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Grief over lost time & opportunity - dating


smarTpants
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I was reading the chapter on dating, which has some good information, and decided to post this here to get help.

Unfortunately, this online help wasn't available in the nineties when I was in my twenties. I wish it had been--my life would've been a lot better. My life has been largely void of romance, partly because I didn't even try to date much in my twenties, when I should have. (Part of the reason, though, is that women don't provide feedback to us guys unless we chase first--so we have no idea whether to try--a catch 22.)

My young life is almost over (chronologically), and I live with heartbreak every day because of the lost time devoid of romance, love and intimacy. And I'm a very romantic, emotionally available, sensual 'boy'. I don't know if or how I'll ever get over this grief, or if I even want to. There's a digression needed here...

Despite women's demands for equality and respect, which I have always agreed with, not one woman in my demographic has ever simply struck up a conversation with me to explore dating, yet they likely get 1000 dating opportunities by the time they're 25 just by going out. (I'm talking about relatively attractive, education-track people in the U.S.A. here.) They want the culture to change so that they're equal despite their sex, but they expect us guys to adhere to traditional culture and be the ones to chase because of our sex. A lot of guys, like me, don't like this. It's unfair, and it sure isn't fun. But they still expect us to be fun or they really won't deal with us. They want men to be emotionally available (which I am), but, by their actions, they don't care about how we feel. Women get flattery and attention all the time. Maybe it isn't always what they want, but it's better than nothing, which is what most of us men get. I want to be flattered and desired and pursued too, sometimes. They expect us to "just get over it". But if we're good guys, which they say they want, then we value equality, respect and integrity. So if we have integrity, how are we supposed to "just get over it"? Now this paragraph isn't really my main focus here. I've done a lot of research, interviewed college professors, and even corresponded with women who end up understanding and agreeing with me. So I know I'm right about this. (But it is a huge problem for me that I'll likely need therapy for--suggestions welcome on how to get over my anger at women while simultaneously loving them and wanting to date them).

So, the reason I don't know if I want to get over my grief is that getting over it would mean that I'm fine. And I don't know if I want to be "fine" with how women have treated me my whole life, with how they hurt me just by being hypocrites.

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I too can, and often do, get angry at 'woman'. It's when I calm down and relax (a rare treat) that I appreciate that I'm projecting all sorts of crud at the 'schema' I have of 'woman'. It's very easy to fall into the trap of having high expectations of woman, after all, they're sugar and spice and everything nice ... right? ... the fairer sex ? ... yes?

I'm sure that there are lots more phrases and idioms set to elevate woman to a level that just isn't human. IGNORE THEM. Take each woman as an individual who is just human, that means that she is going to let you down, abuse you, forget about you and all the rest of it. Pretty much the same as the relationships we have with our own sex but probably don't pay much attention because of expectations.

There are expectations ascribed to sex too and most people seem to seek to conform to them and are feared if they don't. Perhaps there are lots of woman who would like to chat about dating with men but are afraid to do so, who knows ... behaviour can often be a poor reflection of whats going on in our minds, those inhibitions can be irritating, yet essential.

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“So, the reason I don't know if I want to get over my grief is that getting over it would mean that I'm fine. And I don't know if I want to be "fine" with how women have treated me my whole life, with how they hurt me just by being hypocrites.”

I think I’m the only female to respond so far. I just want to point out that your final paragraph points to a vicious cycle you might be bound in. You need to be angry with women, or else you’ll be fine, and you know you’re not fine. And, I bet women can tell you have a chip on your shoulder about them which makes them keep their distance, which keeps your cycle refreshing itself.

I can relate to needing to be angry. I used it for years to center my sanity around. Otherwise, nothing was wrong, and I knew that couldn’t be because I was so miserable. I eventually had to come up with other things to organize my sanity around :). I know you can do it too. I had to have help, by the way.

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