Its days like today that I wonder what the heck the universe is playing at. Its barely mid-day and yet already my mood swings have risen and fallen more times than I care to remember or even contimplate.

Tryina keep my head focused on possitive shit - coz well there is still a lot of possitives going on for me in recent months - yet somehow the negatives want to take hold of my world today - damn it all to hell.

My eldest (half [apparently]) sister, has been on a mega txt whinging expedition ALL bloody morning - and I have now switched off my mobile out of sheer frustration, only to have her e-mail me loads. She literally lives hundreds of miles away - Just WHAT is it exactly that she expects me to do?

I suppose Im probably expected to take the very next train down south and go sit with her - but ya know what I really just can NOT be assed. Shes having a bad day so my world has to stop - I DONT THINK SO. Not over something so trivial (to me at any rate) that quite honestly I really cant bring myself to give a shit.

Especially not after all the commotion of what happened last time I went down south. I really want to tell her to just SHUT THE FUCK UP and leave me alone coz I'm passed caring right the now. Heck shes managed well enough for the last 20 bloody years with out me in her life, without so much as a passing thought for me or my sis, so yeah I DONT CARE, if she is feeling a little blue today coz her friend hasnt the time to visit her. Sheezus, I even suggested that maybe she just visits another of her friends or go for a jog or something if shes tryna kill a little time - but Oh NO thats inconsiderate of me for even suggesting such a thing. And I just dont understand her coz she is in a different 'social class/standard' to me, BLOODY SNOB !!! So I dont talk all frigging 'La de Da' but I could if I wanted, I choose not too, coz I know that no-one is better than anyone in this life, and its always best to just be yourself. Sheeze is it truely any wonder I stopped listening to their BS after my sis died.

My head is totally fucked up where my siblings are concerned, to be fair their head is obviously pretty fucked up too, but on a whole different level. All us kids were messed up in various ways, and to different degrees. I should make allowances - I know that I should. Yet for some reason I JUST CANT bring myself to sympathise or empathise or really anything right now, they ALL piss me off too much and have been WAYYY to spiteful in recent weeks. I just have nothing to offer them, coz in my heart the hurt is too full all really to listen or take anymore of any of it.

I know none of the above probably makes sense, it does to me, there is just wayy too much history both recent and of long ago for any of it to be rational thinking. Part of me thinks, that when my siblings and I have contact, bits of our brain degresses to the way we thought when we were little, and our behaviour immatates that of which we knew back then. It honestly doesnt help the situation.

Up + down in a yo-yo world. Thats just negative shit from today. There have been some pretty darn cool possitives that have totally made me smile and warmed my heart too, the trick is to just try and concentrate my head on that, and with thoughts of good things and of people I care about and that care about me too..

Hopefully my afternoon will find a little balance - if not I may as well just go to bed, pull the covers over my head and switch off...... Sounds like a plan.

Goodnight All