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xxsmartyy
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I guess I just need a push in the right direction..

I’m 21yrs old. And every normal child had an imaginary friend. I know I sure did.

Funny thing was, mine was my shadow. And lame enough, the name was shadow. Ha.

Now, I am 21 and from the time I first started noticing Shadow thru now, I still have her.

Though now she isn’t my shadow, she’s just there, I guess, in my head. There is no presence of her, she has no figure, no shape, no appearance, I just talk to her. And what causes me to worry is A. I’m 21 but B. I sometimes respond for her. Like I will ask myself something, and in my head she will respond for me, it’s my voice and I am the one doing it, but it’s like I believe she is really there.

On top of her though, my other concern was my paranoia. I have such paranoia. I constantly think others are doing me wrong. For example one night I had two friends bail on me, and I was convinced that both bailed on me to hang out with each other. Even though one still tells me to this day he was in jail and the other tells me she was home alone all night, I don’t believe it. I just can’t. I always believe the worst. If someone says they’ll call and they don’t. I assume it’s something against me. I never think it’s because they are busy or anything. People at work, if they are whispering to each other, it’s about me. Even people I don’t know, I assume everyone is speaking the worst of me. It seriously interferes with my life. I cannot control it. I have no control, once the thought occurs my life is controlled by that one thought.

And I guess I just need a push into the right direction, what is wrong with me…?

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Well I'm not a doctor, but I can relate to being overly sensitive. Like when your sense of self is all swollen and irritated, and any little comment or event fans the fires of inflamation.

I used to call myself the shadow eater! I had a sixth sense for people's unconscious motives, and when I walked in a room, that's what I would absorb from people, to the point of exhaustion. Others would be all laughing and enjoying their small talk, and I could see right through it to what was "really" going on, or so I thought.

I think what was happening for me was my mind was being hypervigilant so I could anticipate anything negative before it happened and be forewarned. The worst thing was to be caught off guard. My poor marining ego! I didn't know any better and I wore myself right out.

As for an imaginary friend, I have a friend with one and he is in his 50's. He had a very difficult childhood and is extra sensitive himself. I would never want his imaginary friend to go away-- it is the very best side of him.

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Hi smarty :P

I think thats really cool ... an imaginary friend thats your shadow. Imaginative.

Does your paranoia centre around any particular themes? ... I'm paranoid about woman thinking I'm so ugly that they can't even look at me. It gets so bad that I often live a life where I don't go out or do anything. I was wondering what thoughts the paranoia manifests.

Merry Christmas:D

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it doesnt really revolve around anything to be honest.

just anything.

i just feel like if something goes wrong, a friend doesnt show up for example, its not because something came up, its because they didn't want to see me in the first place.

or people talking in whispers, its about me.

the other night for example, went to visit a friend, we have a common ex, and all the way there, i was hesistant because I was convinced that he was there and they were going to hurt me.

My mind controls my thoughts to the point that i think everyone is against me, I mean its how it is to me. Everything goes wrong because everyone wants to hurt me.

Thats my theory.

Like Finding My Way mentioned, its like I expect the worst so I can't get hurt.

So I'm not caught off guard...

I don't know. It's seriously exhausting. And I'd give anything to get it out of my head, but I've been like this for so long, I don't even know a life without it...

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smarty, what does shadow say in those times when you're taken over with negative thinking?

silentmist, didn't you know it's men that are into the visual? Women are critical about how they look themselves, but when it comes to being attracted to a guy we are muuuuuch more interested in how the guy regards us personally and emotionally than what they look like. It's such a set up I tell ya! How does it ever come out right? :D Everybody's worrying about the wrong things. According to science, it's how we smell that clinches the deal. Not perfume, your individual smell. Have you heard that?

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finding my way...

usually the voice, which happens to be my voice, lol.

agrees with me.

but the voice doesnt talk so much, as she listens. i dont get very many responses, she just listens alot. but she knows what i am thinking when it comes to the paranoia and never disagrees that what i am thinking is wrong.

i made an appointment for the therapist on january 10th..

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Happy Holidays to you and shadow, smarty! Let us know how the therapy goes...

I appreciate the comment towards 'shadow' but its not necessary. shadow isnt a person of any sorts. so need to direct anything towards 'shadow'

its just a voice, my voice, in my head.

so please, for my sake, dont acknowledge 'shadow' like a person.

im sorry if that comes off rude, but thank you =]

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but i will surely keep posted once i start going to therapy =]

like today was annoying, this morning

i went to starbucks and always get soy chai no water.

well in my head once i got to my car i was asked 'why do you always get no water'

i responded, out loud 'if i had the money i'd get one and you could take the difference'

i didnt like that at all.

talking back to the voice.. this isnt supposed to be my life.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

well i messed up on that one.

i basically meant BESIDES all the stress about my mom, i'm doing good lol.

but i do have a question. i have this annoying habit where my hands have to be moving at all times.

i mean ill go to peoples desks at work to ask them a question and i'll pick up something off their desk subconciously because i need to doing something.

is there anything i can do about this??

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Hi xxsmartyy! Could this be you, do you feel that on the inside you are going 80 mph while on the outside the world is going maybe 40mph? Or, fidgety hands could be a nervous habit. Either way, I'd venture to say that your body requires an outlet for your extra energy. Is gum appropriate at work? Can you give yourself movement breaks to walk around? Sipping a sports bottle could help. Can you take the stairs sometimes?

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it's not like that at all.

it's not like chewing gum solves the problem.

my HANDS need to be doing something.

i sit there on calls at work and doodle, I talk to coworkers at their desks and my hands fidgit with random stuff.

Chewing gum won't help because it's not my hands.

Walking won't help because it's not my hands.

Sipping water doesn't help because it doesnt involve my hands really.

It's frustrating heh

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xxsmartyy, I hear you. Just let me tell you where I'm coming from. I work with kids who have to be busy with their hands, and it is from being overstimulated. The thing that works for them (and for adults) is to work the large muscles of the body (including the mouth) to send a message to the lower brain centers to regulate the entire system. I know it sounds weird, but it truly does work for some to fix fidgety hands by working the legs or mouth. I am not saying it will work for you, I just mentioned it in case it would.:D

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Guest ASchwartz

Hi xxsmartyy,

Did you go to a visit with the therapist and decide not to go back or is it that you never went? I was wondering why you said you would never go back? You know, you did say that you sometimes think in "paranoid" ways. Did you think that way about the therapist?

Smary, can you tell us more about yourself, ie: brothers, sisters, what it was like growing up, what was school like, etc?? Of course, answering is up to you but I was thinking that it could help us understand you better.

Allan:)

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IDK.

i can go into some detail.

i'm the youngest of five.. sorta..

i have a twin sister, but she's older by 5mins. when we were younger she'd treat me like i was 5yrs younger, not 5mins.

my parents are still together but for as long as i could remember, my dad wasnt around often, worked two jobs. leave before i woke up, come home after i was asleep.

he had a tendency to forget about me. would go buy dinner for the family and forget to buy food for me type thing.

i never trusted him. and because of this, i have a lot of trusting issues.

but i had a normal childhood. friends, etc etc. school was school i was just glad to graduate and finally get out of it.

and i never went to the therapist because i dont feel like being put in that position again.

i hated being on medication. i hated having them jot down notes about you. i just hate being hte center of attention.

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