About my childhood...

[tarun829]

What does it mean when a 10 year olds parents are more interested in other peoples kids than their own? I have noticed a definite trend indicating that my parents were more interested in other peoples kids (for example my cousins) (& even more concerned about them), than they were about me.

When I was 11, I had once accidentally shot a boy my age with my air rifle. He arm was injured. My mother got very concerned. She cleaned his wound and bandaged him. There is nothing wrong with what she did. But get this. Just a few years before that I had injured my leg and was bleeding badly and needed stitches. So I go to my mother who was talking on the phone and continued talking on the phone despite seeing my injury. And she made me wait instead of immediately ending the phone call and taking me to a doctor. Its been more than 20 years to that experience and I don't know exactly how long my mom made me wait, but she made me wait atleast 3-4 minutes and I think I had to prod her again to end the phone call.

My question is, where were my mothers maternal instincts this time? She acted very concerned and quickly when the boy I had shot got a small injury, but when I needed stitches she took her own sweet time to end the phone call. Is there any posssible explanation for this?

My father has also been acting strangely around me. In the past atleast, he seemed to be more interested in my cousins than he was in me. Let me re-phrase that. He was more interested in my cousins and completely ignored me.

When I was 10, my uncles family came to stay with us: husband, wife and two kids. A boy of my age, and a 6 year old girl. My father was very much interested in my uncles kids; chatting with them, having fun with them, joking with them. On the other hand he completely ignored me. And till then I had never even seen that side of my fathers personality. Till then I used to think my father is a serious kind of person. But he was very much interested in other peoples kids. Albeit not his own.

A few years before that, my father, I, and some cousins had gone to the beach for a picnic. Over there also, my father was all the time playing in the water with my cousin sister who was just one year older than me; making sure she has a good time and is laughing all the time. Again while ignoring me all the time.

If my father sees me in an unexpected situation (like if he gets on the same bus that I am on) there is absolutely no expression on his face, but he he sees my cousin brother in an unexpected way (the same one who came to stay with us) his face will light up in a big smile and he would be pleasantly surprised.

I would like to know why this indifference towards me from both my parents. Even today when I ask my father a question, he replies in a manner which indicates that he is answering because he has to, not because he wants to.

BTW, I am a 30 y.o. male, and I also have a sister but she is mentally retarded. And my father has always been very kind, caring and considerate towards her. Thank you for reading.

[malign]

"Why" is one of those questions that you can drive yourself crazy by asking. First off, when we're talking about "acts of god", like natural disasters or accidents, you can be sure we'll never know why. On the other hand, when we're talking about other people's motivations, it's not really all that different. I mean, you can ask the person why, but even if they reply there's a good chance you won't understand, or at least agree with, the answer. Certainly, asking a third party why the person acted the way they did is even less likely to achieve satisfaction. {<---- long way of saying "I don't know".}

The temptation, of course, is to assume that a person acts a certain way towards us because of something about us. It's a temptation because it's what we want to believe: if bad things happen to us because we cause them, at least we have a chance to stop them happening by changing something. Sadly, though, when people act in incomprehensible ways, it's usually because of something in them that we don't know about. If we knew what the root cause was, we might understand, but quite often the other person isn't even aware of the cause, much less able to explain it in an understandable way. Heck, they may even say that we did cause what happened, just to cover their confusion or shame, or whatever issue is really the cause.

In other words, self-esteem isn't ever going to come (reliably) from any source outside ourselves.

[tarun829]

Thank you for your reply malign

[malign]

I wish it had helped? ;-)

Take care of yourself, I guess, is all I can add.

[Victimorthecrime]

Other peoples actions are a reflection of who THEY are, not you. Your father has emotional problems and would be well served by competent therapy.

[tarun829]

Thank you for your reply. It would be difficult to get my father to therapy, especially since we are not even talking right now, but atleast I have an idea of what problem he has.