getting very dark here

[kathleen]

found your community and thought I would try and see if it could help.

I am isolated in every way you could imagine.

Things are at the darkest point I have ever been in.

I have maybe two months until I am completely broke.

I have filed for SSI and am feeing this dread that it will be denied.

I was on it for years until I got married, my now ex husband was rich enough so that I didn't need it.

My mental condition is worse now, I got practically nothing in the divorce and I have no experience and no education, even if I was well, no one would hire a 42 year with nothing to show.

I literally can't work, too depressed, too much anxiety. People scare me.

I stay in my house, and this house will be gone very soon if I can't pay the bills.

I have panic attacks just going to the store for food.

I have no support, no friends, no family.

I feel hopeless.

I tried suicide in July, I really don't understand how I woke up, because the plan was solid and I made sure I wasn't near any help.I woke up, delusional and long story short, was in hospital for awhile.

I lost custody of my kids because of my depression and they were the only thing I got out of bed for, the only reason to live another day in this Hell I am in.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish by writing this...

I think maybe to say, I am waiting to get to spend almost a week with my kids in the new year and waiting for SSI to be denied and after that...I am pretty sure I will end this life.

I have fought depression/anxiety since I was 9, it seems clear that it is never going to get any better.

no medication, and there have been hundreds tried, and therapy-all types, have made any dent in this suffering.

[finding my way]

Hi kathleen, welcome to our community

I am sorry to hear of so much loss

has there been anything you've ever experienced that gives you relief?

were you ever able to process the changes that happened at 9?

many hear can related to struggling with depression.

[kathleen]

relief? no

processed-yes

I think that if I had SSI again, at least I would know I wasn't becoming homeless.

It would be a worry off my back.

I could also afford to get back into therapy and on meds again. This does not take away the struggle, but they make the days less grey for sure.

There are no answers or options here either.

Thanks for responding though, I appreciate it.

[IrmaJean]

Kathleen, I am sorry you are feeling so down.

We can listen and offer our care and support. I hope you receive the assistance you need to keep your home and to get professional help.

Does anything bring you moments of serenity?

[kathleen]

nothing brings me serenity.

funny how my last gasp for air, me trying to reach out for something, anything, brings nothing.

hopeless

sorry for wasting space here

[IrmaJean]

No space is ever wasted when a human being reaches out for help.

Do you know what something, anything, you were looking for? What might help? There are people out there who care.

[kathleen]

Im sorry.

was having a pity party yesterday.

I do appreciate you saying something here.

I think it would be a help to think that I am not so alone in this.

Online is just about all I can do right now to reach out.

I am so isolated and the holidays are so rough, especially now without my kids.

I feel like I have been punsihed for having depression even though I have made major efforts to control it or live with it as best as I knew how.

I tried so many things without expecting a magic bullet and even then, the pure lack of any relief was such a tremendous letdown.

I just feel utterly hopeless and wishing I was important in this world, as immature as that sounds, but it never left me, I have always felt not goood enough for this world, and now that I am old, I am pretty much useless society tells me I am useless.

No longer needing a mate, I had that, he's gone. No kids, they were taken from me because of depression, even though they were my life pretty much and never needed anything from me, they got everything from me and until recently, they didn't know how long and deeply I suffered from this.

Even now, I don't thin they really KNOW. There dad tells them constantly that I am just crazy and can do what others do with no problem, that I make this up for drama and attention.

Attention would be nice actually...it would be a change, I had this man, my ex, tell me I was shit for 13 years and I still think that about myself.

I didn't really like myself to begin with but I tell you, living with him, never cleaning right, never taking care of the children right, never cooking right, never saying anything right for his perfect existance...has taken a large toll on an already broken soul.

I take responsibility for marrying him, I did that to myself, but there is no reason for the cruelty that was inflicted in my opinion.

I never worked so hard in my life for the perfection he demanded and even when he came home to a house that could have been from a magazine, with a delicious dinner on the table and calm bathed children...there was always something wrong, never good enough.

I wasn't good enough for my parents, for him, for the few friends I used to have and now, not good enough for anyone, anything...especially myself. All the self love therapy and research I have done...I will never have that. I can't love myself, there is no reasons to.

I have the deepest hatred for myself and see the only option of deleting myself out of this hell.

Like I said, I am very hopeless at this point and will stay here for a little while longer and then give up for good.

I can't say I am completely sold on this idea...it's very true that people don't want to die, they want/NEED something big to change.

I have worked on changing, I tried all these things about you make your own way, live in the moment, dream about a goal and then pursue it...the universe loves you-you just have to think about what you want and IT gives it to you, meditated, yoga, god...the list goes forever.

I have have times of hope and when things seem liked they would go in a good way, but it almost seems like something out of the blue comes along and destroys that, something sometimes even out of my control. I tried to stay positive, but the depression sucks me in like a vacuum.

Darkness or evil even, if there is such a thing, has shadowed me my entire life here.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

I felt like I would have so much more in my 40's: money, security, answers, comfortable in my own skin etc etc etc...everybody else seems to have this.

Now I get to look forward to my body falling apart...it's too much, it really is.

[IrmaJean]

Hi, Kathleen. My name is Beth.

I'm sorry for all of your pain and struggles. Being away from your children must be so very hard, and especially around the holidays. Are you able to write to them or have any contact at all?

I just feel utterly hopeless and wishing I was important in this world, as immature as that sounds, but it never left me, I have always felt not goood enough for this world, and now that I am old, I am pretty much useless society tells me I am useless.

I think that many of us wish to leave our mark here in the world. We want to be valued and remembered. I have those feelings too. I believe that we all have value and light. Are you able to connect with your gifts, Kathleen? If you can't right now, maybe one day soon you will.

I didn't really like myself to begin with but I tell you, living with him, never cleaning right, never taking care of the children right, never cooking right, never saying anything right for his perfect existance...has taken a large toll on an already broken soul.

I'm sorry you were treated this way. All of us, any of us, can only do our best, and we answer to ourselves. It must have been very hard on you trying to fit into his mold of perfection all of the time. It sounds as though he is dealing with his own issues. His behaviors were and are about him.

All the self love therapy and research I have done...I will never have that. I can't love myself, there is no reasons to.

I have the deepest hatred for myself and see the only option of deleting myself out of this hell.

Self-love takes time and it can be challenging. I've been working on this for years, and I have made some wonderful gains. It's possible for you too, Kathleen. You might start out by paying careful attention to your inner critical voice and how you treat yourself. I have also found that treating myself with kindness and compassion has helped a great deal.

Now I get to look forward to my body falling apart...it's too much, it really is.

I hear you and you aren't alone. My body has been betraying me lately. I'm trying now to practice the best self-care that I possibly can. I'm sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. Living life isn't easy. I hope you will hold on, Kathleen, if you can. One day at a time. It's okay to lean on others if this is your need. We can hold on to hope for you until you can find your way to it. We're here to listen.

Take gentle care.

[kathleen]

thank you Beth

[finding my way]

Hi kathleen. In depression there is a strong systemic heaviness that is biochemical, but there is also an extremely negative outlook seemingly without hope of change. Some people respond to medication, some don't. I hear you saying right now you can't get benefits so the meds are not available. Right now the internet is it.

My last therapy was with internal family systems, IFS therapy. For me it was the ticket. I mention it only to share that there really are different ways to think and function that are possible. We can get so heavily identified with a certain part of ourselves, cling to it even, as if entertaining another dimension of ourselves is denying reality itself. If a person can gain safety and permission to explore other modes and open up to other possibilities sometimes we can find our way.

What were your experiences with meditation and breathing techniques? Creating a place of safety with yourself, even if it is very small, would be a vital step. A moment of genuine acceptance of you by you, even if it is a micro second, is a beginning.

[kathleen]

I haven't heard of IFS therapy.

the last therapy I tried was Dialectical behavior therapy...

the breathing techinique I use when I am out and start to panic is the breathe in through nose, breathe out trhough mouth with a slow count of five.

and meditation was extremely hard to manage for me, inner quiet is rare unless medicated to almost brain dead and hard to obtain for me personally

[finding my way]

Can you take that breathing technique you use for panic and use it once or twice a day as your practice? You might be able to extend it to more settings, like before each meal. We all have to start somewhere with ourselves... and a very little bit can go a long way if we open to it.

Did you get any "take aways" from DBT?

[kathleen]

yes, I could try the breathing tech for many other times. I think when I am in situations other than going out, I forget I can use it for other things.

DBT...was cut short because I lost medicaid when I lost custody since I had it under a family plan (I was previously living only on child support). It took me a very long time to re apply as a single, noin working person because of the social panic, and now am waiting for a reply.DBT didn't feel like it was working, I didn't feel any support and when I lost medicaid, I was basically just left in the wind, I am getting use to reaching out for help and hitting brick walls, nonetheless is was disappointing

this is off the subject but I need to talk about it.

I had my kids for a week...was supose to have them for a week, and my oldest daughter and me got into a fight and she left 3 days in. My 6 year old wanted to go home too. Him I can understand, he got so many toys from his dad and his dads family....I can't compete with buying anything and do not have the money to really go out and do anything. Going out is already hard for me so I feel so much pressure to be happy and doing extra stuff I really don't have the energy for. The middle child decided to stay for the rest of this visit. I think if they all left last night, I would have considered sitting in the garage with the gas on...which, I may do after this week is up. Still not sure right now since I have had no sleep for 2 days and am really not thinking right.

My oldest daughter wanted to go out and hang with some boy I didn't know late at night, so when I said no, she wanted to leave telling me there was nothing to do at my house. Every time she comes over we have an issue, she thinks because she is here she can do what she wants, regardless of safety. Ours is a complicated relationship and both my girls are dealing with the fact that I tried to kill myself this summer.

I am not sure how to get it through to them that I did it for reasons that had nothing to do with them,its' not that they are not important to me, I just can't live like this with such utter lack of everything.

I can't live for them. At this point I see no options, my depression is getting worse daily, when the kids do see me, I can't be fun, I can't buy them anything and I can't take them out. It's a vicious circle because they in turn don't want to be in this boring depressing house. So, I beat myself up even more. lose lose situation

I think at this point, with a rich father and soon to be new step mom, having everything they need given to them and me being in this world completely lost, it will be easy to leave. I think they will be fine.

They get such hateful retoric from their father they feel I am useless too...which I am at this point. All he has to say is, I lost custody so I am a bad parent.

which is true

good parents dont lose their children.

I don't see the point of anything right now.

[finding my way]

The breathing technique as a practice could give you a little space between you and these thoughts. In crisis we can really spiral oursleves downward with negative thinking that goes uninterrupted. That small space created here and there can add up to the ability to break a negative momentum and gain needed perspective.

I am sorry things are so painful right now

I learned in IFS that a part of me functions as a manager, trying to deal with things. A manager part that feels all on her own may take over a person and come to conclusions that another part of a person would not necessarily reach. You might feel that suicide is a way to "solve" these problems, but there are many other ways to look at your situation.... though you would need to be able to shift out of the present "mode" to see them. Sometimes just having compassion for this burdened manager part that knows no other way to do her job of dealing with circumstances can really help. I know mine was so very weary of trying so very hard and not seeing any hope. It wasn't until I was able to breathe some space into her grip that I could see her with compassion and grant her a little rest.

[IrmaJean]

Kathleen, you are a person in pain. I'm sorry you are hurting so much. It's good that you are expressing what you need to talk about. You love your children. Being a parent is hard. None of us are perfect parents. I hope you can be gentle with yourself. Your ex does not help the situation or your children by saying such things. Maybe it could benefit all three children to be in counseling? I hope you are able to get counseling for yourself too. Are you expecting a reply soon?

Depression can make everything look dark. Things can change, even though this is likely very difficult for you to see right now. I hope you can hold on one day at a time. We're here, listening.

Take gentle care.