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I really need help and advice, I cheated, but we still love each other.


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I don't know where else to take this and I really need other opinions on this. I can't get therapy for some time so in the meantime here I am. My girlfriend of two years left state for five weeks and I cheated on her while she was gone. She is still gone. She found out. And as of right now she says she wants to fix it and still loves me, but she won't speak to me. She says she needs time and space. When I say she won't speak to me I mean, no contact, nothing. I really made a big mistake and I've contemplated drastic things if I can't repair the mess I've made. Does she still love me ? Is there really any hope? I don't understand the distance thing. Is she just trying to get rid of me without telling me?

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Hello, Breakingheart, welcome! :)

I see that you're feeling confused and scared because it's stressful; your relationship seems threatened. But doing any "drastic things" could, in my opinion, very likely only make it worse. I think there could be no "manual" about "what is the best thing to do" in your situation, but I can give you at least my personal opinion (perhaps you'll receive some better-ones (?)):

You're the one who made the mistake, it's up to your girlfriend to decide how much it matters to her and it's up to you to "accept the consequences". One of them is to make the "concession" and give her the time and space she needs for coping with this "news". Of course it's hard for you, too, but you can see your current suffering as a (part of?) "punishment" for your mistake.

Does she still love me? Is there really any hope?

I think what she wouldn't have any reason to lie to you and say "she wants to fix it and still loves you" if it wasn't true. Why would she? It wold be easier for her, too, to just break up with you if she wanted. Of course, she might eventually change her mind (/ her feelings might change), but that's always a possibility in every relationship, regardless of presence or absence of cheating.

Why wouldn't there be hope for you? Even if she told you right away she wanted to break up with you, there would be hope that she could change her mind and give your relationship a new chance.

I don't understand the distance thing.

Yes, different people have different coping strategies, you possibly wouldn't want the same in her place, but... try to be more empathetic and understanding. Perhaps you can imagine that if something hurt you unexpectedly, you felt betrayed by somebody you trusted, you wouldn't be able to let it be or work it out right away and you'd like to have some time to think, to adapt to the new situation, to find the best way to make the best of it, to go on with your life without much "damage", ... One needs to get used to a new situation, an unexpected news, ... And as in this case, you're the one who "created the problem", your presence or even talking with you would be a painful trigger/reminder of "a yet unprocessed pain". She doesn't want you to be a source / trigger of her pain (as she wants you as a partner!), so she first wants to process her pain herself and then, when it will hurt less, she'll be better prepared to "start over". That's at least what I suppose.

Is she just trying to get rid of me without telling me?

Nobody can guarantee you that she wants / thinks "this or that". But from what you've described, it doesn't sound she'd like to get rid of her.

I think you should respect her decision and give her the time she needs, not insisting on contact. But I also think it would be good to express - in a thoughtful way - your own feelings about the whole issue (what you did and why (-that's important, I think), what you thought about her reaction, how you feel now, what you'd like the future for you two to look like, and why is the relationship with her important for you). You can write it all down in a letter for her, then let it be for some time (few days?), then look at it again, possibly write it again, in a better way, ... and finally send it to her (I think that the classic mail, perhaps even your handwriting!, would be the best option - not e-mail) - not forgetting to start with expressing your respect to her wish not to communicate for some time - it might continue with something like "... Yet, I'm sending you this letter, hoping it's not a violation of this promise not to contact you, because you can read it whenever you'll feel ready to do it. I wrote it because I think it might be important and hopefully also helpful for you to know how I feel about it and about us."

Good luck!

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Guest ChinaDoll

Hello Breakingheart. :)

LaLa's advice is pretty much spot on. I agree with everything she wrote. That letter will show your girl that you're willing also to put in more effort in your relationship and mostly in this kind of circumstance, small reassurances of your love would go a long way. Just don't overdo it though. It may also stifle her if too much.

This relationship is hard on BOTH of you. Just try to remember that if you want your relationship to come out of this still intact.

I hope everything works out for you. :)

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I accidentally noticed this article - I recommend it to you:

http://blogs.psychce...n-have-affairs/

Some excerpts:

Men often wish to hold on to their marriage by trying to find in their partner what they are finding in the affair. Given they are not sharing what they feel or need, their partner has no idea that the rules have changed. What the man often misses (true also of women in affairs) is the fact that he is acting differently to this outside person in a way that he has not been able to do in his marriage.


    • In the aftermath of an affair and in the crisis of a potentially lost marriage, men need the benefit of support–be it a group, therapist or counselor– to self-reflect, to find the words, to examine his behavior, feelings, relationship with his spouse, his affair and his marriage.
    • The betrayed spouse needs support and help in dealing with the trauma of infidelity, the loss of trust, as well a reconsideration of her marriage, feelings, needs, sense of self and relationship with her partner.

If a man can find the feelings and words to engage with his partner in a process of apology and forgiveness,if he can speak and listen, reconsider the mutual rejection and anger, clarify the sexual needs and trust the love —he may well have a marriage he can speak about.
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