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"Thinking" versus "Feeling"


Athena

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As I have struggled over the last year to find a permanent solution to my depression, I have finally figured something out. I am a "thinker", ie: a fact-finder, skeptic, problem solver etc. so every attempt I have made to get out of depression has been from that "thinking" mode, or a conscious effort to FORCE change. Such as:

- It's been lifelong so it must be a chemical imbalance - just find the right antidepressant.

- Somehow I just let negative thoughts get in there so just retrain my brain with CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy).

- Bury the rage and negative thoughts.

- Fake it til you make it.

- Blank the thoughts out with meditation.

- Rewire my brain with some kind of neuroplasticity exercises (ref - The Brain that Changes Itself - a mind-blowing book!)

- Use more appropriate wording and metaphors

- Ask the right questions and I'll get better answers

- Address the feelings that I cannot verbalize

It's all been useful stuff (except for the drugs, burying it and faking it), but these things only started working when I focused on the last one - the FEELINGS. That's where the real power of Psychotherapy comes in. Fortunately I felt its power in the first week, because the skeptic in me was only prepared to give my therapist a week to convince me it was worth it.

What happened was: I experienced a love that I had never felt before towards another person (my therapist). Feeling understood, heard, visible - without judgement, without feeling threatened, or abandoned, or belittled, or ignored, or blamed, or competed with. That's all it took! I just re-read the last couple of pages of Chisholm's Transference /Countertransference thread. What hit me is that she used the EXACT same word as I have just started to use. The idea of feeling ALIVE for the first time. All because of an intense LOVE towards another. The love ebbs and flows and changes its character but it's always there, and now I have the answer to what has been missing all my life, which neither my parents nor my dysfunctional relationships ever gave me. It's only been a couple of months but it is like the most powerful drug you can imagine.

I'm no longer the walking dead (OK I felt a little like that on the weekend, but now I am AWARE of it and was able to get rid of it today) that buries herself in work and a fake persona. Recently people have confided that I actually intimidated them because I "looked" so together. Now they know, it was all a construct! I tripped upon the term "the False Self" the other day. To me, it’s just another description of “the Walking Dead”. Yup - that was me. I'm glad I am able to use the past tense. I’m not totally out of the woods yet, but I know the direction to go in now. I have hope. I can re-build my life. I can start over and do it right this time.

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Good luck. I just had to pop in and comment on your comment in Sed's blog. Sorry if I'm confusing:o brain sometimes goes 1000000 mph. It's a blog spot it's for getting out stuff that's clogging the ole noggin.

Never worry bout taking over or pissing someone off. If they think you post too much or say something that offends they can tell you and then they can just ignore the rest of your blogs.

You are very helpful, insightful and just all around nice. Thought you would like to know that:D

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The methods you used... uh I agree with them. Especially meditation and positive thinking. Though they are opposite, they are both needed, I believe. I totally believe that you should leave your thoughts aside, give mind a rest, get it out of control, easy it down (meditation). But when you have to think, just choose the positive way. There is no true. My truth is your lie. It's all in the mind. So, if your mind has to involve, forbit it from playing the policeman and choose to think positive.

But all the above is just talking theories... I see you've found your way and that's nice! Love isn't it?

Can I propose something that will increase love? Love that comes from within and ends up inside (and out)?

Try some serious reiki healing. It helps you find calm and inner peace, like meditation, but it goes further. When I got a treatment, I also felt utter LOVE for several days after... Like I was totally loved and I wated to give love to anyone!

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Autognosy,

Thanks for your comments. I will have a look at reiki then. It sounds like it's on the right track too. Any key things to look for in a practitioner?

Re: your PS - The author is Dr. Norman Doidge.

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I'm happy to hear about your change! (I'm sorry I didn't see this blog sooner... :() It reminds me... once I posted here (I think it was in the thread Recommended reading in the Launge) the lyrics of the song "I'm alive" by The Hollies, with the comment that therapy made me feel right like this!

Yes, such a love is powerful... and as Mark (malign) and Luna once wrote on my blog, what we are supposed to take/learn from transference, is to love ourselfs - be as good to ourselfs as the therapist is to us... (you can read it - their formulations were better... - just accept my friend request and my blog will be accessible to you :))

L.

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