Cutting BPD mother out of life-handling Christmas

[Katie]

Hi all,

I'm new to this forum.

I have a BPD mother (who is undiagnosed although both my sister & I & our therapists have concluded that she is BPD without a doubt). For nearly 40 years she has been mentally abusing me, playing mind games, and trying to put the responsibility for her suffering on my shoulders. She let her second husband sexually abuse me, chose to ignore it until it suited her to leave him, then she milked my suffering for all she could. Being a typical child, I did everything I could to win my mother's love, at the expense of many a relationship & my own self-esteem. But this year I had enough.

I have 4 small children, 2 with special needs and a very loving husband. When I realised that I was close to walking out on all of them I took stock of my situation & decided that one of the pressures in my life had to go. It could not be my innocent children. It had to be my mother. So I put into place events that would trigger her to cut me out of her life. She had already cut out many family members, so I knew that it would happen easily, and it did.

I was surprised that above any feelings of regret (although I had few) I felt absolute relief. Knowing that the phone could ring and I need not be afraid of her being on the other end, potentially to criticise or abuse me, was liberating.

However, the one casualty of this separation from her was that my only surviving grandparent, my beloved grandfather, has sided with her and also cut us out of his life (she brought him to live with her, so there's not chance of approaching him). I have tried to tell myself that this is like a death, that I have lost my grandfather now. But it is hard knowing that he is still alive, as I still love him very much and see him as brainwashed by her.

I have a sister, but she, I feel, is quite happy with the change of circumstances. She was always the Good Child and now this cements this status for her even moreso. There is no chance that she will try to act as a go-between and help re-build my relationship with my grandfather.

So now Christmas is coming about. I am afraid that she might try and send gifts to my children. I dont want her to as I want her to stay out of our lives. And then again I dread that she wont send them gifts, as I cannot fathom how someone would let their own pride (which is how she sees it) get in the way of her own grandchildren, who are so innocent in this all.

At least if she and my grandfather were dead there would be no expectations. But they're not.

Has anyone else been cut out by a Borderline parent or relative? If so, how did you cope with the first Christmas or other big event?

I look forward to your replies.

Katie

[mscat]

I guess I have some issues with this entire thread. Mainly, because The mother has never even had a diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder. It is easyto point the finger at family members, and conclude that this must be what is wrong with the person. Borderlines think in all or nothing terms. Meaning they are going to either really like u or really hate you. That is the mindset.

If they are pushed to hating someone then yes, that person is going to be pushed out of the their lives. That is a coping strategey.

I do not know if your mother is Borderline, and since she does not even have a diagnoses , or recieved helped then it is difficult to know what is truely going on.

Your an adult though, and have a family of your own, with children. Focus on them. Your mom might feel incredibly betrayed , from you , and not have anything more to do with you. noone likes labels and family making acusations.

OK, you had a difficult childhood, however, your an adult now, and raising your own children.

If your going to sabbatage your relationship with your mother then so be it. Expect nothing in return . Your kids are your offspring, and alienating your mother is not going to make matters easier for your children. You have driven a wedge between your mother and yourself, that part is clear.

If your mother wants to provide christmas presents to her grand kids then you know it is coming from the heart. Despite how she feels about you. It is hard to turn the other cheek after beig snowballed by your own flesh and blood.

Consider it this way. What if your kids did the same thing to you after they grew up?

It would suck wouldn't it?

[JustTrying]

Sorry.. I too think you are making a mistake and I feel sorrry for your mom. But If she wants to send the kids gifts .. let them have them.That does not mean that you have to let her come over and visit. But she most likely loves you and the kids.

I am sorry that you are going through this.. an I do feel for your stress of having to deal with someone that MAY have a mental illness... but she has not been diagnosed... YET.

I started to write along post and then deleted it .let's just say I am in a simular situation. Only in this case I am the Mom and I have been diagnosed with Bipolar.... How sad the day my "daughter" took my gkids away from me... I was good enough to raise them practically for 5 yrs...

JT

[Proverbs31:28]

My mother has no known psychiatric disorder or diagnosis though her behavior suggests to me that she definitely has some "untapped issues." IMO, whether or not she has a diagnosis is irrelevant. If the person (parent, friend, sibing, whoever!) is toxic to you and your family then cutting them out is not just desirable but necessary. My parents have both cut me (and 2 of my 3 siblings) out of their lives. I did not orchestrate it, as you did, but it happened and, honestly, I am happy to be free of the emotional albatross that the two of them had become.

For the first year or two, my mother would still send cards and gifts to my kids (mostly dollar stor trinkets) and this created more problems because every time they got a gift, my kids would ask "why don't we ever see grandma and grandpa." So, I went to the post office and requested that ALL mail from their address be refused.

The way I see it is my job as a parent (and that job is my priority) is to ensure my children are not exposed to or manipulated by the same toxicity I was and having my parents out of our lives is the only way to do that.

Its more complicated for you because you have lost a dear, innocent, loved one by association. I know that must be painful for you and I really don't have any advice for dealing with that as I have never been in that spot. But, I do think you are right comparing this loss to a death- you will go through the same grieving process as if he had died, I believe. Try to remember that you did not choose to lose this relationship and that the loss is a casualty but a necessary casualty because it came as a price for being freed from your mother.

Edited December 8, 2008 by Proverbs31:28

[JustTrying]

I do not agree...

jt

Nicest way I can say it........

[brooks21]

Katie,

It sounds like you have felt betrayed by your mother and not protected. If her leaning on you to prop up her feelings or calm her, was one of your major stresses, then perhaps you need some time off. This does not mean you have to distance yourself forever. And often with parents who have these types of problems, they don't allow you to create distance if you need it, they almost promote an all or nothing response. Let your children have the presents, find a helpful therapist, and get through the holidays as best you can. You will find your way.

[paula]

I must agree with Katie. At the end of the day, she has to think of her kids. Protect them. I'm sure I wouldn't like my kids to be brought for their love like katies have?

[Katie]

Thank you Proverbs & Paula for your support. You are right, I am trying to protect my children. I saw firsthand how growing up with a toxic mother damaged lives and want my children not to have the same struggle.

I am both surprised and disappointed that everyone else feels my mother needs a formal diagnosis before she can be called BPD. Both therapists and books have said quite specifically that a high proportion of BPD people are never diagnosed because they think that everyone else has the problem and so would not think to seek help in the first place. I never knew BPD existed until my sister's therapist told her and she told me and then, separately, my therapist suggested it. It makes me have so much more respect for those BPD who overcome this stigma and do get help.

I am surprised that when someone opens up their personal lives to others on a forum like this and hopes for some support all they get is condemnation. You should all be ashamed that you criticise someone who is vulnerable in the first place rather than saying nothing and letting them be. I will definitely not be returning to this board as it has, with the exception of 2 lovely replies, been a big disappointment!

As the old saying goes, "If you cant say anything nice - dont say anything at all!"

[Mark]

Katie,

You have to understand the context here to appreciate why some members are reacting to the informal BPD diagnosis you and others have applied to your mother. Diagnosis is a powerful thing - it can help bring focus and clarity to a problem, but it can also become a way of making someone into a thing - an object that is easier for others to discard or do things to because they are no longer as much a person when they have been diagnosed. This negative side of diagnosis is harder to appreciate when you have not been diagnosed, but of course, many folks here have been, so they will appreciate both sides of the equation, and sometimes lean towards the negative side.

It isn't necessarily the case that you are wrong in making the diagnosis - it's that such things should not be used as weapons, or to justify decisions. If you have problems with your mother's behavior, you don't need to have a label for her before you make decisions yourself as to how much contact you want with her. You can just make those decisions, based on how justly or unjustly you feel you have been treated. It comes down to behavior. People need to treat each other reasonably and with some respect or feelings get hurt and sometimes worse. It is reasonable for you to take steps to protect yourself, if you feel you have been injured. Just not maybe so reasonable to use a diagnostic label to justify that decision. Or at least around here that is going to be a sensitive issue. Does that make sense?

You may appreciate this essay on the Borderline Family by Dr. Allan Schwartz. There are two more that go with it, but I can't find the links immediately.

Mark

Edited December 16, 2008 by Mark

[confused12]

I tend to agree with Mark. After being misdiagnosed as BPD for three years I can honestly say that the label and stigma attached to an official diagnosis is great and therefore needs to be applied by appropriate specialists let alone by people with one part of the full picture. My original dx of BPD did not helped me in any way shape or form but rather inhibited my progress to create more normality in my life and my family.

My diagnoses was from a psychiatrist even, but little he knew of me and only bits from other peoples perceptions. Finally after a lengthy inpatient stay my psychiatrist was able to see beyond perceptions and get to know me for who I am. Since then my progress has been by far more positive minus this label of BPD to Complex-PTSD. My actions (or lack of) are understood and I am able to take responsibility of my inaction and reactions towards my family. I am being taught to understand myself even. You can actually be a strength in teaching your own mother what is appropriate and what is not. Cutting people out solves a initial problem with no future hope for change.

I hear you are hurting Katie or why would you post. You deserve support, support will come in many different ways and sometimes it is hard to hear the supportive tone beyond our internal anger toward someone who has hurt us so much so deep down. People here may want to support you in not giving up and cutting off your mother but by getting you to see a big picture and letting you know that a relationship such as mother and daughter is worth trying to salvage (you may have already tried this though, I don't know though).

I don't know all the details, and all the things you have had to endure. What I do see is that you (and your sister even) have the potential to encourage your mother to seek help and support whether it is through an official diagnoses or not. You have the opportunity to change relationships for the better. I would be disappointed to see an opportunity like this lost through a misdiagnoses when there is so much that can be learn't and offered to improve on the current situation you are in.

Again this is an opinion of a non professional but from someone who has an emotion response to this thread so it will be bias, negative and/or positive. But one can read and take from it what they like or they can judge it and chose not to respond. But I have seen but a sneak peek into your situation it sounds difficult and you have to live with it, and live by your decisions. It is great that you have a therapist to work this through with.

I understand you wanting to protect your children, I wanted to protect my own children from me even. I have found they have become my best teachers/motivators though as I have a vested interest in them.

Good luck Katie,

Confused12

[mscat]

I know that my inital post was quite harsh however, i just wanted to add that I have Been given the Dx od Borderline personality Disorder serval times thoughout the years. I also have one Teenaged son who is special needs. I have raised him on my own for 15 years now.

I am not close to the mother that raised me though, However, with all differences set aside we are still nice to each other. My son is not forgtten in the holidays and they my family always remembers me too.

This means so much to me. i know I have messed up throughout the years . I know i have done many things my family does not like or underrstand. However, they do not take it out on my son, or treat him differently. I love and respect them more for that. My family could have very easily turned their backs on me a long time ago, for my stupid mistakes and not following their religious beliefs, and going out on my own . However, they have been there anyway. No matter what I have done to myself, or have pulled away from them, they still try and reach out to me.

They know i am not a bad person inside, and know that it is not my child's fault that i have these personal issues to struggle with. They are still family, and feeling their love from them and reaching out to my son is more then enough to bring tears to my eyes every holiday season.

i am thankful that they are there still for me and do not judge me for my Slef injury and shortcomings. Thankful that they still ask about my son, and how he is doing, and have not cut us out of their lives.

I know I have problems, and I am not proud of them. I know I probably have hurt family members through out the years of growing up without ever meaning to. But, family is family, and I am certaily grateful each and every time that they email me and talk to me. They seem to see something else inside of me, and still love me despite myself. This is what i am grateful for, and my son who only benifits from knowing them as our family.

Happy Holidays

[Proverbs31:28]

Mscat, I see your situation as different than that described by the OP due to the fact that YOU are making every effort to be the BEST possible mother you can be despite your illness. I understand her complaint/sadness to be due to the fact that her mother (who may or may not have a mental illness) did NOT make those efforts. Your family- and most importantly, your son-obviously sees those efforts and sees the goodness of your heart. Unfortunately, there do exist parents, friends, spouses, cousins, siblings, etc. who are simply toxic to us and, regardless of whether they have a mental illness as an "excuse" for their toxicity, the damage they can do if we let them is deep and lasting. This is why I advocate excising people in your life- with or without mental illness or suspicion thereof- who have proven themselves completely toxic and unwilling to change that behavior. As much as we like to think that our parents and/or family "have" to love us, the fact is many parents do not love their children. They treat them with disregard, neglect them, abuse them and put them in dire situations. And, if this is how they behave everytime you open your heart to them, there comes a time when you have to protect your heart by closing it to them. I tried many times over many years to have a relationship with my parents. But, with each effort, I received more scars, more pain, more rejection. I refuse to allow them to inflict the same scars, pain and rejection on my children. My duty is to my children, NOT to my parents so if the only way to protect my children from unnecessary emotional turmoil at the hands of people who should love them is to sever the relationship, then that is what must be done and I have done that with no regret whatsoever. The fact that we live 10 minutes from them and they have made NO effort whatsoever to contact my children, to inquire about their lives, to offer them love and encouragement is a daily reminder that I have made the absolute right choice in our situation.

[Guest ASchwartz]

I really do want to urge all of you to read the series I wrote about the borderline mother and related issues. Go back to Mark's recent comments and you will find the links.

Also, mscat, even if you may have been given the diagnosis of "borderline" does not mean that you were, or are, a "borderline mother." You know, any of can display symptoms in one role or situation and not others. So what if you were once called "borderline," it has nothing to do with your mothering. Besides, "some of my best friends are borderline." (ha, ha,ha)

Allan:)

Edited December 20, 2008 by ASchwartz
more information

[paula]

I most certainly agree with Proverbs:3128!

Throughout my life, I have done everything possible to try and amend my relationship with my mother, but to no avail! There is only so much one can be taken the piss out off! And yes I do mean that!

After having my first boy, who is now 26yrs old, I remember taking him to nursery at ten months old then, driving up to my mother's to pick her up for work, as she lived over the other end of town to me and she worked at the same place I did.

I would pick her up every morning at 7.30am, just to drive back through my end of town to get to the next town where we worked. That was as well as driving her home every night. We didn't finish work till 5.00pm, so by the time that I had took her home, bear in mind that she would do a bit of shopping every night on the way home which I was expected to drop her at the supermarket and wait till she finished then drop her at her house. So by the time I was getting home myself, it was reaching 7.oopm. Then I had to make my own tea and get a baby ready for bed and see to running my own house.

I did this for five years till I left work due to being pregnant again with my second son. It used to cost me a fortune in petrol, and she never offered once to put petrol in my car. Not that I would of took it anyway. But it would of been nice if she would of offered!

Do you know that as soon as I had my second son, (by the way, I had two Cesareans because of me having a small pelvis) that she expected me to still take her to work and pick her up again! No consideration whatsoever!

As my two started to grow up, say, 3 and 8yrs old. My sister had her son and she never bothered with my two boys from then on! My sister has since given birth to a little girl since then who is 5yrs old. My other sister has also given birth to a little girl who is 8yrs old.

My two son's have got to know for themselves what she is like as I felt that they had to learn without me interviening. But you try and explain to an 8yr old & a 3yr old why their Nana hasn't got them anything for christmas? Her excuse was "oh I didn't know what they wanted?" Also, why everyone was sat eating their christmas dinner together as a family and we wasn't even invited! Again, her excuse being that she thought that we would of been invited out somewhere?

Do you know that my 26yr old has not seen my mother since my fathers funeral, nearly 6yrs ago. And the last time my 21yr old seen his Nana was last christmas day when I forced him to come up with me, and she asked him to get her purse, and gave him £10. Not to mention the 40" flat screen T.V that she had brought my sister's son, & the PC she had brought my other sisters daughter!

They always say that you only have one mother and you should never fall out with her as you will regret it if anything happened? Well not me! I'm not bothered the way she treats me, but when she treats my son's the same, that when I call it a day! I have bent over backwards, but no more!

[Nelly]

Hi Katie

I am sorry to hear you have felt unsupported here. I enjoy mentalhelp.net as well as other forums, but one that is of specific help to those in relationship to people with BPD is the following:-

http://outofthefogsite.com/CommonBehaviors/MaternalChildAbuse.html

As i said, this site is specifically for those who are in relationship to or have been in relationship with someone who suffers with a PD. I find enormous solace in just reading information on their boards and learning from old posts and new as well as posting occaisionally. The people who run the site are very experienced in all matters concerning PD's especially BPD. There is very good support here. Check out the 'unchosens' section in the support forum for help with your particular problems with your mother.

Good luck Katie, don't be frightened to ask for help in future. Sometimes smaller, specific forums are more useful at certain times. Personally, i take support from several different forums but its the smaller ones that relate specifically to my issues that I open up in the most.

So sorry to hear of the suffering you have endured while growing up and well done for doing what you feel is the right thing for you and your children.

Kind regards, Nelly

[Nelly]

Just wanted to add that these three articles by Dr Schwartz on mentalhelp.net are very imformative and really have helped me to understand a lot about the effects a BPD parent can have on their children, especially with regards to the 'good child'/'bad child', black and white thinking which is common in parents with BPD.

[Mark]

Here are those links to Dr. Schwartz's articles:

The Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part I

The Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part II: The Children

The Borderline Personality Disordered Family, Part III, Healing

hope that helps!

Mark

[mscat]

I really do want to urge all of you to read the series I wrote about the borderline mother and related issues. Go back to Mark's recent comments and you will find the links.

Also, mscat, even if you may have been given the diagnosis of "borderline" does not mean that you were, or are, a "borderline mother." You know, any of can display symptoms in one role or situation and not others. So what if you were once called "borderline," it has nothing to do with your mothering. Besides, "some of my best friends are borderline." (ha, ha,ha)

Allan:)

very funny , Allen.

FYI, on more then many occasions the DX has been used , and yes, even as a mom too. I like to think not now though. And typically I do not worry about stupid labels either.

It is when it is in writing staring at me in the face that irks me. Shrinks love to label people , and I do try my best to ignore them.

I have ben told that they have to label in order to treat a person , and "get paid" . so I do not dwell on the BPD diagnosis nor the clinical depression or whatever they want to throw out on me.

After all, I still am Cathy. the same Cathy who has a lengthy history of "what is called" mental illness, and for yrs. struggled with too many issues to name.

the only thing I can hope for is not to let it kill me in the end.

[Katie]

mscat, firstly I'd like to say that if I had a mother who was trying as much as you I'm sure she would still be in my life. All I have wanted is for my mother to recognise that she has a problem and, for all our sakes as well as hers, try and get some help. Feel proud of yourself for trying to help yourself.

Proverbs is right in regards to giving a parent so many chances before you have to stop making excuses for them and start protecting yourself. Many times I put up with my mother belittling me, playing me off against my sister or other family members and daring to invade my personal 'space' when most people would stand back and respect my right to my own opinion or privacy. If I had not had children I wonder if I would have had the courage to stand up for myself. But what caused her to cut me out was a letter from myself pleading with her to respect my personal space and to seek some help before she destroyed our family any further with her horrible game-playing. I was willing to support her if she sought help, but she refused to acknowledge that she was at fault and instead turned the tables on me and accused me of being an unfit mother (which is very far from the truth). I realised that if I wanted to be a good mother and a good role model for my children I had to stand up for myself against her.

I could have so easily pleaded with her not to cut me out and start the cycle of mental abuse all over again, but I choose to continue the separation she instigated, which is both the easiest and the hardest path to follow. Easy, because it gives me the chance to avoid her tantrums and game-playing with the least amount of confrontation. Hardest, because she has managed to convince many of our mutual 'friends' and family members that I was the 'evil' one in this situation and she the innocent, beleaguered mother, and so my reputation will forever be tainted.

It is not easy being 'divorced' from your own parent. It is not natural and very few people understand why it could happen. I can only focus on the future and hope that my children have a mother they will want in their lives forever.

Katie

[paula]

Hi Katie

I could have so easily pleaded with her not to cut me out and start the cycle of mental abuse all over again, but I choose to continue the separation she instigated, which is both the easiest and the hardest path to follow. Easy, because it gives me the chance to avoid her tantrums and game-playing with the least amount of confrontation. Hardest, because she has managed to convince many of our mutual 'friends' and family members that I was the 'evil' one in this situation and she the innocent, beleaguered mother, and so my reputation will forever be tainted.

Your reputation won't forever be tainted! Your mother can only go so far before these people will start to realise what a vindictive mother you have?

In fact I would do away with these friends and so called family who have took sides with your mother! They are not friends or even family? Your family and friends would stick by you through thick and thin or better still, they wouldn't get involved in the first place?

Don't let it worry you Katie! He who laughs last, laughs longest! Also, what goes around, comes around!

[paula]

Are you ok Katie, only haven't heard of you for a while?

[mscat]

mscat, firstly I'd like to say that if I had a mother who was trying as much as you I'm sure she would still be in my life. All I have wanted is for my mother to recognise that she has a problem and, for all our sakes as well as hers, try and get some help. Feel proud of yourself for trying to help yourself.

Proverbs is right in regards to giving a parent so many chances before you have to stop making excuses for them and start protecting yourself. Many times I put up with my mother belittling me, playing me off against my sister or other family members and daring to invade my personal 'space' when most people would stand back and respect my right to my own opinion or privacy. If I had not had children I wonder if I would have had the courage to stand up for myself. But what caused her to cut me out was a letter from myself pleading with her to respect my personal space and to seek some help before she destroyed our family any further with her horrible game-playing. I was willing to support her if she sought help, but she refused to acknowledge that she was at fault and instead turned the tables on me and accused me of being an unfit mother (which is very far from the truth). I realised that if I wanted to be a good mother and a good role model for my children I had to stand up for myself against her.

I could have so easily pleaded with her not to cut me out and start the cycle of mental abuse all over again, but I choose to continue the separation she instigated, which is both the easiest and the hardest path to follow. Easy, because it gives me the chance to avoid her tantrums and game-playing with the least amount of confrontation. Hardest, because she has managed to convince many of our mutual 'friends' and family members that I was the 'evil' one in this situation and she the innocent, beleaguered mother, and so my reputation will forever be tainted.

It is not easy being 'divorced' from your own parent. It is not natural and very few people understand why it could happen. I can only focus on the future and hope that my children have a mother they will want in their lives forever.

Katie

Katie,

You are a very strong person for doing what you needed to do ! Your mother is toxic to you, and your first priority is to your children! I think you are right to separate yourself from her. She is no good to have around you or your family.

I am in terrible terms with the 'mother' who raised me. We never did get along even when I was little. She demanded perfection and I was never good enough for her. She treated me like crap. My father and her use to get into arguements because the way she treated me. The name calling, and hair yanking, grabbing still stays with me to this day.

As far as my parenting skills, I am a softy . i use to teah preschool for 20 years, and little children have brought great joy into my life. That is one thing that I am very good at. I have been called a saint by parents of preschoolers.

But, that was then, i am now can't tolerate a lot of screaming little ones. too much anixety. LOL.

I admire your strengh to do what is best for your childern and yourself, nobody can tell you that is wrong to do. Good job!

[Katie]

Yes, I'm here, just flat out with school holidays (vacation) here in Australia with my 4 children. Should I say 3 children are great, 1 is perpetually angry. He is only 3 so I'm hoping he'll grow up this year.

Small bit of news, my sister told me that our mother, who she still speaks to, was reading a pamphlet on BPD and asked my sister if she thinks she (our mother) has it?! My sister wouldn't tell me what she said to her, but I'd be disappointed if she didn't grab the opportunity and say that yes, that was what we think she has.

My husband and I both said today how much easier it has been with my mother out of our lives. I have got to learn now how to not always be on the defensive and think that everyone is thinking the worst (or not at all) about me. It is hard when you've been downgraded by someone close all your life and then, when you're suddenly free of them, the wounds are still hurting.

May I ask for anyone who's had to cut someone out of their life due to a personality disorder (or be cut out like I was) how did you handle situations where it was inevitable you were going to see them, such as a funeral or family function that you cannot avoid?

Katie

[Proverbs31:28]

May I ask for anyone who's had to cut someone out of their life due to a personality disorder (or be cut out like I was) how did you handle situations where it was inevitable you were going to see them, such as a funeral or family function that you cannot avoid?

Katie

I come from a very small family (3 sibs) and 2 of them are also disconnected from our parents, so there are no family functions to worry about. There was a funeral a couple of years ago where my dad was and I simply stayed clear of him. Did not speak to him, at all. Ocassionally, I run into someone who I haven't seen for several years who ask "How's your parents?" And, I answer truthfully, "I don't know." I always worry about what I would say if they pressed any further, but thankfully, they usually get the hint. I have also been in a store or something and seen my mom or dad in there and I go in another direction. I don't know what they would do or say but I refuse to be caught in a public confrontation with them. Its just not something I want or need in my life!

[paula]

Hi Katie

May I ask for anyone who's had to cut someone out of their life due to a personality disorder (or be cut out like I was) how did you handle situations where it was inevitable you were going to see them, such as a funeral or family function that you cannot avoid?

I have posted previously in this thread and also in the General Parenting post, of some of my own experiences.

You ask about handling the situation? To be honest with you, I am still trying to handle the situation? Even though it has been going on for years, and "yes it does hurt", & I think it will go on hurting till my mother accepts the wrong she is doing?

My situation it is slightly different than yours, but nevertheless, it still falls under the same principle.

For nearly 40 years she has been mentally abusing me, playing mind games, and trying to put the responsibility for her suffering on my shoulders. She let her second husband sexually abuse me, chose to ignore it until it suited her to leave him, then she milked my suffering for all she could. Being a typical child, I did everything I could to win my mother's love, at the expense of many a relationship & my own self-esteem. But this year I had enough.

Where as your mother was mentally abusing you, mine was trying, and still is, cutting me and my boy's out of her life completely? What I can't understand is, that my mother has got Five children, yet she chooses to, what I would call, abandon me and my Two older brother's and their family's. She doesn't even bother to phone anyone of us, let alone trying to get in touch through other sources to see how anyone of us are?

I wouldn't mind but my youngest sister hardly ever goes to see her, only on occasion's. Eg Christmas, Birthday's, or if my sister goes on holiday abroad, which is usually Twice a Year, and that's always to the States (Disneyland with their little girl) then she will call up to see her when she gets home with a souvenir from the states or something. Thats whats so annoying, how it doesn't matter that my sister can get in touch the occasional time with my mother, and yet, she still thinks the sun shines out of her arse!

Well enough said as this thread is really starting to PISS ME OFF! Not the thread itself, or the reply's, no! Just talking about my mother!