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Joesmoe

Living in shame

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I'm sure everyone gets tired of seeing posts like this, but it's different when you're the one dealing with it. I'm a big guy at 6'1 and around 230lbs. I have big hands and big feet. I'm pretty muscular for someone who is almost 21. All these things wouldn't lead you to believe that I actually have a poorly endowed penis. My penis is 4 inches on a good day. It looks like a baby penis on me. I didn't realize I was small until I was 17 and a half. I've never had a girlfriend or actual relationship. The few sexual encounters I've had, while dating others, end terribly. I've never felt so much shame, embarrassment and anger in my life. It sucks. I've spent way too many hours googling and researching different things to help me. It doesn't help. It doesn't help that I still wake up with my little penis. It doesn't make the terrible moments that happened to me better. I've heard the "people that do that are shallow and mean" excuse, but let's be honest. It's not their fault for wanting a little more. I'm still a virgin and I don't see myself being sexually active for a long time. I can talk to girls and guys easily. I can't talk to a girl that I like because I feel like I'm leading them on for disappointment. I'm not happy with my small penis so I know that the girl wouldn't be. It's like you're setting them up. I know I'm small so I shouldn't be going out to find someone to feel let down because they're with a small guy again. I don't hate my life. I just feel lonely at times. I don't like find girls attractive anymore because the first thing that pops into my mind is  "look how nice they are and pretty" why would I try to make them accept me when I can't except myself? I replay my embarrassing moments from time to time and wonder if I should've apologized or let the girl know before hand. Everything is great and I'm awesome and all that, but then it's like boom and now I'm more of a friend and bye. I'm very quite about my sexual life because it doesn't exist and I'm embarrassed about it. I'm comfortable with everything else about me, but that. It's tough. It makes me laugh in disbelief that I'm just so small. It looks funny. It's funny until I realize everything in reality. I'm tired of always hearing it doesn't matter or you'll be liked because of the person you are. Sexual comparability is huge for a relationship. I can't be confident about a really small dick. I feel terrible, if a girl things I'm attractive. It's so misleading. I know this is all terrible and I shouldn't think like this. I promised I'd never be embarrassed like I have in past experiences. It's easier to just be alone. You just get days where it's really hard to push on. I can't even imagine being married or having kids. That all requires me to get over my penis. It's selfish though to like make someone deal with this. How's it fair to be in a relationship or married to someone who you can't satisfy? Yes, I can do a lot of other things, but it's not the same. That's like being in a really expensive sports car. You can sit in every seat, but you're not allowed to drive it. This just eats at me. I try to accept being alone, but it's hard. I just wish that like I could get over this. That I was average. It just looks so bad every time I see it. One look and you can just see. It makes me wonder if something went wrong during my development. It just sucks. Idk. I hate this. If you've read all of this, thanks for taking the time to do so. Sorry this was kinda long. 

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Welcome to the community, Joe.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I think that coming to a place of acceptance with yourself is a good way to begin healing.

I'm not sure what to say at the moment that might be helpful, but I want to offer my support. I'm here and listening.

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I feel your pain, believe me! as i am getting older, and more disabled physically and mentally i begin  to realize that all my life this has been a driving force pushing me away from not only sex but causing me to hide and reject intimacy from men and women and creating a depression and isolation that is difficult to even explain. I am diagnosed with severe depression ptsd, and still to this day cant even talk to my shrinks about this for sheer embarrassment. I guess i am lucky in one way, i never really had an envy issue, more of an admiration of other men and perhaps an unhealty obsession with the male body i would never have... Im sorry if this isnt helpful, it is just reality for me... For me though, i wish i had had the bravery to follow through with some of the oppourtunities i was too afraid of... My fears cost me dearly, intimacy, family due to mental issues, severe bipolar depression etc, ptsd etc... I wish you well... but by no means is their a magical fix for you or society's obsessions with perfection. 

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Your post was a concise summary of most people in the SPS forum, it's catch 22 at its most cruel. I know how you feel about not wanting to burden a potential partner with your issues, but ultimately that's a decision only they can make. But, as I'm sure you're aware SPS can be a cancer that eats your mind from the inside out and leaves you feeling like a husk of a man, but don't give up hope. In my teens/twenties I would never have expected to meet my wife and have kids, but life has a way of happening while you're not looking. Your sports car analogy is spot on to be fair, I've felt like that and it's an awful prospect. 

I only started to come around once I'd accepted myself and decided to have my own back. This wasn't permanent, I have to keep having my own back and remembering that I don't deserve to be in pain and suffering is just not worth the effort. As much as it pains you, the truth is you might just have to become very advanced in every other seat in the car, and unlike the analogy, you don't have to be a passenger in the relationship. You sound like a good guy, you don't deserve to be lonely, but if that's what's happening right now then so be it, just try to be a friend to yourself. If it was your child with a small penis, you'd love him regardless, you have to kind of accumulate that feeling towards yourself. 

But you're among friends here, keep the faith and just know you're not alone ☮

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