pedophilia

[help_wanted22]

Hi, my name is Eric, I'm 16 years old, and I have a problem. I have been having pedophilia related thoughts. My school is a small one, and runs pre-k through 12, I am a senior. Throughout the past three months I have been having sexual thoughts relating to a few select girls that are quite a bit younger then I am. One of them is 8 years old and in second grade, another is 10 and in 4th grade, and the final one is also 10 and in the 4th grade. I would never act on the feelings I have been having, but I have been fantasizing about them a lot lately, and during masturbation I think about them, especially the 8 year old. Using them has made the masturbation very easy, and so my different fantasies have increased about all of them. I can't help myself from looking and admiring their bodies during school, and luckily I have very little time near them or I would probably be caught looking. I know that thinking this way is vile, disgusting, and it truly does make me sick when I think about it. At this point I know I will not act on the feelings I am having, but I would like to hear any advice anyone would like to give, thanks.

[silentmist]

Hey help_wanted

My advice is to think about what it might be that these children are representing to you. Think what is it specifically that you find attractive about them. Think about how you feel towards children your own age ... you are a child too help_wanted, please do not start thinking that you are a paedophile. Many people go through a phase like this where they will have a sexual interest in someone they feel ashamed of. Seeing yourself as a paedophile may actually help to compound these fantasies you are having.

The more you fantasise about children the harder it'll be to outgrow it.

If you are feeling aroused and are thinking about masturbating over these children try imagining their parants standing beside them or imagine telling your friends about what you would like to do with these children. Imagine thier reaction!

You are feeling shame about having these fantasies and thats good, it shows that you know that what you are fantasising about would be wrong to act on. This demonstrates that you are a good person and are concerned with the welfare of the children you are attracted to. This is really good! It also shows that you understand on some level that these children cannot share your attraction and so cannot engage in sexual activity with anyone under the important requirment of 'informed consent'.

[help_wanted22]

I have tried to think about the reactions of others about my problem, but I still can't stop the fantasies. For example, I saw the 8 year old today, and it immediately began, without my control, i noticed her hair, her eyes, her body, and I had to force myself to calm down and focus on work. Even now I feel tempted to masturbate thinking about her, or the other young girls that seem to have attracted me lately. I don't want to think of myself as a pedophile, and I won't act on my feelings, but the fantasies won't stop.

[help_wanted22]

I know I already posted, but I am having more urges to do this, and they are really strong, I can't get these young girls out of my head. Please, some advice?

[silentmist]

Hey help wanted

Thanks for responding Help Wanted. A bit of a long post but here goes.

You are in control! ... never forget that buddy! At the moment you probably find it too hard to manage your immediate reactions to these girls but what you can do is not look at them when you are having these erotic feelings. It's not ok to 'look but not touch' if the reason your looking at them is for sexual gratification. Looking at these girls whilst aroused will only feed the feelings that are causing you anxiety. Things that get fed only get bigger and stronger.

For now your able to not act on these thoughts and feelings but eventually, as time goes by and these thoughts become more ingrained and integrated then it'll be more and more likely that you would end up acting on them. Even if it's just putting yourself into a situation where you will be coming into contact with girls you find atttractive. You really don't want to be in that place help wanted, trust me.

What kind of fantasies are you having? ... I'm not interested in the actual physical activity but, in your fantasy, is the child demanding sex from you and is acting provocatively or, in your fantasy, is the child a person who is being dominated by you? ... How do you imagine the child to be feeling towards you in your fantasy? What kind of personality are you projecting onto the image of the child in your fantasy? ... Who do you want the child to be?

If you can't stop having these fantasies at the moment then there might as well an exploration of them (in a non-explicit way) to try and find out what it is that you are getting from them.

I know that there is a lot of stigma attached to these kind of thoughts but there are lots of people out there that would listen to you with respect and would not think bad things about you if you spoke to them about it.

I hope your not feeling bad after reading this, I don't want to make you feel as if you are not good enough or anything like that. Growth can be such a pain in the ass ... but it's worth it

[help_wanted22]

I know you are telling me not to look, but this is hard to do when they go to the same school as I do, and I see them every school day. I find myself looking even though I know I shouldn't because it makes the feelings stronger. In the fantasies the child tells me that they have noticed the extra attention and looks I have given them and then they make the advances, almost like a suductress... I resist the advances at first but eventually give in to the temptation. As for the child's personality, they seem to be naughty, yet contain an innocence at the same time. I want the child to be the suductress, or it seems this way in the fantasies, and they become clearer, and more real with each time. Thanks for the advice.

[silentmist]

Hi Eric

Theres some healthy stuff in those fantasys ... you want your lover to want you and for it to be consenting because she'll be the one instigating it, thats good. At least your not fantasising about forcing yourself onto them.

How likely do you think it is that an eight to ten year old child will want to have sex with a 16 year old? ... and why ?

I was wondering Eric how you feel about yourself sexually ... do you think that you are attractive? ... How cofindent do you feel about approaching a girl your own age? Your fantasising about being wanted and desired, admired for your attention and having a girl notice you.

Perhaps your interest in these children is due to you feeling unable to persue a more fulfilling relationship with a peer member ? ... a little food for thought.

I'm also thinking about what your home is like ... anyway, catch ya later

[paula]

Do you know, what is it with these people and Pedophillia? I mean, has the world gone stark raving mad?

It seems to be coming more of a problem now a days than when I was a kid! Now its more like kids that are having these fantasies about kids?

What is the world coming too?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Help_wanted22 adn Paula

First, help_wanted22, it is really essential that you get yourself into a psychologist's or psychiatrist's office and begin to get help with this, before you run the risk of hurting someone which you will regret the rest of your life. Even if the urges are not strong, as you say, they are still there and they could get stronger.

Paula, it is really important that we enourage people to get the help they need. At least help_wanted22 is being honest about his difficulty and that is a big step towards recovery. By the way, these types of things always existed. It is not just today.

Allan

[paula]

They might of existed, but they was never heard of like it is today! Be honest with yourself Allan.

[help_wanted22]

I know that it isn't likely that the 8 or 10 year old would want to have sex in general, let alone with me, but I think that is part of why the fantasies are so inticing, because they do. I don't think I am very attractive, but that has been so for many years, where as the fantasies started to occur only...since the end of the summer/start of the school year or so. I have no problems approaching, or even asking out girls my own age, as I have done this before with no problem. I don't know that the problem is centered around not being able to have a more fulfilling relationship with a peer member, because I have had a couple before. As for my home life, ask any questions you like, I'm willing to answer. Thanks again.

[silentmist]

I ws wondering what you generally feel like when your at home ... who lives with you, whats your social life like etc etc.

When I was fifteen I developed a kinda 'romantic' interest in a couple of 12+ year olds who reminded me of people I had a crush on earlier on in my life. I was just entering a reclusive lifestyle at the time and I think I was reaching out (in my imagination/fantasy) for a source of love that would help me to regulate my feelings of isolation. I grew out of it though later and simply ceased having those thoughts without becoming preoccupied with them.

I'm wondering what this interest of yours is about. Being 16 is a difficult time even at the best of times. Perhaps it's just a phase your going through.

[help_wanted22]

At home I generally am in my room, watching tv, playing videogames, etc. I don't interact with my mom or sister anymore, they kinda get on my nerves. If age matters for my sister she is 11. I also have a step-brother that is 14 and a sister who is 3 that do not live with me. My social life is fine, I go to my friends houses usually once a weekend or so, I have knowledge bowl, and speech season starts soon. I tutor on tuesdays and thursdays, which is part of my problem because the girls that I am attracted to in the 8-10 year old range happen to go to tutoring. I have thought about what you said when you kind of related some younger girls to girls you had liked in the past. Part of it may be from that. When I was 8-10 years old I had a girlfriend. We were together over that entire span of time, and the girls I am attracted to now have a few of the same features, but not a lot. So I don't believe that is the source. However, when I was in that relationship, and I don't know if this matters, me and my gf did almost everything a couple can do, almost to the point where at age 10 we almost had sex, we were both undressed, but I ended up deciding it was better not to. I don't know if that correlates, but I thought it might. I look forward to your next reply, oh, and another girl at about age 8 has attracted my attention, if that matters. Thanks again.

[DannyLewis]

Hi Eric,

A few questions. Do you feel inadequate around peer aged females? Do you have performance anxiety i.e Am I good enough, will I make her feel good, will she laugh at my size, do I really know what I'm doing. etc.? These can be issues that lead to thinking about and being attracted to younger females. You feel that since they don't have any experience, they don't have anything to compare you too. They won't laugh because most likely they haven't seen one before. You said in one of your posts that you see them as the seductress. This tends to stem from you wanting them to be interested in learning and wanting to be the one to teach them. One thing you can try, and no guarantees here, is aversion therapy. Think of something horrible happening in your life. REALLY horrible such as your family being killed in a terrible accident. When you start to fantasize about the girls, switch to the thought of how bad of an accident it was. It's called a punishment scene and you are punishing the thought you are having. Another tool is to carry a vial of something that is disgusting smelling such as deer urine or something else that smells horrible. When you find yourself thinking about the girls, pull it out (the deer urine, not your you know what) and take a whiff of it. These techniques are designed to, over time, get you to equate your thoughts with something unpleasant instead of pleasant, such as masturbation. Masturbation is rewarding your thoughts about them by giving you a good feeling. You want to attempt to avoid that. Hope this is somewhat helpful for you.

Danny

[silentmist]

Eric

Pulling out a vial of deer pee in front of these girls and sniffing it during a speech would certainly be interesting ...

Ok, so your mom and sis are irritating you, sounds normal LOL. But no mention of Dad? and a step-brother just two years younger than you!

You had a rewarding sexual relationship at the age of 8-10, I'm wondering how that ended and what else was going on in your life at around that time period. 8-10 is the typical age for the onset of puberty. I remember a friends little brother asked me to be his boyfriend at that age, it was so sweet of him, he was really cute (not 'sexy' cute). I loved him so much. I was 19 when that happened. I didn't appreciate at the time.

Your experiences may have primed you to see young girls in a sexual way, understandable really considering your experiences. That relationship has blurred a lot of important boundarys for you and your girlfriend. Perhaps part of you is still back there with her.

When I was 16 I also had quite a thing for older woman, do you have anything like that going on? ... do you fancy any of the woman at school or on the TV?

I have to go now but loads of thoughts and interests popping up in my noodlenet.

Later

[DannyLewis]

silentmist

I'm not advocating that he do this in front of the girls, or anyone else. It is just one tool that is used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to avert fantasizing about them in a sexual fashion. There are many other tools that can be implemented as well. Covert Desensitization, Rational Thought and Punishment Scenes are a few others. Statistically, there is a higher risk of a person acting on desires if they masturbate to them and reward themselves with the pleasure of an orgasm.

Eric :cool:

If you feel this is something more than just a passing phase, I strongly advise looking into speaking with a psychologist that specializes in the treament of sexual deviancies. They are trained in showing you how to use the techniques above in an effective and productive way. I know that at the age of 16 it would be difficult to pay for this and embarrasing to discuss in a non anonymous enviroment. But I would rather see you face some minor embaressment now and stay out of trouble in the future. I am NOT a licensed therapist and I am NOT qualified to tell you how to use these tools effectively. I just have a little knowledge about them and hoped it would help. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Edited December 15, 2008 by DannyLewis

[Guest ASchwartz]

I am inclined to agree with Danny and others who adise psychotherapy for the kind of thing Eric (and others) are experiencing. As I have quoted and stated, even fantasies that are pedophiliac reflect a serious problem because fantasies can turn into reality awfully fast.

Allan:(

[help_wanted22]

My mom and dad divorced when I was roughly one year old, he lives in a different state, and I see him a couple weeks during the year. My step-brother lives with him. Not to much else was going on during the 8-10 age period, and the relationship ended because I stopped meeting up with her. I don't have any current attractions toward any older women, by that I mean 25+ or so. Anything else you would like to know, or any other thoughts/ideas you have would be greatly appreciated silentmist, thanks again.

[IamLove]

Speaking from experience, the girlfriend must have been sexually abused herself. I, being abused as young as six, began masturbating and having sexual fantasies at that young age. Because of this not-normal carnal knowlege, I developed a very aggressive sexuality. At age 7, there was an 11 yr old boy that was the son of my parents friends, so we got a lot of alone time. He would "dry hump" and french kiss me, at 7 remember?, and I would instigate for this to occur, (ie, try to get alone), I enjoyed his attention. In a way- I molested him. Have you thought of that? Most girls at the age of 8-10 would not be comfortable doing those kinds of things, unless they had learned it elsewhere. I am afraid you are her victim, and in the after effects you are drawn to repeat the intensity of the loss of innocence involved. I fantasized at 14 that someone bigger & stronger than me would hold me down and force themselves on me. (like it had happened before). The introduction of such complex sexuality at too immature of an age warped your sense of what is exciting and desirable. This also can cause desensitization of "normal" attractions. Since there was a "naughty" and "taboo" factor to your earliest experiences, it will take a lot to get that kind of "fix" again. Please talk to a school counselor, your parents, or another adult that the sexual deviations (of your younger days) happened, you may need to acknowlege that this was molestation, and seek closure, before you repeat the offense. (Think of this being done to your sisters at 8, what you did with her).

Edited December 15, 2008 by IamLove
Mis-spelled word, could distort meaning

[silentmist]

silentmist

I'm not advocating that he do this in front of the girls, or anyone else.

Hi Danny

It was fun imagining him doing something like that though, I couldn't resist!

Eric you say that you have a little sister thats three years old so you would have been about thirteen when she was born. I was ondering if you felt neglected back then. I was thinking this because you say that you find both your mom and sister irritating (which isn't that unusual in and of itself). Does this mean that you feel angry or resentful towards them? ... even if it's just over silly little stuff ? ... I'm sorry to hear that you don't have much contact with your dad Eric. My dad left home when i was 9 and ceased to see him at all after 12. I beleive that an absent father has real consequences for the kids, even though thats not generally culturally recognised.

I like your post too Iamlove ... it makes me think about how the perspective of victim and perpetrator can often be blurred, especially with child sexual abuse. Also for pointing out that what happened between Eric and his freind was abusive for both of them.

Edited December 16, 2008 by silentmist

[DannyLewis]

Hi silentmist;) You're right, it would be quite a sight to see :eek:

I tend to agree with IamLove also. I was molested at the age of 12 by a 19 year old female babysitter. I thought I was the coolest 12 year old kid in town fooling around with a girl that age. I had no idea that there could be female pedophiles at that age. I was also in a relationship with a woman when I was in my 30's that told me that she used to MB to fantasies of adult men sneaking in and forcing themselves on her when she 9 years old. It is not normal for a child of 9 to have those thoughts unless they have been abused in the past.

Eric

Please, ask for help. What you're doing right now SEEMS innocent. You're not touching, you're just fantasizing. No big deal right? Wrong. Because soon, that isn't enough. You desire more than just self pleasure, and you end up hurting someone. Trust me.

Edited December 16, 2008 by DannyLewis
missing and mispelled words

[help_wanted22]

Hey everyone, I want to thank you for all of the advice, that'll be all I need, at this point I don't think there is much to add, so I will stop posting. Thanks especially to silentmist my most trusted correspondant in this discussion. That'll be all.

[DannyLewis]

Eric:(

We'll be sad to see you go. If you ever need anymore help, please don't hesitate to stop back in

[silentmist]

Your welcome Eric

I just wish I knew how to support you effectively. This community is always here and is great for venting thoughts and emotions that we would probably never dare to expose to those who know us personally.

I think your a very brave young man. Thats a positive quality that can be built on over the years and applied to anything you wish.

[help_wanted22]

Thank you for the positive comments silentmist, and I would continue to post on here, I just don't want to make it seem like I can't handle it by myself. I continue to have the same feelings, especially today when I saw all three of the younger kids that started all of these fantasies at tutoring. I am happy to report that I have not been thinking about them during masturbation for roughly a week now, although I still am turned on by them during school. Anything else you would like to say would be greatly appreciated, and feel free to ask any questions you would like.