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Im worthless

Andromeda

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I cant take this anymore. My life is mess. I need to feel secure in my life and to have somebody who makes me feel like this, but my mother and father just scream and I never feel safe. Im so tired of anxiety. My friends make me feel fine and happy, but it wont be for long, because its my last year in university. I just want not to feel so alone. I have problems with my health and I dont have money to do something. Its hard for me to find job,because I look shy and stupid. Im worthless. Im trying not to feel suicidal, but when I think where my life is going-its hard.



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Andromeda, no one knows where their life is going so don't be so hard on yourself.  You are young, you will have a degree and it's a big world out there.  You'll find your groove. The first step is to like and accept yourself.  Those are my thoughts!  Wishing you well. 

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That sounds like a distressful environment to live in, Andromeda. :( I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It does sound as though you are being very hard on yourself. 

Are there any healthcare options for you at university? 

Also, do you have any self-expressive outlets that ease your anxiety and help you to feel balanced?

Wishing you wellness and serenity.

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I'm very sorry you're in such a distress, A. :( .

And I'm also sorry your parents can't afford (or don't want!) a Master degree for you - you'd feel better having completed the full 5 years and the options for getting a job would be larger. *sigh* But this doesn't mean you can't find a job anyway! I think I can imagine how you feel about it - knowing that "everybody seeks highly motivated, positive, cheerful people" (as it often seems from advertisements for job positions) and you only feel depressed and have a distorted image of yourself because of how your parents (and later also classmates) have been treating you all your live. But... can you, in your thoughts, go back to the time when you were finishing high-school and felt afraid of university? I know; it was different, because you didn't face such (financial, mainly) uncertainty and big pressure "to choose a carrier" (a job) and you were looking forward to leave your terrible classmates, but... at the same time, there were some fears, insecurities, ... and a feeling of worthlessness. And how many times you thoughts you wouldn't make it, you wouldn't be able to pass an exam and finish your study? I remember many times. And what happened? Despite all the horrible conditions (emotional and verbal abuse by your parents and brother, bad living conditions, very sad events in your family, ...), you did it: You made good friends (had it seemed possible for you before university? No, but it proved to be possible!), you passed many exams very well and in general, you passed so far everything that was needed to stay at the university. So you did a much better job than you had expected to do. And you had much more pleasant experiences (I mean those with your friends) than you'd ever expected. Despite your self-image, your friends didn't leave you, didn't start to dislike you, ... they keep saying they are there for you. I know they plan to leave the country soon :( . But you may stay in e-mail (or also Skype) contact with them and - what's more important - you may also make some new friends. It might not be ideal, I know. It might be very difficult. :( But you can't know in advance that you won't succeed (with finding a job as well as friends). 

Have you already spoken to your friends about all this? I hope you'll find a good opportunity to do it. I hope sharing your fears with them, in person, will be more "soothing" than sharing it here with us. They may have their own fears about, for instance, going abroad, studying in a foreign language, ... They may enjoy sharing fears with you and have your support (while giving theirs to you) as well.

Take care! You're a much better person than you feel being and I wish you to see it, too, soon...

Hugs...

 

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Its not like they dont want to pay my master degeree, I will try to get master degree maybe not next year, but maybe after next year.(I hope so) I just dont feel right my parents to pay for it and I know my father works hard and I dont want to bother them. Its hard moment for everybody in my family, because we dont have enough money and master degree is more expensive.

I know that maybe Im too dramatic, but future dont seems good. Im trying to stay positive, but there is moments that Im just falling appart. I want to be more strong and Im pretending that everything with me is fine, but my facade sometimes dont work fine.

I will talk maybe with my friends about my fears, but that dont change things. I used to feel that I have people that care about me and now wil be more hard to be alone.

About the work I really dont feel like somebody who is capable to be good at work. Im feel insecure and Its pathetic I know, but Im little scared. Even my mom said that I will never find job, because Im strange and not like everybody. I dont care so much how I look and I dont look presentable. I dont know we will see.

Im just scared that I will fall in depression again an dont wnat to start self harm, like in school. Writing and taking photos helps a little not to feel depressed.

 

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Andromeda things can get better.  The first year after college a bad one for me. I was so down on myself I took a job as a security guard. Who goes to college to become a security guard?  But it was a stepping stone to retail which led to other things.  You can do it, don't over think it, give yourself permission to try new things and have fun w it. 

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Thank you, A., for the clarifications. I think now I understand more.

I'm sorry your mother is so very unsupportive and discouraging! I don't understand at all why she thinks that you don't look "presentable"! Sorry for saying it this way, but it's just bullshit. (For other readers: I've seen several photos ;) .) You don't even need to wear make-up to look good (I'm mentioning this only for the case if you don't usually wear it and she thinks it's "part of the problem")!

And then this: you're "strange and not like everybody", so you won't get a job! OMG! (Just BTW; how having such traumatizing parents could make someone "be like everybody else"!? ... If there was really such a thing like "everybody else", of course (as we are all unique in many ways).)  There are so many people who are visibly somehow different and I know many of them (handicapped, seriously mentally ill, ...) have it difficult, mainly in societies where "difference" is still seen mostly negatively or isn't appropriately accepted and integrated. But there are also many people who either succeed despite their "difference", or can even make advantage of it. And there surely are people who appeared "strange" because of their lack of self-confidence and perhaps other issues, but successively became more self-confident and improved their mental health and their appearance (/behaviour) lost its "awkwardness", excessive shyness, ... 

I see you may be different from the majority and you may be different also in some ways that make you feel much less self-confident. I don't "dismiss" your feelings. But I want to emphasize that it's to a certain extent up to you how much you let it influence your chances: If you focus on this and if you consider it a huge obstacle, it will make you act more shyly and "strangely" (and then feel so even more), so it will "gain power". If you try to focus on the rational ideas telling you that you're OK, you're "enough", you're not "inadequate", ... and you can succeed, although it may be harder for you than for some other people, then this attitude may help you to overcome the fears and not to become "frozen" or depressed / self-harming. 

You can tell yourself that people who won't hire you because they have prejudices about you based on some superficial impressions, wouldn't be good employers and it's better not to get a job from them. I know it's not easy to think this way when you badly need "any" job :( . But... don't "sell yourself short"; you may start with a work that doesn't need high education or that isn't very well paid, but this doesn't mean you should take/want "any" job. You may see this as one of your own conditions (= not theirs, imposed on you): You don't want a job related to people who wouldn't hire someone like you because of stupid prejudices ;) .

 

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P.S.: Sorry it's so huge here - it's not my choice.

 

Here is a transcript of a longer video:

http://www.theschooloflife.com/melbourne/blog/2014/07/how-we-end-up-marrying-the-wrong-person/

I recommend it not as much for the context of marriage as for the ideas about people in general - that each of us is "somehow strange / weird". I hope it (and the videos above) could make you feel less "odd".

Edited by LaLa

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Thank you for support :)

I was tired this week. My tooth is infected and I had to take antibiotic,but it made me really sick. I dont know how I will pay for this tooth. I had some problems with stomach and doctors think I have ulcer, but they arent sure for now. I know this problems arent so important and I need just to be strong and to stop complain about them, but I need to talk about them

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it's ok to complain andromeda. toothaches, stomachaches, financial problems, and so on, are all valid reasons for complaining.

anyway, i hope your stomach pain turns out to be less serious, and that your tooth situation is resolved.

take care, and keep posting.

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How are you, Andromeda?

I've been quite sad and angry about the system of public healthcare which doesn't allow people, like you, for instance, to get treatment because of money. One would expect it to be impossible at least in the EU. :(  Are you sure you don't have any options? Do all poor people in your country just suffer without help? ...

 

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And this may be interesting for you in the context of your anger issues and the relationship to your parents:

Quote

When therapists are quick to forgive parents their errors, and are quick to preach forgiveness, I am quick to say that I don’t trust them and I don’t want to refer clients to them.  To me, forgiving parents is not part of the healing process, no matter what the Dalai Lama or Eckhart Tolle or Mother Teresa might have said.  Yet so many therapists preach forgiveness.  Why?  Because they haven’t done much to heal their traumas and instead took on the mindset of their traumatizers.

Those who preach forgiving parents are really just preaching dissociation.  No one who has really gone into the depths of his or her childhood despair and rejection -- that ubiquitous childhood experience -- would expect or encourage forgiveness.  Instead they would respect the anger and sorrow and even rage that comes with breaking dissociation, moving through depression, and following the trail of grief.  Healing is hell, and there’s no way around it.  Often it entails breaking, and breaking deeply, from those who set up or even directly caused the trauma.  To touch upon an earlier subject, this is another reason why I tend to mistrust therapists who have children of their own.  So often when people have a child they are quick to realize how imperfect they themselves are as parents, and in so doing are quick to forgive the imperfections of their own parents.  This might sound healthy on the surface, but I have observed that it’s a lot easier for parents to forgive those who traumatized them than to look at the ways they are culpable of replicating those traumas on an innocent other whom they created.

http://www.madinamerica.com/2015/05/is-my-therapist-good-or-not/

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No in my country still psychotherapy is paid, because like they said psychologist is not real doctor and if I want to go to psychiatrist only one session is free. I guess people just suffer. Most people prefer to have something to eat than take care for mental health. Its sad that they have to choose between two important things. :(

I dont know Lala I still dont think that my parents have fault, because they didnt make my OCD and it was all my fault that I didnt cope with it and its not their fault that Im not good enough.

I felt suicidal these days at least at night and Its hard to stop feeling like this, but I had some nice days with friends.

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Well Im busy most of the time in university. I was sick last week with awful flu. I couldnt get out of bed, but Im fine now. I went to doctor about my stomach and he wants me to go for Esophagogastroduodenoscopy and Im a little scared and my mother scared my even more, because she said that this can cause me more problems :( My friends will come with me when or if I go, but Im still not sure. They even was little angry, because they said that I dont take care of my health. But they cant understand how I feel. All my problems wont go away so fast.

Other things are like always. I still have to pass some exams from last year, but I have to pay for them 25 euro. In my country thats a lot of money and Im not sure I will find them.

Im more inadequate on lactures and I still dont feel like I deserve to have good and normal things in life. I know this sounds stupid, but I dont feel it

 

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Health issues can be frightening. :( Would reading more about the procedure alleviate or increase your anxiety about it? Can you ask your doctor more questions and express your concerns? It's good you will have support when you go. I hope everything is okay and you feel better.

Do you enjoy any of the courses you are taking?

Wishing you well, Andromeda. It's good to hear from you.

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Thank you for your news, A.! :) 

I'm glad at least your flu is gone! 

My husband went to the esophagogastroduodenoscopy 5-times (when we were home, not here, in this country)! (He had no ulcers but some other problems.) As far I can tell thanks to him, it's not as bad as it seems to be. We know only about one thing that can make a difference: In the beginning, the doctor sprays you a spray in the throat so that you won't feel pain (or rather: you won't feel almost anything in your throat) during the procedure. But if he doesn't wait long enough (or perhaps if he doesn't use enough spray - but that didn't happened to my husband), then you may feel some pain or discomfort in the beginning. The spray needs some time (perhaps 2-3 minutes??) to begin to "function". (But even if it's a bit painful, it's not "that bad" (and it doesn't hurt in the stomach, BTW, just in the throat). Some pains a dentist can "cause" are certainly much stronger! ;)  ... Not to mention the ulcers themselves (which you're trying to diagnose and get rid of)...)

The procedure is really useful because there's no better way to find out what causes you the problems. Yes, there is also a (very expensive!...) breath-test for Helicobacter pylori, but that only tells you if you have the infection or not, while this test provides much more info. (For instance, my husband learned, among other things, that he had a tendency to vitamin B12 deficiency, because some of his "gut tissues" were damaged in a way that his absorption of B12 was low.)

I know it's scary to go for a medical procedure that is unpleasant and unknown (->one imagines it vividly as very awful...). I struggled with this, too (sorry, I won't provide details in this case ;) ... It's easier to write about one's husband ;-D!).  But in the end, besides the useful medical results/info, you may end feeling good about yourself (telling yourself "I did it!!! :) I was brave enough!")! 

If you have some questions about the procedure (for my husband), just ask (here or by e-mail).

So, don't listen to your mom. I know; everything may "turn badly" ( / "go bad"). Everything. But the chances for a esophagogastroduodenoscopy to make your problems worse are too small to be even considered!

 You're lucky that your friends want to go there with you :) . I'm very glad for you.

Good luck also with the exams and with finding the money to pay for them!! 

Take care!

 

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