HELP

[Horsewrek]

My T has been on vacation and I know what she expects of me on her return. I'm supposed to express my intense anger that she's been away so long. But this has me so anxious that I'm dreading the session. I deal with separation by omnipotent denial. It's like a pain drug for me. I can turn on the attitude of I couldn't care less. I feel safe not admitting anything. So my question is: Should I say I didn't miss her and be safe, or should I show the anger even tho anger is so hard to express?

[malign]

Maybe it's not all-or-nothing? You could say a little of how you felt about the vacation, and not necessarily even get to the anger; there could be loneliness or abandonment or some other feeling that also needs to be heard. And then see how it goes ...

You said elsewhere this is the only person (I'll add, so far) that you've been able to open up to. To me, it seems like this is an opportunity, if and only if you want it, to continue being open with her. Has she given you reasons to worry about openness before? Or are you more worried about driving her away? I'm sure she understands your anger, having had many clients before. Maybe it's a chance to find out that being angry doesn't cause the world to end (I know it can often feel like that, depending on what growing up was like ...)

[Horsewrek]

Thank you for your thoughts. I think it's all about driving her away. Maybe she will decide I'm a hopeless case because I still can't feel like I should. The defenses are still there. But I haven't been in therapy a whole year yet. I'm committed to it this time because no T has been able to reach my feelings before.