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Can my husband being abusing me??


ann7777
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We have been married for 4 years now...Bill is probably the hardest person to figure out,should have been a red flag...I know most men find sex as a big part of a relationship,but he seems to take it too far.

I sleep now on the edge of the bed,not that that make any difference.he will wake me up no matter wheather I am sick,on my period or just plain don't want sex,at 3am or so.No matter how much I say NO,Stop,Go to sleep,I don't want to,he keeps after me until he gets what he wants.this will include ripping off my clothes,and forcing himself on me.He will also hold my arms so I can't move.This goes on every day that he is home and not traveling.On the average it is sex 5 days a week and some with 2-3 times a day.

His sex drive seems to be really bad then most men,and the way he disrespects me is what is really hard to deal with.

The other day , I found him in his closet with sexual toys and my g-strings etc.If he doesn't get the sex when he wants it and I have gotten up out of bed,he will throw things and get into a bad rage and stay that way all day.He has a bad temper,which flares up with bad words at me...If I go to another room,he won't allow it because he is afraid what the kids will think.He gets darn right pissed off with alot of anger.

I have become so depressed in this relationship,and he holds all the cards.he wont let me work out side of the house,hates when I spend time anywhere but at home with him.I want to leave,but I have to think of the kids as well and we would have zero if I walked out that door.theres so much more to this man,that is only the tip....I just dont know what to do any more,I cant sleep,Im depressed,no motivation and just have noone to turn too that doesnt want to be paid to talk,and besides they dont even care as soon as the HOUR is up...Any advice would be greatfully appreciated...

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There are so many red flags in what you have written about. It is not a matter of whether or not you CAN leave, you must leave in order to protect yourself and your kids. You have described physical, emotional and sexual abuse, including rape, and that is not a safe environment for you or your kids! PLEASE get help. Call a rape crisis center or a woman's shelter or the police or someone but PLEASE get help.

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ok so I am not crazzy and to simple of a women,other then the fact I have allowed this man to do this.That big step to leave is just that,a huge life changing step,not only for me but my kids.I'm not even sure how long I could hold a job once I found one because of all the emotional turmoil I am in.My daughter needs health coverage (We just found out she has a brain AVM,I need it for the meds that I am on now for the depression.He holds all the finances over me,and that is a big one to leave.Can one file for disability for so called mental illness? I hate to even label me that way,then I really wont be able to get a job some day.Seems I am just going around and around and around....

Both of your advice I know is for our good,now I just have to be able to do it,but it has confirmed in my mind that it isn't me that has the big issues,but him.Thank you for that,it will make it easier to start some where.Funny thing is that I have told people about it,but noone has really said much.Maybe they are to close to the situation?? It is hell and everyday I get weaker and weaker.This morning was a bit different,I think he knows that I am not kidding any more.He got all cuddly and wanted to be with me and stayed for hours.He gave me the big I am sorry for hurting you,like a thousand times before.I told him couseling, or nothing is going to change in this situation....But I wonder if that would really even help,do they ever change??

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Many states have welfare assistance that you and the children could fit into. Medical coverage for your daughter's needs is an almost certanty. Cash and food stamp assistance exist with different rules/regulations in each state. I know in my state domestic violence claims with nothing more than the applicant saying the issue exists (no proof needed) will 'buy' 9 months of assistance to start getting your head cleared. Also job training/education if you've been out of the work force for a while. Escape is possible and it sounds like something you should do. Call your local welfare office or a domstic violence center and just ask the questions find out what help is out there. There are lots of people ready and willing to help, but you need to take that first terrifying step alone.

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If you go to a shelter ASAP they can help you fill out all of the forms to get all of the necessary assistance you need including insurance for you and your daughter, a safe place to stay, possibly even a job. They will help you apply for financial assistance- welfare, food stamps, whatever is available to you. Don't let him stop you from taking this step by believing his lies that you can't make it on your own. I would not jump on the disability wagon, yet. There is a very good chance that, once you are away from this guy, your mood and attitude may improve.

As for the big change in your life, I know all about it. I left a marriage 4 years ago and my kids and I started completely over. I left a house, new van, everything we knew and started again. It has NOT been easy but it has been worth it. I can tell you the day I KNEW I had to leave was when I looked at my kids and thought "what are they learning from this marriage?" If I stayed, my DS would learn that the way his dad behaved was the way a husband/father should behave and my DD would learn that the way her dad treated me was the way she should be treated by a man one day. Once I realized that, there was no way I could stay! I did NOT live in an abusive situation but my XH had his own "issues" that were destroying him... and US!

You can do this. Just take it one day at a time and look for the help you need.

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Thank you for your encouragement,it means alot... and will be that stepping stone towards freedom!!! I guess at 47 it is not too late to start all over....I need to wait til after Christmas,and then get the nerve to do as all of you have felt I need to do.Three people could not be wrong!!!Agian thanks and I will try to keep you all posted,I know that there is a real me out there somewhere!!!

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Hi Ann7777

Its alright listening to everyone on this site but you need to do something fast before its to late? Its no good saying I'll wait till after xmas, What happens if he goes to far one night over xmas and everywheres closed for the holidays.

There's not only you involved in this decision, there's your children/child to consider?

Lets face it, he probably will be worst over xmas, what with all the drinking and parties to attend, not to mention your family/friends coming around to see you and your family.

I would nip it in the bud now while you've got the chance!

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Ann7777,

I must agree with what others have advised you about your situation. Even though you are married it is possible that you could make a legal case that you are being raped. In any case, I agree that it is important that you take your self and your children and move away from this man.

By the way, have you considered calling the police on him? Even then, you need a safe place to go to. Do you have parents and could you and the children stay with them? Have you protested to your husband and what does that do? Has he hit you, threatened you and do you feel in danger? Are there other relatives and friends you could stay with? What about the idea of a shelter? Have you consulted a lawyer?

Allan

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Please leave.. goto a shelter maybe in a close state. They have resources.... they will help you find a job and housing...

As far as PROVING rape on your husband... if he hurts you .. tears you .. leaves bruises.. go to the Health department and have pictures and it documented.....Or call the cops and tell them you need this documented.. even if you are not ready to do anything,... but NO>>> your feelings are right... as long as it is consentual .. well whatever.. BUT NO NOONE has the right to MAKE you do anything....

Keep in touch... JT

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Thanks ALL for replying and giving me some great advice!!! Now to act on it...

My husband has not left any marks on me,so there isn't anything to take a picture of .The sexual act of course leaves evidence,but since I am married are they really going to bother with that??

The other morning I was up at 5am again with him yelling at me because I would not give him his sex,that he so badly needed.No minding that it was that time of the month.It seems to be that when he is upset,angry about finances,that is his only thing to do.It makes him feel loved,like he is worth some thing he says.He claims to want a family,to work for the family,but then when the bills come in it is another story.I imagine his self worth falls into the 'How much money he makes" he NEVER late...and then probably how much a women loves him.He does nothing else,seriously...no drinking,no sports,no friends,nothing but work.He does like football though...

I think I will get a tape recorder or turn on the video camera next time he has one of his issues.I have tons of notes that I have made to myself over the years,not sure if that holds any weight though.

My boys are 17 and 13 and yes there is family around,I just hate to have to invade thier homes and life.I'm the one who should have it all worked out in my life by now,guess I fooled myself....

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Guest ASchwartz

Ann7777,

I don't know why you believe you need "evidence" of your husband's abusive behavior. Why don't you go for divorce and start by consulting a lawyer?

For "heaven's sake" what are you waiting for???

Allan:confused:

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My first reaction to reading your post was to tell you that you need to leave. I don't want to say that to you because it's easier said than done. I'm not exactly sure what type of advice to give you in that type of situation, but to answer your question it's definitely abuse. Abuse to the point of rape actually. He is abusing and controlling you and that is not good for you or your children. When you think of the children, also think of the tension they may see between you and your husband and how they may feel about it.

I'm not sure what else to say, but I wanted to let you know that there are those of us out here that are willing to listen and try to help you as best we can. Feel free to contact me if you need to.

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Thanks LadyKera for your words...How nice it is to hear nice words for a change.

I'm worn out this morning,again go to bed at 11:30 only to be bothered at 12:30.I leave again to another room and he follows with his swearing and name calling.He grabs the pillow out from under me and then slams it in my face,because I won't come back to HIS bed.He continues and continues to get me back to the room.Mean while his poor daughter that he brought up is hearing all of this.He has yet to pay any attention to her for the two days she has been here.Probably lucky...

He goes back to sleep and as soon as he does,I am up and started packing lightly in the closet.I dont know how I am going to get out of here with no money to my name,how to have all my valuables safe??? There's the kids school,college,medical,but I guess none of it will be any good if I am dead....Wow never thought Id be this messed up!!!

Thanks for just listneing will keep you posted.....Blessings to you and your family

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Wow like all have you been saying it isn't going to get any better...On Dec 27th he actually took both of his hands and put them around my neck.:eek:I slapped him and left.His daughter of 14 was in the other room and heard it all.Ever since then I have been out of his room,and staying at my kids home at times too.I haven't had the courage to go to the autorities yet...I have the information,just cant make the damn call.All the symptoms are there,now he is in the "Honeymoon" stage again....

I also contacted his ex to appologize (We have never talked) for his actions around his daughter.She told me he did the same things to her...Now I have a trail for him too...I wish I had know that before...

Is there anything legally that can make him leave the house instead of us all leaving the house??????????

Thank you to all who answered and encouraged me!!!

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yes I am sure I can find someone to go with me...My daughters are there for me as well as my sons,but I hate to drag them through this.I also have a friend or two that I could trust to go with me...I think it is more the LEAP off the cliff...that scares me,the unknown,but I know others have been there done this before and I am sure are much better for it...

Thank you so much for caring so much,it means so much to me!!! Just the fact that you asked!!!!

I hope what ever you have dealt with in the past that things are good for you now??

Take care and I will keep ya posted!!!!

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  • 4 weeks later...

yes i know what you mean. the relationship i am is is similar to yours.i have been married for almost 16 years.my husband and i have two wonderful boys. one will be two and the other one will be fourteen this year.

my husband has a sex problem in my book. every time i turn around he is wanting sex all the time,and i can not stand it. i have told him it is okay to have sex once in awhile but not all the time. he gets so angry will me. he does have a bad temper,but never hit me. he makes everything my fault. i do wrong in his eyes all the time. he loves to watch porn.i do not like watching that stuff.

i am a very emotional person.i have been emotional every since i can remember.he yells all the time at me.it hurts so bad. i do not have a place to go nor money to survive with my boys if i decided to leave him.

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Guest ASchwartz

Ann7777,

It is important that you call the police emergency when and if your husband puts his hands around your neck or even threatens you. You can and should have him arrested. However, you cannot force him out of the house without going to court. Even if arrested, he will be released the next day and will be back.

What about divorce???

Allan :D

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