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I just want to get it over with.



I hate myself, I hate the way my life has been a constant roller coaster, I hate everything about who I am. I feel miserable all the time, and wish I could be happy just for a few days, maybe it would make it all worth it again. If it weren't for my son, I would be curled up in my bed feeling sorry for myself and trying to figure out an effective way to end it all. I feel soo empty inside. I am completely numb and I am having a very difficult time pulling myself out of it. I went to speak with my therapist this morning, and we are going to start the tough stuff next week. She knows I am feeling like this, and is of course concerned. She also knows that it is because of my son that I haven't done anything yet. AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! The monster is waiting to pounce!! The only question is when?

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I hope you won't mind me throwing in my small change, here.

You see, I came here because I felt the same way you do, right now, or at least, a reasonable facsimile.

I thought I wanted to die. I looked at all my options, and for the life of me (literally), I couldn't see a single direction that I thought I could go. I knew I couldn't keep doing what I was doing. So I concluded that dying must be the only option. I used to fantasize ways and means; I even visited places I could do it, just to see how it felt.

Only I was wrong. In my case, and you'll have to decide on similarities and differences yourself, what I was trying to tell myself was that I had to change, that at least one, and in this case many, of my assumptions about what I couldn't do were wrong. In the end, you could sum up the entire lesson that I learned as: No matter how much suffering you think your life might be, your death is worse. And I was trading on that fact, trying to get myself to do something ...

There are lots of clich├ęs about suicide, so of course, I have my favorite: The good thing about suicide is you can always do it tomorrow.

Today is still worth a try.

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