Am I a paedophile or is it my anxiety?

[Sabo105]

Hi, I'm going to keep this short but I need help so badly. I'm new to this forum because I just don't know where to turn to any more. Basically I'm scared that I might be turning into a paedophile and it's killing me inside.

So basically I will start at the beginning where all this started. Around half a year ago I started getting these feelings that I thought I was turning gay, thought I wasn't attracted to my girlfriend, thought I was turning insane and thought I was turning into a peadophile.

Anyway, a few months passed and it was totally messing me up, I for depressed and really wanted to and my life completely. I just couldn't cope. But I got help and now I'm on Fluoxetine and diagnosed with a form of OCD and currently waiting for counselling.

The worries in the past went away for a whole but now they're making a come back. Recently I've been masterbating a lot and I've been scared about turning into a pedo and sometimes it feels like something is trying to take over my mind. I them go onto go onto google and attempt to find "teen porn" as I'm going through images it feels like my mind is trying to make me hunt out child porn and it's fucking me up so bad. I don't look at children and think they're attractive at all and I'm so scared I'm turning into something I would hate to be. It's making me want to kill myself on a daily basis. HELP

[Resolute]

hi, sabo. welcome to the forum. sorry to hear about this, man. i can't imagine what you're going through.

i don't really have any useful advice...just hang in there.

take care.

[Sabo105]

Thank you dude, I just need help. This is killing me inside

[TooOld4This]

Sabo, don't start to punish yourself until you actually act on these feelings.

You didn't say whether you actually looked at porn depicting teens or children.

(It's worth noting that "teen porn" technically could include porn featuring 18-year-old or 19-year-old girls. Who are not minors.)

Only you know what you actually looked at, and you don't have to share those facts with us if you're not comfortable.

Moving ahead to the conclusion: instead of looking at a sort of video of yourself picking through Google results,

try to focus on each individual mouse click:

think of each mouse click as a decision (which it is). Focus on ONE MOUSE CLICK AT A TIME.

Before you click, stop for ten seconds (time it, if you need to!) and ask yourself,

"if i click that link, or that site, is it likely to have pictures of minors?"

If so, try to SUBSTITUTE: leave the room, turn on the TV/radio/Playstation/whatever.

That will give you enough time to make a good choice.

And a series of good choices, where you DIDN'T click, will give you a reason to not be ashamed of yourself.

It kind of goes without saying, that even adult porn will likely mess up your relationship with your girlfriend.

But that's a lower-priority issue at this point.

Anyone with better professional credentials than mine (i don't have any) is welcome to contradict me.

[Resolute]

i'll accept being politically incorrect on this one; who says that anyone under 18 is a minor? just because the "law" says so? wtf does the law know about anything? anyone who's reached puberty shouldn't be considered a minor.

mind you, i'm not encouraging porn, or anything of the sort; i'm not encouraging anything sexual with those under 18 either. just that the implications are great. i'd still recommend not breaking the law in these cases.

[LaLa]

Hello, Sabo, welcome!

I'm sorry I'm replying after such a (relatively) long time. I hope you'll come here again, keep posting, and mainly that you'll find some relief and help.

It's great that you've decided to get professional help! It's and important step. Although it's very sad that you have to wait (for how long?) for the counselling and all you have so far is a diagnosis and an antidepressant.

How does Fluoxetine work for you so far? Any improvement? As you surely know, it can take some weeks and, unfortunately, sometimes one has to try several meds before finding the right one...

Have you been suicidal also before taking the med? As you probably know, antidepressants have sometimes 'suicidal thoughts" as their side effects. Although the effect of the med couldn't explain it all, of course; there 's a lot in your mind involved... And that's also why psychotherapy (or counselling) is necessary: Your problems (OCD, ungrounded fear, ...) are due to "a chemical imbalance in your brain", but you can influence it a lot by "talking and thinking", by a strong healthy relationship - all with a professional who knows how to "use words and relationships" for the benefit of suffering people like you. I wish you to find a good therapist / counselor soon!

I don't look at children and think they're attractive at all and I'm so scared I'm turning into something I would hate to be. It's making me want to kill myself on a daily basis.

I read this like a description of OCD, not of something pointing to "you being a pedophile". Yes, some/many actual pedophiles are scared by their attractions / preferences and some/few are scared that they might "do something bad" because of them (others are confident they would never do it). So there are some similarities. But what seems most important to me here is that you are not a pedophile, you're only obsessed by the fear of becoming one, or, more generally, of becoming something you're not and you don't want to be. It sounds more like an identity issue to me, from the rational perspective. A fear of your unconsciousness, of the unknown in yourself that might one day manifest itself in a terrifying way. And you probably want to kill yourself only because you want to kill this "hidden evil" and because it's too painful to you to face all these fears and other symptoms (OCD, ...). That's why a therapy that would allow you to cope with the symptoms as well as to know yourself much better seems very important to me.

I wish you good luck and I'm looking forward to hearing from you again.