I am suffering and I do not know why.

[cindyhelen]

Hello everyone , my name is Cindy Helen , I'm 17 years old . I am depressed . I always had problems with the school lacked in many classes and so I lost five years. All seemed well at the beginning of this year , I moved in with my father . I was sad because I hate him, but the school was motivated to accomplish my dreams .

I moved to my mother's house , now I live alone here , because she works in another city . I can not leave the house . Do not go out three months or in the courtyard of my house . I spend the whole day sleeping , or lying down . Reading , eating . I really want to change , but not the support of my friends I have more . I lost all of them, because I always made ​​excuses not to go out with them .

Nobody cares about me .

I can not stand this life , I wanted to have a routine .

But I'm sick of people do not go out in the street , and when I leave , I regret .

I bought seeds aconitum napellus and I'm thinking of killing myself . But before that , I want to seek help to see if these bad thoughts leave me alone .

Sorry for my english, I'm not American.

[LaLa]

Hello, Cindy, welcome!

I'm sorry you're so depressed and even think of suicide . But it's great to see that you decided to seek help. It's a proof that there's a part of you that still wants to live. If you question your suicidal fantasies/wishes: Wouldn't you prefer to live in a better, pleasant way, than not living anymore? You even mentioned you have dreams to accomplish. I know that now it seems impossible, but this is a state that can be changed, a disease that can be cured. It will probably take a rather long time and it won't be easy, but almost all things "really worth having/experiencing" are difficult to achieve, aren't they?

Can you describe what you used to wish, to dream about?

Why did you stop going to school? Have you finished it already? Is it time to go to college / university / a course / to find a job..., but you can't because you are depressed? Or are there also other reasons?

You said you've lost your friends, but this can be only a temporary state, you might have some of them back and you surely might make new ones when you'll feel a bit better than now.

Is it practically possible for you to seek psychological help? This would be probably ideal - to have a good therapist who would accompany you in your healing, in your socialization, and in the decision-making about your future (school, job, ...).

In the title, you say you don't know why you are suffering. However, when I read your post, I can see several reasons that can cause this suffering and I'm sure there are many more, probably mostly unconscious so far, which you can discover and understand and then use these new insights to overcome the suffering and to change your life for better.

For the beginning: How would you answer now if somebody asked you what causes your suffering?

Don't worry, your English is OK .

I hope you'll write more and answer the questions so that we can understand you better .

Take care!

L.

Edited October 24, 2013 by LaLa3
I added something

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[cindyhelen]

Hello Lala.

Yes, sometimes I think the only way out is death, but something tells me "Suicide is not the solution" But I do not always listen to..

I've often wondered about this in recent months. I know that I am able to accomplish them, but I always think about all the bad

that can happen, or if I can regret. And then I quit. It is very hard to fight against this negative part of me.

It prevails always, or almost always.

I have many dreams but sometimes change my mind but for the most part.

Dreams like working on something that I enjoy, like Psychology or Forensic Science,

have a car ( I'm in love with cars ), anyway .. Having a home, I don't dream or deserve something

very large or handsome, but something of mine. Able to travel, meet elsewhere .

But all this alone. My family thinks I'm weird, I'm kind of invisible here.

And I think that's great because I love solitude. I've always been like that since little.

Never had friends, they always walked away from me. And it seems they still do it.

I'm weird anyway, because I like to be alone, but not like feeling alone .

I stopped going to school, but not finished. I'm still in elementary school.

There are still four years to complete .

I can not go to school, and gives me some pain whenever I talk about

this because I suffered so much in school. Bullying all the time, every day.

They had hit me, anytime.

In 2011, I consulted a psychologist, she helped me a lot. In three months I've

got back to school. But there was always a problem.

I was afraid to leave the house, then had a lot of anxiety and it made me

vomit when I went to school.

Whenever everything seemed fine, a problem replacing the other.

It's sad, and it hurts too much not to know what problem I am facing now .

Hence the title, I am suffering and I do not know why.

Sometimes it gives me a force of will, a huge hyperactivit . And could cross

the walls with excitement. But a moment later, I think something can

screw it, and now I'm angry. Rage sad. And sad to be

angry.

I lost friends, especially a friend who I care so much.

She got tired of the way I am, found another friend and left me.

I've been there so many times that now I do not know if I want friends.

They always betray me, hurt me.

I can get psychological help, and I'm trying very hard to achieve

go there. But I will not know how to answer what she asks me because

I'm not someone very communicative. I do not know to express myself.

I'm afraid to make me want to cry, I am ashamed .

I would answer : Fear .

Fear of failure has even been a failure. Fear of making mistakes myself have been a mistake.

Fear of suffering the same since suffering.

Thanks for helping me, I searched a lot for a forum in which to find

people in the same situation as me.

Thank you, good to have the support of someone who does not judge me .

Thank you.

[cindyhelen]

Hi Shadow Self.

I really have no fear of death.

Never had.

I know that I need to help myself, and try it all the time.

But I think there are things that have no way to find out, overcome alone.

And it makes me sad, because I always think so self sufficient.

I do not know what I'd expect after you die, do not believe in God or Devil.

So go to hell is disposed of my list of fears.

But sometimes it seems like the only hope I have is what awaits me later.

I have hope I sleep forever. After all, no one knows how things are

after you die.

I try to put things together in the past to try to understand the present.

But it never helps, because I can not assemble it.

And it makes me worse.

[Guest]

Looking into the past helps no one, why bring up painful memories live for the now, and live for the what could be. Don't live or die for that matter because of the past, like you said you know school will allow you to make something of yourself hold onto that feeling. One day you will have everything you need to be the you, that you want to be don't give up, Shadow is wrong it's hard to live and hard to die as well in my opinion because you will always want to know what could have been, and that motivates you but the torment the neglect the pain is so strong that you don't want to live either. I believe we as humans, have to find balance to it all. Between the desires of wanting to die and wanting to live. My take on it currently is that we will die regardless, one day no matter the nothingness on the other side; so why rush the process? Look for the positives... Like this website for example

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[LaLa]

Hello all,

I'd like to comment on what Shadow Self wrote.

My subjective perceptions/impressions are:

I think the main ideas (about knowing oneself, ego, larva, suffering, ...) are valid for many of us and I appreciate the way S. Self put it (except for the indecent language which I don't like at all in general, but that's probably my problem...). Nevertheless, there's a big problem with... maybe even understanding (for at least part of the readers), but mostly with putting it into practice. We are all similar, but also different - and each of us would need his/her own way of doing it, there's no "general guide for everybody" and even when you describe "the aims" (like "transformation into a butterfly"), it may be eye-opening for some, but it still may leave many clueless about "how to do it". You also describe "the way" a bit, but... only in rather metaphorical way - which I do not criticize at all (!), I'm just pointing out to the practical difficulties so that Cindy or other readers won't feel like... somehow "not smart enough to understand and to apply it" which would probably lead to just dismissing all of it like inapplicable. I would say that... it's probably applicable for most/many (?) of us, but we're so far from the goals that they may seem unachievable if presented like this. So... we would probably need to begin with some small steps to move forward. And with some help (including advises, which you mention as important, too). Yes; we need to be the main factor of our change, but I wouldn't say that everybody is able to be self-sufficient in such a complicated process. That's also why I suggested psychological help - as in practice, for most of us it's a therapist who can help with such transformations.

Now, Cindy, to the problem with talking in therapy:

But I will not know how to answer what she asks me because I'm not someone very communicative. I do not know to express myself. I'm afraid to make me want to cry, I am ashamed.

The problem about not being able to talk in therapy has been addressed many times on this forum (you may check some threads, it could be useful...). It's very common and it's definitely surmountable. And shame? Yes, shame is almost always present in the beginning of therapy and overcoming shame (which may take months or even years) is an important goal and also an important factor in building the relationship with the therapist and changing the relationship to yourself. (I know what I'm talking about also from my own experiences, BTW .)

You've been able to express yourself here, so you surely can write even more about yourself - and in the beginning, before being able to talk more, you can use your texts int therapy - give (or maybe read) them to the therapist to allow her to get a better picture of you.

You have already a good experience with a psychologist, which is a big advantage! Yes, it didn't help you to achieve big changes, but it's probably only because it wasn't long-lasting and thus it wasn't even deep enough.

That's all from me so far. Take care!

[LaLa]

Here is one of my posts about not being able to talk in therapy:

I have the same problem - I sometimes literally couldn't remember anything (I had wanted to talk about) during a session! Even this summer, when I was there almost 2 years after quitting therapy, I came with a fear that I wouldn't be able to talk and the first time we met, I really wasn't, besides some trivialities. I had to come again and overcome the fear of not being able to talk. The other thing is that often when I force myself to tell what I wanted to say, I sound "like in a robot mode" - like if the words didn't have meaning for me. But even that is much better than not talking at all! After some time and with his help, even emotions can (sometimes/often?) come and I begin to talk "normally". (I should probably use the past temps as I'm no longer in therapy. However, I'm sure it would be (almost?) the same even now if I was there.)

As far as I know from this forum, many people have problems with talking. But many (I suppose that most) of them succeeded to overcome it after some time.

One of the "hints" is that you have to build a trustful relationship with the T before you start to talk about the most important issues. So... don't let yourself stop by the fantasy that you would have to tell "everything" to "a stranger" in first... let's say 5-10 sessions. If you're lucky, after some time, the T isn't "a stranger" for you anymore and you feel differently about sharing intimate issues with him/her. (For instance, I came into therapy with a decision to avoid certain topics. I couldn't imagine that I would talk about them with anybody and I was sure I wouldn't. But after ~half a year, I did it, because it became, slowly, impossible not to talk about them, for me! Even then, it took me two whole sessions to "let it out of my mouth/head"! I could have written it to him as many other stuff, but I didn't want those words on a paper, so... I had to say them...)

Another big advantage, used also by several members here, is writing what you'd like to say, prior to the session. Then you can either read it there (which can be also very hard, but easier than trying to remember and find the "right" words) or, if your T agrees, let him/her the paper to read it there or at home.

There are always ways to overcome troubles in therapy. You just can't "know"/believe it until you're in the situation...

And here is, just for instance, a website a member here recently recommended as a help with overcoming shyness. I don't say being shy is your problem, it just occurred to me that maybe it's one of the sources of info that might me insightful to you: http://www.succeedsocially.com/index

[cindyhelen]

Hi Sedsed,

I also think that we should find a balance for everything.

But it is not always that we have control over things.

I have been trying hard enough to have control over it,

but always has that damn part of me that blind.

I would like to see a positive side in that I'm going through now.

So I sought help, I can not think alone.

Thanks a lot for the answers, everyone

[cindyhelen]

Shadow,

Being myself is something I do.

But it seems that deep down I do not like my way, and every friend I care,

I try to change to please them.

I'm not proud, I went back several times already when a friend of mine replaced

and then everything remained the same. So I'm a coward with friends ..

Hard not to talk about the past.

But as you said, the answers should be in the present.

I just need to take the tracks eyes and stop running from the truth.

I'm a coward, and I am the typical human who does not know what suffering is.

I agree, of course there are much bigger problems than mine.

And maybe I create "paranoia" around them.

Be all a figment of my mind coward.

I do not know what suffering means, but do not know how I call this feelings.

Really, dying seems like a great output. Because I do not have any fear of what comes

then, in fact, I am very curious.

As said, dying is inevitable and one day will happen.

But it would be so much better if we could choose when and how. Is not it?

And we can.

That's what the "voices" tell me, inside my head all the time.

I'm basically a larva which has no more life.

I do not live, I just breathe.

And even with so much dream to accomplish, there don't seem good reasons to chase.

Dying seems easier.

But when I think about this, I feel too selfish.

After all, even with the family of shit I have, it's not just my "suffering".

And I would not want to die blaming me.

The outside world scares me even, but if I want to live I have to learn

to face it.

I like the way creative and direct you wrote .

You say what I need to know.

I do not fight against my demons, because an hour they are all I have.

My boat floats in the dark, I don't know where he is going.

Cut the family with an ax, it reminded me of The Shining.

Thanks for your help, very much. It may seem that I do not want to help me

but even why I'm here. Even though I did not know to express myself, my conscious

're reminding me of the things you said all the time.

And it will help me support to "fly the nest without breaking the damn guy

on the ground and being eaten by ants".

Until life **** me again.

Lala,

I'll work more on it, to express myself. Not that I speak for itself, just to learn to speak what I feel.

Thank you, yes I will seek psychological help.

[Guest]

Control is a figment of the mind does anyone have control really? There will always be things out of our control but the things we do have a choice in we can change everything with just one move different. Just try for right now if it doesn't work out you always have killing yourself as a back up plan. Their is always at least a little positive side to everything. Just look for it, little things make me happy and I am almost grateful for them. For example buy a red bull before I have to go to work makes me happy, yes it's my money and I work like a dog all night, but I am glad red bull was created, because it's sometimes the only thing I look forward to all night. I like to believe that life can't be so bad forever it's impossible for everyday to be terrible, I live for the few days, for the few moments that I can enjoy no matter how little or short they are. Those times and those days will come again, I know it. As for being alone unfortunately I am a loner, but you can't forever be hidden no matter how uncomfortable being outside makes you, that I would know something about I don't believe I am pretty or very sociable but even I have to get out of the house sometime. If you don't go outside you will never find out the fun you could be missing out on... Make new friends you don't have to hang with old friends, and don't be afraid to be honest, if you lie about who you are then you aren't really you anymore and it will only make you more miserable.

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[Shadow Self]

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Awesome movie...

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[Shadow Self]

This is not a place for me, I'm moving on.

[LaLa]

Just a little comment on the post #16 here:

It's interesting how vividly you've described it. It's a detailed preview of your childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood, I presume. I think that there are people who will appreciate it as an insightful description that fits their experiences. But I also wonder how much you consider it generally valid or if you imagine it's very similar for most of us. Because using the "you" evokes, to me, the impression that you do.