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LauralLeeAnn
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Hi.. So my name is LauralLee, and i am 20 years old. I'm at a loss of what to do, so i figured i'd just post on here and see if anyone has any suggestions on where to go from here. I'm probably going to just rant and spill everything about my life, cuz i am at a loss, and at the point where i just want help. So i will apologize ahead of time for the ramble.

So i will start with a little background. My parents have been divorced since before i was born. I have one older biological sister. My dad and mom both remarried when i was two. I really have no memories of my childhood that are good. I know i have good times, i just can't remember them. When my dad married my step mom, i also got 3 more older sisters and 2 older brothers. I was a competetive gymnast for 10 years. I lived with my Dad and Step Mom, but my parents were constantly in court over custody. I only saw my mom twice a month, and at first they were supervised by a police officer. Eventually my sister and I would go stay for a weekend. My parents weren't allowed to be in the same building, so school activities were limited to one or the other. i quit gymnastics because my parents couldn't agree on which gym i was going to be at. My step mom and dad had a very abusive relationship. She was manipulative, and controling and wanted my sister and I to have nothing to do with our mother. She would tell us horrible things about our mom. When i was ten, she pressed assault charges against me, because i threw a fit when she grounded me for wearing pants under a dress to church. I was taken to Juvie for 5 hours, "To scare me straight" as she said. In High School things got better because i just didn't go home. Now i am twenty and i think i am losing my head.

I was always a very angry child. I wet the bed till i was 8 or 9. I would throw horrendous fits when i didn't get my way, and cry and scream until i fell asleep. Most of the time i had no idea why i was crying. I never acted out in school or anything. I did fake sick a lot though. As far back as i can remember i have never been able to express how i feel. Ive seen many theropist, but my mind goes so fast that I can't get a grip on a single thought to express how i feel. Ive had suicidal thoughts since middle school. I've played with drugs, but nothing serious. I've never actually been addicted to anything. I have struggled with self esteem issues as far as I can remember. I could have been training for the olympics, but i didnt think i was good enough. I have always struggled with an eating disorder as well. I am 5 ft tall and i weight 100lbs. I have anxiety attacks often, if i get too upset i just break down and hyperventilate. It takes me hours, sometimes days to calm down about it. I am over emotional, i am 20 and i still cry when someone is the slightest bit mean to me, or if i hear a sad song.

When it comes to relationships, i've had no good ones since i started dating. My first serious boyfriend, we dated for 2 years, was very verbally abusive. He used me, and i just let him. I bought him everything, put gas in his car, paid for prom and homecoming and everything. It got to the point that his mom pretty much broke us up because he was so mean to me. Then i had some flings, and my next serious boyfriend, again for 2 years, was the same way. he was very verbally abusive, and then got physically abusive. he would tell me i have less worth than a prostitute, call me a c**t, b***h, and all sorts of other words. He beat me multiple times, gave me a concusion and two black eyes. I worked two jobs, and he worked 15 hours a week. I supported him, and would spend my last 20 dollars so he could buy drugs instead of buy food. In both relationships i always used sex to fix things. When we fought i'd just throw myself at them to fix it.

I want these cycles to stop, and i want to better understand why i am the way i am. I don't know what to do or where to go from here.

Help?

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Hello, LauralLee, welcome :)

I'm sorry you've been struggling so much and are still messed up due to your traumatic childhood :(.

But it's a great thing that you've decided to change your life, break the cycles and understand more about you, your life, and your options.

I'm sorry you haven't yet been helped by therapy. Expressing feelings in therapy is often very hard for many of us, it often takes some time to learn it, but it's worth the efforts and the waiting. Do you think you could afford a new therapy now? In the meantime, you might learn to express your feelings by writing here - it's a good opportunity ;).

Have you already searched for some theory about psychology, roots of abusive relationships, consequences of traumatic childhood? Self-education is insightful and may contribute to your self-understanding...

I hope you'll keep posting about yourself. Maybe later I'll have also some questions, but now I have to go...

Take care!

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Hi again :).

So, some questions occurred to me:

- What's now your occupation? Do you work or study?

- You live alone, I suppose (?).

- Do you have a/some friend(s) to talk to? How's your relationship with your sister? Can you support and help each-other with emotional issues?

- You've mentioned your eating disorder. Could that be a "starting issue", something maybe simpler (?) to focus on in a therapy (I mean simpler that the suicidality, ...)?

- Now when you know the patterns typical for your relationships with men, do you already feel the determination to change them, to get rid of your typical way of functioning in a relationship and find much healthier ways?

Maybe you've already realized that your relationships reflect your false convictions, mainly that "you have to do everything the men wants and you have to let him do anything with you", which stem from your childhood experiences. This kind of internalized models and distorted thinking can, sadly, be rooted strongly in our minds, but they certainly can be "removed", or at least sufficiently attenuated in a good therapy. Changes allowing the development of healthy relationships do happen. I hope you feel the hope and are strong enough to try and find your way to healing...

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