I don't feel so well
Thoughts are bouncing around in my head, forming feedback loops. For a while the suicide commands and negative message loops go away and I start to feel like great the meds are working now, but then I lapse back into it and I don't even notice it until I start to feel physical pain from the fact that sadness causes my chest to constrict in a weird way.
Seeing therapist tomorrow (talk therapy person, not pdoc)... So ashamed to be going in with things having gotten worse. I am running out of sessions with her too.
Thinking about suicide as an escape. I want to finish school but if the drugs make it too hard to graduate then I will have no reason to go on insofar as I left the workforce to go back to school and with a failed grad degree and two year gap in my resume, who would hire me.
I feel like such a drama queen for being this way when there are people in the world with much worse problems. But if that's the case why shouldn't I rid the world of myself and free up the oxygen for actual productive people? I just don't want to go to hell. I know it could be worse.
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