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Combination of Mental Illnesses or...?


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Hey guys, new member here. Signed up because I've been getting worried about myself lately.

Here's the issues. I'll try to address them individual, but they all run into each other a little but.

1) I'm a little paranoid I might have Aspergers. I took two online tests (I know, online), and those told me I very might likely have Asperger's Syndrome. The reasoning behind this paranoia is that I've noticed I have strange habits and mannerisms that match the descriptions I've read about with Asperger's. I've noticed recently that I make strange movements with my hands and feet (I'm a musician; often times I run through scales in my fingers or pretend I'm playing trumpet with my lips), and when I'm doing these type of activities, I'm unable to concentrate on anything. They aren't tics, because I know I'm controlling them, but I feel extremely uncomfortable when I'm not making these movements and actions when I think should be. I make weird movements with my feet while attempting to sleep, and can't concentrate on anything else.

I'm also obsessed with patterns. Musical patterns, design patterns, any kind of pattern I can guarantee I will look at. I notice the patterns in games, algorithms in different things, and everything appears like it could have a matching algebraic equation or something (even though I absolutely hate math). An example of that is my obsession with Schoenberg's 12-tone Theory and Atonal/pattern music and fractal music. I'm probably thinking about these things 60% of the day. Music is the meaning of my life, currently.

I don't have social anxiety, but I prefer to keep to myself. I can talk a lot via text and on the internet, but in person I tend to stay very quiet, unless I'm surrounded by the exact right people.

2) I'm paranoid. I can't help it. I'm paranoid about everything, even the little things like "were they talking about me?" "did I forget to do something?" "did I do this right?" "why aren't they talking to me?" etc. etc. Those are the most frequent thoughts, and they happen at every single glance towards people talking or people that aren't talking to me.

3) With the above mentioned (#1), I've also thought I might be an OCD/OCPD. Just a thought.

4) I have extremely bad mood swings. One case of my mood swings would be earlier today I was nearly suicidal depressed, and couldn't think straight. The mood swing lasted about 30 minutes during church, and was one of the worst I've had. They typically last around that period of time, but I can't tell when they're going to happen. The part I'm worried about is that I don't feel like myself after them. I feel like someone took me out of my mind and replaced it with a depressed, crazy, suicidal person. They really scare me quite a bit afterwards, and I always know that I won't do anything stupid during them, but they still are pretty scary.

A lot of the time I send people text messages in the middle of the night that either make no sense, or I don't remember why I would possibly send something like that. Those are a different kind of a mood swing, and I still feel like a different person afterwards.

5) I have a lot of internal conflict regarding religion. I'm basically a closeted atheist living in the house of a Fundamental Christian Family. I see judgmental people every day and it hurts when they regard atheists, muslims, or anyone not adhering to their religion as dirt or inferior to them. I'm afraid to tell my family this stuff, because I think nothing will come from them but disownment and judgmental responses.

So, yeah. I could name more symptoms and thoughts if I had a bad mood swing, but I would prefer that not happen.

I'm sorry if this is a lot for a first post, but it got really bad these past few weeks, so I'm trying to figure out how to approach these matters.

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I don't know much about music but it sounds mainly like OCD to me. Maybe you should speake to a hypnotherapist, the mood swings and doing things and not knowing why sounds like your mind is trying to tell you something.

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Hello, Nova, and welcome to the community! :)

Aside from diagnosis, I would think the main concern would be your level of distress with that has been taking place. You mentioned that your depressed mood swing was frightening. Have you ever spoken with a professional about your concerns?

Certainly, I can relate to what you wrote in #2. I have struggled with social anxiety in the past and with feeling self-conscious around others. It really helps me to consider that everyone is human and no one is perfect, including me, and that's okay. Likely the people nearby are focused on matters in their own lives and aren't thinking about you or judging you.

I can talk a lot via text and on the internet' date=' but in person I tend to stay very quiet, unless I'm surrounded by the exact right people.[/quote']

I'm like this too, though less so than in the past. Does this concern or bother you? It might simply be a part of your general temperament.

I'm sorry that you feel your family won't be supportive of you in your beliefs. Have you ever tried approaching them about your beliefs? Maybe they would be supportive?

Take gentle care, Nova. I hope you feel better.

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"I see judgmental people ..."

Heh, I had a bit of a "Sixth Sense" moment, reading this. I know it's a difficult thing living with people who don't think the same as you do. It may help to hang out as much as you can with people whose thinking is more like yours. It might reassure you that your point of view is just as valid as anyone's, even ones that might try to deny yours.

As for symptoms, it's well-known how hard it is to self-diagnose, in these areas. Too, even if you end up with a diagnosis, I wouldn't say that that's what you "are". It's just a tiny part of you, not your whole identity. For instance, you could be a musician who has Asperger's, but I would say that your future would be more about the musician part. Life will remain pretty much as it is, except for the parts you want to change ... A diagnosis isn't going to suddenly change you into someone different, either for worse or better. It's just a direction you can choose to follow towards feeling better.

My suggestion, especially since these mood swings are interfering with your enjoyment of life, would be to seek out a professional (you can start with the family doctor, if you want) who might be able to help you.

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Thanks guys!

I enjoy talking to the friends I have, but I hate talking to new people, unless I'm specifically introduced to them by a friend I know. It's hard to even communicate with my teachers and other people I don't know that I'm surrounded by. It's nice sometimes, but I can't really get anywhere like that, especially in the music field.

I think I'll try the family doctor route, or the school counselor soon.

Thanks for your support guys.

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