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I'm stuck


FlowFreak
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I don't think ever so hopelessly with something I can't even talk about, or I could, but there isn't any reason to talk about something no one can help you with.

I'm not in a good place in the now-The feelings and other things associated with the now are also associated with the then.

This sucks-but better than watching a cursor stuck on blink.

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I guess if no one can help, this is a waste. But you wouldn't have posted if there was, in fact, no way. That's my theory, anyway.

So, keep in mind that the feelings of now eventually yield to the feelings to come, whatever they are. Only you can make them different from the feelings of then, but you can, if you try.

Also, who's calling? [if and only if answering me helps you somehow.]

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi FlowFreak and Malign,

In my experience, when someone is feeling the way that you hint at, it has more to do with the way they are thinking than anything else. We can and we do think ourselves into bad places. We can use the past to justify it but it still comes down to how we think.

That is why I agree with Malign. Talking helps. Talking here helps. People can help you, me, any of us to think about things in ways that are new and better and more helpful.

I hope you answer Malign.

Allan

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When I was 5 sitting in kindergarten class..well it was the old gym (old part of the school) that was converted into kindergarten classes by not cubicles, but hand built wall units that would never reach the ceiling.

I appeared and I was sitting at a table alone watching all the other 5 yr olds play who were lined up in front of me. They were playing in the "kitchen" that was lined up on one of the wall units. I wanted to join them, but everything not directly in my vision was blurry, and the boy opening the freezer of the fridge nearest me was framed in the blurry fog but still hazy. I wanted to play, so I spoke, and no sound came out. I didn't know that was going to happen. I tried again, even though I felt afraid. There was no sound again, and I was terrified. No one knew, and no one heard.

So, your right Malign I wouldn't have posted. I agree with you and Allan. Talking helps.

Sometimes I feel trapped in wordlessness, so I have to take what I have and break it with whatever I can, and most of the time it doesn't make any sense, except to me.

I'm 38 yrs old now, but the now I am ashamed. I am ashamed I have let things become what they are I have let my life become what it is. I am ashamed I was so weak. I am ashamed I wasn't confident enough or I didn't assert more, but I've never felt like I had any control even if I did. I'm ashamed I needed love so bad I believed it I trusted blindly. I feel ashamed I avoided, approached, avoided, appoached with rebellion in between. Maybe it wasn't rebellion, but avoidance.

Why do I stay? I typed to you Malign, I erased, unsent, but I answered. I think of you..holiday's you just lost your mom that's tough. I don't think my dad who I am so very close to is to be around with me as long as I would like, which is forever, that I'm afraid is drawing nearer.

There are reasons I have forgotten, except for one...financial ruin. A long confusing mess of shit. Hopefully the last I have to sort through, break from. The worst because of the need for security/safety for me and my children. Tough.

Yes...talking helps or will or can..if only to keep me from trying to escape the pain, or to just not feel alone with a sense of doom lurking making me feel afraid and hopeless, and stuck. I wish I could just snap my fingers or make everything happen like the blink of the cursor.

Thanks for being here Malign and Allan

Edited by FlowFreak
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What good is shame? To me, all it does is tell you that you've violated some arbitrary standard that you hold. It doesn't even help you do something else next time, really, because it's about the past.

About all it's good for is self-torture. Heck, it's a kind of cerebral SI, in a way. Just the scars don't show on the outside.

That's why the "now you" doesn't deserve the shame she's getting. This one has the power to change; is changing, it seems. Is at least talking about what needs doing.

Financial ruin ... I worry about that, too, but I do have some earning power of my own. Is it possible for you to develop that, as a step towards your goal? You could make a case that you're trying to improve the finances, or something.

And all of this is too close to a mirror for me to trust that I'm not just projecting. But I need to say it to myself, too, so thank you, Flow (that's the way I think of you, not Freak) for making me say this out loud.

That wordlessness you speak of is the reason that I blog. The part of me that's good with words isn't so good with feelings, but if I force myself to write honestly, he has to say some part of them, at least. It sort of helps me with my re-training.

Pardon my rambling, but 1) I don't really have any certainty what the answers are, and 2) maybe I can help you break the word block. It was good to hear back from you.

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi Malign and FlowFreak,

Right on, Malign, I fully agree. :)

FlowFreak, we all have a past and all of us wish we could have done things differently. What happened happened and its in the past.

You really need cognitive behavioral therapy to help realize how your thinking is unealistic and leads you into depression. Malign is right: you are beating yourself. There are healthier and more realistic ways of thinking than what you are now doing. You believe that you are being realistic but, its not true.

You know, most of us can relate to being struck "voiceless or wordless." Why? It has a lot to do with trauma. This trauma is caused either by parents or other adults who were abusive in ways that were either physical, verbal or both. That is why most of us are here, at this site. We know about feeling struck suddenly without words, without a voice.

But, now you can find your voice. That is why talking helps. That is why you need cognitive behavioral therapy.

What do others think??

Allan:(

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I can't say what all I would like right now. It's been an emotionally tense week, and yesterday and other days ground is being broken in therapy..really broken, which is a good thing and a not so good thing at the same time. I've been doing some of both individual and marital, but not at the same time.

My phones have been ringing because IOU, and this is something I haven't had the chance to really bring up in therapies with all the other that's working, not really the financial part specifically, but where I have related from and why is getting more there, and this just happens to be one of those areas.

It's just soooo much. That's where my shame comes in wishing I could have done all those things I didn't do or whatever...I'm trying to know. I think I'm in the trenches.

I have to stop for now even though there is more I need to say, but I can't now, except to say thank you Malign and Allan for being here with me.

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"....I would think how words go straight up in a thin line, quick and harmless, and how terribly doing goes along the earth, clinging to it, so that after a while the two lines are too far apart for the same person to straddle from one to the other; and that sin and love and fear are just sounds that people who never sinned nor loved nor feared have for what they never had and cannot have until they forget the words." ~William Faulkner, character Addie Bundren in "As I Lay Dying" pp. 165-6

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