Now I am thinking of it, maybe some of you have in mind some relaxing and "don't give a #*#%" methods to share with me...

No one? Even from experience on how to built walls of self defence?

Sorry, Auto. I'm getting a little worried about offering advice so much, though, because I don't really know more than the next person.

How important is it to know whether your Dad is sick or not? You know that he causes you pain, and that it's normal to be angry if you're hurt. My concern is the idea that one-time therapy will fix anything. It's a long process to get over what our parents "taught" us as children ...

I'm sorry that their visit was unpleasant for you.

It is always unpleasant, for years and years.

I don't think that one visit to a therapist will solve my problems, but I have to talk to someone and hear something that explains all that, plus any advice I can get. And I need someone to tell me I am right, I need to hear that it's not my fault for the verbal abuse, I need to hear that I am not a loser, not fat, not have an attitude, not whatever... Enough is enough with the guilts they are passing me so many years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, if the therapists were free, I'd be an everyday member-that's for sure...

The thing is...even though I had a great childhood, for over 20 something years and as the time passes by, I don't recognize them. I mean, I always felt as a stranger "member" of this family, but sort of I am proud of it, cause that meant I had a heart and was not a sheep accepting that sick situations was "allright". I also now can see that my attitude that blocks me in my life, is not at all unrelievant to their attitude towards me, but it's fine, I don't blame them, I can heal it, it's just the past. The real problem comes with the fact that they don't leave me in peace in the present. If they did, I'd leave all the damage made, in the past. But now they mess with my psychology and when they see they ruined it, they say "oh, we love you and care and we are here for you", just a way to clear their place and feel ok. But what about my place? Did they ask me if I want them to be here? I DON'T cause they hurt me. In fact, now in my 31 years, I finally understand enough to say -without any fear or regret- that they HIT me (instead of just hurt me), even though they never never layed a hand on my body. I really can feel their strikes and the hell with their love! If this is love, I'd rather live and die alone. That would be happiness!

Oh Auto, that's easy: you're not at fault for verbal abuse you received. I know what it feels like ...

I'm glad you have a chance to get angry, here with me. We all need a place to do that.

Thank you malign. You know, he has accused us-the children-for using him. He has told us years ago to see what will do with finding a job cause he can't work anymore. I am not strong to manage, I need him as a backup, but I don't use him!!! I worked but I didn't go to university so things are not easy for me. It's a great accuse that no one can ignore, but I believe that if he didn't like work, he would have dismiss half of his clients and we could still live, or he could just say "I can't work more like that, but if you want me to keep supporting you psychological as long as financial I have to work half hours".

Now, what he does is...working as hell and blaming us. But we never asked him to. Whenever he asks me if I need money I say "no" and that goes for years... Only time I asked him something was 1-2 years ago for a pair of shoes and this year for the dentist. I mean... who is he kidding? He has depression and a slight alcohol problem (it used to be much worse). I don't know what caused what, but I can't take the blame anymore-sorry