care of my home and my son. It just all feels wrong somehow. I have never been a grump but my recent feelings are comparable to the moment the Grinch's heart grows.I am trying so hard to work this out :confused: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IrmaJean Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 I know that time will fix all of this. I know that if it is meant to be it will be. I know that I am smart and strong and I will get through this one way or another.Thumbs up to your self-talk, frazzled. You seem to be a very determined and resilient person. Good for you.If this doesn't work out, I do hope you can give all of the love and energy from your growing heart back to yourself. You deserve that.Take care. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 Thanks IrmaJean. I sent him a text yesterday telling him to leave me alone until he got himself figured out...it made me physically ill for the rest of the day and I was winning the battle against tears this morning when he texted me back that he understood but wanted to say goodbye then of course I couldn't let him say goodbye. I don't know what we are going to do but I have learned a lot through this experience. I just hope the lesson plan doesn't include much more pain.This feeling requires a daily "fix" of each other and I have never needed something so bad that it made me physically ill not having it. It is an addiction that has been inflicted upon me like the need for oxygen and I don't know how to right myself.On a happier note, I am smart enough to know that I will come out of this stronger person. We feel weakest when our strength is being tested Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malign Posted May 23, 2012 Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 "... my recent feelings are comparable to the moment the Grinch's heart grows."Ooo, preparing to grow! What a cool thing to be aware of, while it happens.Okay, painful too (all growth contains pain.) But the awareness can be a reason to keep going? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
frazzled1 Posted May 23, 2012 Author Report Share Posted May 23, 2012 YOU are a reason to keep going...and growing. Gotta stay sharp with you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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