is it luv or obsession?????

[roiisgurl]

3 in a half years ago i rushed in to a relationship that to my suprise would be worse than my previous marriage. just a month after i left my husband of 5 yrz i met my common law husband that i am still with today but like i have always said i dont know wut d hell i am still doin with him. i mean he was a drunk threw out my whole pregnancy never did he stay sober. his job only allows for him to be home for 10day n he works for20 no matter wut. for those 10 days that he was home he would drink n do drugs n treat me like shit. i mean he wanted for me to come out pregnant n when i did he was like that is not my baby. then he started sayin that i just got pregnant to get him for child support so all n all he was a complete asshole. the things that he has told me that have hurt me the most was when my mom passed away while i was pregnant in fact she was buried on my birthday so it was really hard for me n i needed a shoulder to cry on n i just need to feel loved by him is when he has the nerve to tell me that i was just jelous that he had parents n i didnt.:mad:wtf is that? i mean now he no longer drinks n has changed n some ways but now i act like a bitch with him cuz of the way he treated me he says he luvz me but i really dont think it is luv. i told him that he needs help cuz he does have a problem i mean he callz me like crazy if i dont answer he will call me till my phonez battery just dies. he has called my 2timez a minute for about an hour n a half (no joke). he is always askin wut i am wearin n who i am whith n wut am i gonna do n for wut? he is tooooo jelous. then comez the part where he buys me somethin then he throws it to my face that he bought it for me i mean that just pisses me off:mad:i mean yes he does take care of me n my gurls financially but that doesnt count if he alwayz throws it to my face.i mean if only he would get help maybe things would b a lil better the thing here is that his X cheated on him ALOT n with some of his family members n now he thinks that i will do the sam that is y he thinks that i am a real BITCH. he thinks that i have cheated on him n that i luv to talk to other guyz n i luv to do drugs n party Y cuz that is wut his X would do n now i have to pay d price. i am none of the above i mean i have 2 gurls that i luv with all my heart i mean i am a 22yr old mom n i am pretty mature n he is 26 yr old n he act like a kid sometimes but sadly n his eyes i am just a lil gurl. for a long time all we do is fight n i am tired of it n he says if i ever leave him he will kill me:eek: so u tell me is that luv like he says or obsession????????? yes i know d answer isnt luv i guess wut i am tryin to figure out is can our relationship can b saved? should b saved? is it worth it? is he worth it? i know that i need help too cuz most of the time i just want out n he knows it n this is the part when i know he needz help is when he has told me even if i cheat he wont leave me cuz i will b his till the end and when he is pissed he just says that he will kill me n the other person. i honestly dont think that either of us needs to go threw this n we both need help i at least admit it n he will never admit that. yes i know my answer i just dont know wut to do or wut to think ne more there is just a point when u r just so tired that u dont care ne more n i have been there for quite some time that i am tired of that. i have already took a very big step n that is gettin help(couseling) n i am gonna pray for the best cuz next year(2009) i will b a different person(hopefully).

Edited December 30, 2008 by roiisgurl

[malign]

rg, welcome. I hope you find what you're looking for, here.

You describe a guy who drinks, tries to control you, and tells you mean things about yourself for no reason. He even threatened to kill you.

So, personally, I think you've already answered your own question.

Maybe this sounds like I'm judging you, so I'll tell you a bit about myself. I married a woman with two kids, who are grown now and wouldn't miss me if I were gone, like yours would.

She calls me "shit" whenever she needs to, which is usually whenever I show a sign of doing something other than exactly what she wants.

The question isn't, "Is that wrong?"; of course it is. The question is, "Why do I put up with it?"

I think I realized, recently, that it's because I was already telling myself stuff like that, so when she started, it sounded familiar. And that's a hell of a thing.

Now I'm working on being my own purpose in life, on belonging to myself instead of to someone else.

[roiisgurl]

The question isn't, "Is that wrong?"; of course it is. The question is, "Why do I put up with it?"

I think I realized, recently, that it's because I was already telling myself stuff like that, so when she started, it sounded familiar. And that's a hell of a thing.

Now I'm working on being my own purpose in life, on belonging to myself instead of to someone else

yup i do know wut the answer is n just like u i ask my self wtf i am still doin here. i mean i know that i dont need to be goin threw this no one does. well i know i wasnt that clear on wut i wrote it was late n i was already tired but let me just add this part, he no longer drinks he was a drunk the first year of our relationship that was when i was pregnant. now d deal is that he has changed n sum ways n everyone thinks that we r d perfect couple but no one know wut he puts me threw. i mean i know i am a bitch with him to but he looked for it. i have told him over n over again for us to seperate cuz we dont need to hurt each other like this ne more. n again u said sumthing that i can relate to i mean i always say that i am livin my life for him n i am tired of that i tell him that i am gonna start livin for me not for anyone else. well thanx once again n yes i know my answer but sometimes i do feel like if i dont have a heart cuz he tries to b sweet n all lovey dovey n i just dont want it ne more. i have to admit he has done alot for me but lk i tell him he cant buy luv.

Edited December 30, 2008 by roiisgurl

[malign]

Do you have anyone who can support you, like a therapist, for instance?

You've obviously (I read the other post, too) been through a lot for one person. Do you have anyone to talk to? Someone outside, who can tell you, for instance, that your step-dad had no right to do what he did, that sending him to jail so that he couldn't do it to anyone else was much more important than that it made your mother unhappy, that no one has the right to trash you and call it love ...

Other than me, I mean. :-)

Because I'm just one person, and you won't believe it from just one.

But I can assure you, I'm not the only person who will tell you, you don't deserve what you have had. I think your purpose in life is to be the best "you" that you can be. Just raising your kids, even if you get angry at them sometimes (who doesn't?) is a huge purpose. One that no one can take away from you.

Personally, rg, I think that you're your own girl.

[roiisgurl]

well to be honset with u no i dont have n e one or should i say i didnt have neone cuz i am goin to start goin to therapy which is a big step for me n i am glad that i finaly decided to go. i guess no one will understand me cuz they have no gone threw it so they dont know how it feels to be so alone n always feelin guilty n angry n sad n d list goes on.

i am n will always be one of a kind i was born to stand out n that is wut i will do. even though i have no one supportin me.

well thanx for ur words cuz in my world they mean alot thanx:)

[malign]

Oh, I didn't say that no one understood you. True, you've been through stuff that I haven't, but that doesn't mean I don't ... well, at least feel for you, if not "understand". We've all been through stuff, it's just different stuff.

So, feeling guilty, sad, alone, angry ... I think we've all felt those, in different ways. You're not as alone as you think you are.

I'm glad that you're planning to see someone who's trained to deal with people's stuff, though. Lots of people can support you, but a therapist can actually offer ways to change things. Good luck with it.

[roiisgurl]

yes hopefully counseling will help me n thanx for ur words like i said they mean alot to me n my world. at this point i have alot of things goin on n my life i have already talked to my husband about me leavin then there is fightin for custody of my 2yr old n after that there is a whole list of problems. well for right now i am goin to give it my all when i go to coulseling n i am gonna find other ways to distract myself from all my problemz.

MALIGN

once again thax 4 ur words believe it or not that does put a smile on my face :)n a real smile at that cuz when i smile itz always a fake smile i have to force myself to smile most of the time.well like i said thanx

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

It's me again. Will av to stop meeting like this, were like passing ship's in the night?

First of all, you want to get yourself right! Wait till you've seen your Therapist first? I sound like a right Hypocrite! I've just answered one of your post and advised you to get the hell out of where you are, but I hadn't seen this post then?

See your Therapist and explain to him what has been going on. Like the abuse and the way your mum reacted, your husband's behavior, and the death of your mum and the guilt you are feeling over that! If anyone can help you, he can? Wait and see what he suggest you do?

Another thing I've noticed is that you've not mentioned whether you are on any medication or not, or if you've been diagnosed with any mental health illness? This would help a great deal if we knew about this information? Only, a diagnostic of an illness as such and medication that you are taking, could give us a clearer picture of what you're having to deal with?

There are a lot of us on this site that have been diagnosed with a mental health illness and take medication for it! Me included! I suffer from Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder) Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Insomnia, so your not on your own! We're all here to try and help one another by talking like you are about your problem's. By no means are we qualified Doctor's though! Only Mark and Allan that I know of, and there qualified in therapy and not a Physician, I think? don't quote me on that! I wouldn't like to be saying that there not qualified in this field when they are More than my life's worth! :eek:

[roiisgurl]

well i already went to my appointment today n it went pretty good i must say. well i am not on medication at d time nor have i been diagonsed just yet though back when i was 14 i was takein anxiety pills but they were takein from me because everyone thought that i tried killin myself n that is when everyone thought i was CrAzY. i have mentioned this to my therapist about the whole ordeal about every one thinkin that n she said that if she sees that medication would b the best option then that is wut she will give me but she says that she cant do that just yet. well wutever it is i just pray for the best. well paula i want to thank u for ur support i really do appreciate ur reply ur words really do mean alot to me n my world.

[paula]

I'm glad you went to see your Therapist today, you sound a lot more happier!

Your Therapist is probably trying to diagnose you first with the symptoms you have told her and going of the final prognosis.

I hope things start to go your way? Please keep me informed!

[roiisgurl]

hey i want to thank u 4 carein so much despite the fact that u dont even know me that makez me feel so good thank u n yes i will keep u updated.

well one thing that she told me was to write a letter to my mom of wut i wished to tell her n another to him . i have already started both of them but i havent finished she told me they could be as long as i wanted them to b n so far i already wrote a page.

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

hey i want to thank u 4 carein so much despite the fact that u dont even know me that makez me feel so good thank u n yes i will keep u updated.

We all care on this site, or I'd like to think we do?

[roiisgurl]

yes u r right in my part i must say that i do care as well. i am glad that i came across this site cuz i have found a way to express my feelings to some very kind people. while out here in d real world i just cant seem to express myself n d same way. well so far i am tryin out some techniques to start luvin myself in side out. like i said i hope to be a different person this year(meanin more positive n less angry).

[roiisgurl]

well my husband is comein home in a couple of dayz n i dont know wut to do. well i have been rather bitchy with him latley n i dont really know how to make things right. yes dispite the fact that he is a lil special(obsessive over me n our relationship) i would like to start d new year with no fights. it will be very hard but i will try my best. well my therapist told me to try n compliment him at least once a day for wut,well i am not too sure but if it will help ne i will do it, its worth a try. well plz i need some advise.

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

If this is what you want to make a go of it, could you not suggest to your husband that with it being a New Year, you would like to make a fresh start. If that means shutting away all the ghost in the closet, then be it so!

Explain that this has got to work on both sides by giving as well as taking? Tell him that you understand, that all he wants to do when he comes home is relax with you. But with the death of your mum among other issues like being abused by your step father, that in the bedroom department, you feel all anxious and stressed, and there is times when you just don't feel like sex. But that doesn't mean that it has got anything to do with him? That you need time to try and handle the situation, along with his patience!

Explain to him that your going to need his help on this, to try and save what bit of marriage you have left and also, to try and get yourself back to normal. Also, that you intend to go and see your Doctor about this and if he loves you like he said he does, then he will understand?

Obviously, being a fella, he is going to expect you to fulfill his sex demands in other ways, like foreplay. It's whether you can justify this and satisfy him enough?

I wish you luck!

[roiisgurl]

everyday after i post i cant wait to log back on cuz i know that u will always understand n give me advise:). i mean it from d bottom of my heart thanx for ur reply cuz i am not d type pf person that can sit down n talk to him with out gettin all mad n yellin Y cuz some timez i run out of things to say n that is my shield. i am gonna do exactly wut u said about him needin to understand where i am comein from. i mean i have talked about this n d past but like i said we always end up arguein but with ur words i doubt he will get all pissed cuz that sounds good n mature. i guess sometimez i do act a lil imature n all these things is wut i want to change this year. with ur help i am goin to be able to talk to him right i will mention everything that u have just said n pray 4 it to work out if it doesnt well then never again will i try.

well paula i want to thank u for everything once again i like that u take ur time to reply thanx like i have said n will always say ur words mean alot:)

[paula]

Awe Thanks Roiisgurl!

I'm glad someone appreciates my advise, it's just a pity that others didn't! That wasn't meant at you Roiisgurl, they know who it was meant for!

Only do what you feel best to do! I can understand your situation, honestly. But you have to do what's best for you and your children! Does that make sense? Deeeeerrrrr! You know what I mean!

Do what your heart tells you, and you can't go wrong!

Take him to the Doc's with you and then he will see that you are trying, I mean really trying!

I wish you all the best for the future friend, and you know where I am if ever you need me!

When you've got a bit of spare time, av a look at my profile page, you'll see some pics of me and my son on there, among all the other bits!

[roiisgurl]

well this time that my husband was home things were d same or maybe a lil worse i really wanted to ''TRY'' to work things out this time but that didnt happen. i just dont know wut i am doin here ne more. i mean its like neither of us wants this bullshit nemore but there yet we put up with it. i mean he is gettin tired of me n i have been tired of him for along time now. we have talked about counselin but he says that he dont need it only me WTF! i mean this is not a one way thing a relationship needs 2 to make it work but unfortunatly it has been 1 for a looooong time now. i guess my question is should i stay with him n try to make things work out or should i just leave him n go on with my life? PLZ i really do need some advise.

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

well this time that my husband was home things were d same or maybe a lil worse i really wanted to ''TRY'' to work things out this time but that didnt happen. i just dont know wut i am doin here ne more. i mean its like neither of us wants this bullshit nemore but there yet we put up with it. i mean he is gettin tired of me n i have been tired of him for along time now. we have talked about counselin but he says that he dont need it only me WTF! i mean this is not a one way thing a relationship needs 2 to make it work but unfortunatly it has been 1 for a looooong time now. i guess my question is should i stay with him n try to make things work out or should i just leave him n go on with my life? PLZ i really do need some advise.

Why put up with it? If you have been tired of him for a long time now, then I think it's about time you took the next step, don't you? I think you know what the next step is? Only you can take that!

Obviously, he's not doing much to try and save your relationship, and do you know why? Because you put up with it! You always have and always will, unless you make that next step?

If you want to stay with him then so be it, But by staying with him means that you accept him the way he is and get on with it! There is only you that can make that choice? We can only support you, no matter what choice you make! Its up to you to carry out whatever option you have chosen, we cannot do that for you! But no matter what you decide to do, you will always have your friends on this site here for you.

[roiisgurl]

"I think you know what the next step is? Only you can take that!"

thank u so much for ur reply:) well yes it is tru but i guess i am just not too sure if i should leave just yet. the thing here is i dont have ne where to go n i dont even work so......i just dont know wut to do just yet. i would luv to get my stuff n leave but where am i goin if there is nowhere to go?

"If you want to stay with him then so be it, But by staying with him means that you accept him the way he is and get on with it! There is only you that can make that choice?"

yes i know that if i stay i am just gonna have to accept shit the way it is n i am not like that if i dont like something i "TRY" to change it. i mean look at the drinkin problem he had it took a while but it happend:) n this case its been tooooo long if u ask me n i dont know if he will change. i guess i will just have to think a lil harder to either try n change him or to leave.

" But no matter what you decide to do, you will always have your friends on this site here for you."

thank u so much for ur support n like they say "we can milez apart but that doesnt matter cuz we r friends from d heart":)

Edited January 22, 2009 by roiisgurl

[paula]

Hi Roiisgurl

thank u so much for ur reply well yes it is tru but i guess i am just not too sure if i should leave just yet. the thing here is i dont have ne where to go n i dont even work so......i just dont know wut to do just yet. i would luv to get my stuff n leave but where am i goin if there is nowhere to go?

Have you not got a Social Services where you live? They would help you! Also, can you not claim state benefits to help you and your children? One thing to remember... You have got to be 100% sure that this is what you want... It's no good putting your children through all that if your going to go back with him...

yes i know that if i stay i am just gonna have to accept shit the way it is n i am not like that if i dont like something i "TRY" to change it. i mean look at the drinkin problem he had it took a while but it happend n this case its been tooooo long if u ask me n i dont know if he will change. i guess i will just have to think a lil harder to either try n change him or to leave.

You don't have to accept anything, remember that! I really think that you need to sit him down and tell him your views on this. Don't raise your voice, just talk civilised like Two grown up adults. Tell him how much this is stressing you out and he's got to give a bit instead of taking all the time, otherwise he may as well kiss your relationship goodbye?

thank u so much for ur support n like they say "we can milez apart but that doesnt matter cuz we r friends from d heart"

Awe thank you very much Roiisgurl, I really do appreciate that comment! By the way, if you don't mind me asking, what is your first real name?

[roiisgurl]

well....i am not to sure if they will help me with nething cuz i was gettin help from d government but i never did report that i was with him some hater did the job for me. so they took everything away. like i said i am just confused:confused: i have tried talkin to him but at this point its not about tryin its about actually doin it. i dont want to spend the rest of my life tryin to figure out if i made d right choice. well once again thanx for ur support:) oh bye d way my name is ErIcA:)

[roiisgurl]

well i know that it has been a while since i have logged on....but the thing now is that i just got married.....n i am not to happy about it:(

i have one too many problems that id rather not talk about right now....i just need to know how to live my married life without goin crazy or being depressed??????

[finding my way]

Wow, nice to hear from you, roiisgurl!! I am so sorry things are not going well. Would it help to write about it? How are you doing with coping techniques these days (exercise, meditation, journaling-- something you can do for you to help you feel better)?

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi Roiisgurl,

First, the fact is that love is an obsession. I hope that helps.

Second, I know you say you do not want to talk about it but what is happening in your marriage that is making you depressed and upset?

Allan