Yep. That's what I learned today. Relaxing yoga does more than drugs, which is the holy grail for me - something that does the trick without being a drug. I'm ridiculously tight though. Instructor came over to help me with one of the hamstring stretches and was surprised that I couldn't even get a normal range of motion.

Guess I really need a lot of yoga then. It's kind of embarrassing to see myself in the mirror and how ungraceful I am, but can only start where I am. I keep starting and flaking out though. Need to learn how to stick with it. Yoga is really expensive (even more than meds but maybe about even if I price in pdoc visits) and inconvenient in the time commitment, driving, and keeping track of a mat. Still I'd rather suffer the inconvenience in the short run than worry about my IQ dropping over time.

The other thing is there seem to be memories stored in my muscles. I started getting really vivid flashbacks during one of the back stretches about a certain time where it was the first full on beating I got after the divorce. I had done a good job of blocking that out up to now. Or I pretended it happened to my brother. I know there is more back there too and it scares the crap out of me which is why it seams easier to run away and deny it by denying everything. Maybe it's coming up because I'm finally feeling strong enough to deal with it. Maybe I'm just trying to find an excuse to drink.

If I drink I will get away from it, but it will still be there waiting for me. Then I will be older, weaker, and dumber but the problem will still be chasing me down. Yet I'm still wondering why even try. It's back to that word faith, trusting that I do have something to accomplish in the long run even though right now it seems like I'm just making myself old trying to work through my own pain which I didn't deserve. I've heard something like 90% of us come from dysfunctional homes so I don't think I'm unique. How come I can't get over it?