Taking Action (or Not)

[malign]

I'm exactly at the point in the Self-Help Guide here where you have to take action on your plan.

And I'm not. And I know this may be the only part you have to do completely alone, but I'm wondering if anyone has any input on HOW.

[finding my way]

Hi malign! When I clicked on your link, it led me to the first page of the whole book. I'm thinking you're somewhere further along? Which Chapter?

[malign]

Hi fmw,

I took a shortcut making the shortcut, sorry. This one is closer:

Taking Action.

And I was talking more about my location rather than the location in the document. Sorry I don't know how to make a link to my internal state. ;-)

[kaudio]

If you have a clear goal in mind, I think the next step would be to ask what the next physical, visible action is to to achieve it. Once you have determined the answer to the question, you move your body according to this next action to begin, and you refer back to your goal and the next action question until you achieve your goal.

[finding my way]

Well now, the example in that discussion is how to get your tool box back. I have the feeling from your other posts that your action plan is quite a bit more ambitious (like, totally changing your life as you now know it), so no wonder you are stuck on how to begin!! You could link us to your internal state by saying a bit more about what you are biting off, so to speak, if you want to share:p

[malign]

Well, since Friday, my plan has gone from a fairly detailed, positive one that I was just hesitant to implement, to simply keeping my head down and staying away from places where the impulse might be too much.

I feel like I'm already dead, I'm just walking around.

[Guest ASchwartz]

Hi malign,

It really does seem to me that you beat yourself up and in as many ways as you can think of. Now, it appears, that you have not found the plan for your lfie that you want or that you are not implementing it. What is your plan? What did you find in the self help book? Why are you so quick to give up?

Allan:confused:

[malign]

Well, the weekend full of active discouragement didn't help. ;-)

My plan involves leaving my wife:

1. Change the direct deposit so that I get to keep half my paycheck.

2. Open accounts and credit cards to allow me to have some finances.

3. Find a place to live.

4. Find transportation.

And I feel like I need to get through at least 3.) before my wife finds out, or I may be left vulnerable. That was enough to slow me down on Friday.

Then, we re-started "couple counseling" on Saturday. To my wife, this is basically where she helps me change into the man she wants, which of course I can't do alone. So forget any chance of me benefitting, since I can't be honest about things with her there.

On top of the regular litany of things I don't do right, that was enough to switch me from cautiously optimistic to barely holding on.

[finding my way]

I've been learning with mscat how triggers make me dysfunctional. Sounds like those therapy ssns might be a trigger for you. Maybe weekends too? Too much time together going round & round? Are weekdays better? If so, can you time accomplishing goals 1 or 2 for a weekday when there isn't so much focus on you at home to put you in a spin?

This has got to be such a difficult time (going through all this)...

[malign]

Well, it would be a difficult time, if I were actually doing anything! ;-)

[finding my way]

So is this the depression part talking? Maybe it's depression's role to shut you down from dangerous feelings. Trouble is you need some feeling to make decisions and do stuff, but maybe depression is indiscriminate and keeps you shut down from healthy impulses too. Then mania is indiscriminate in the opposite way, all impulses are OK? How can we get you back to center; feeling and able to discriminate between choices? If you're like me you've got to take those really difficult emotional topics in really small doses or they will take you over or shut you down. Btw, it's your sensitivity to stuff that makes you an interesting person. You just need a way to protect yourself from "too much" of it.

[malign]

Depression serves, in a way, to shut me down from dangerous actions, as well. Even though my occasional suicidal thoughts are the result of depression, when they get especially severe, I shut down completely: I spend the day in bed asleep. Almost as if it were an adaptive behavior, except I don't tend to eat or drink during those times.

I'm not that bad at the moment, but I am fairly expert at self-defeating.

Meh, even at center, I'm not all that adept at feeling.

Thanks for your support, fmw.

[finding my way]

Do you feel much when you are manic?

[malign]

I'm not necessarily aware of being manic, so as I've said before, I'm not certain of the bipolar diagnosis. Then again, maybe I wouldn't be aware.

I have had certain impulsive behaviors which some say represent mania, mostly running away impulses. During those times, I'm not really aware of what I'm feeling, but in some ways, my actions are pure feeling, no thought. I guess the hopeful thing is that the actions feel strongly self-protective, even when rationally, they may not be.