I have described my occupation over the last year as "Looking for Inspiration". I've been trying to find out what it is that I really want after a life of doing nothing but what others want me to do, which usually serves them quite well, but left me exhausted, depressed, feeling used, overwhelmed, in physical pain and feeling worthless because I couldn't count on anybody the way they could count on me.

Today I felt I got rewarded for looking. I just came back from watching my 9 year old daughter sing a solo in front of the whole school at a talent show they were doing. She was the ONLY one who sang a solo, and she sang it beautifully. She has been told by so many musical people that she has a lovely voice, perfect pitch and rhythm, and I know it too. However periodically I hear of various kids who say "you sing awful", or "I'm way better than you". I told her not to listen to people who say that, because they don't know what they are talking about and are just doing it to put her down, maybe so they can feel better about themselves. After all, wouldn't you listen to a talented musician before you listen to some snotty 9 year old boy?

I spoke from experience because every time I sang as a kid, my sister said, "stop singing, you're awful". For some reason, I let that override my concert pianist's mother's words, which were "you sing beautifully", and she should know, she tuned her grand piano once, so she has a pretty good ear. So I stopped singing.

In September, I had been laboring about how to develop my daughter's talent. Then one day, I heard a little girl on "America's Got Talent" called Jackie Evancho. She's around the same age as my daughter. She is absolutely amazing and she came in 2nd in the finals. I thought she deserved 1st. Anyway THAT inspired me. I finally took action. Within a week I enrolled my daughter in a choir that i somehow thought would be a good fit for her (I am hearing from various people that it is now the top children's choir in my city of over 5 million people.). The day I called was rehearsal night so they said we could come a half hour early and she could audition and if accepted could join in the rehearsal right after. It almost seemed like it was meant to be. They put her through a bunch of exercises and accepted her on the spot, complimenting her on her perfect pitch.

This past weekend she performed in the Christmas concert with her choir and it will be broadcast on the local TV network. I can see her confidence steadily building (she has had disturbing self esteem problems). I am so proud of her and I am so happy I had been "looking for inspiration".

Going back to the little girl who inspired me to take action, she in turn had been inspilred by watching "The Phantom of the Opera", which her Mom had taken her to a couple of years earlier. I kind of knew in my heart that a single inspiring event might have the possibility of changing EVERYTHING.

One of the things I discovered that I want for myself is to be a good mother and I just didn't feel like I was with two kids in therapy for emotional problems, one of them with serious tantrums, and myself with my own mental issues etc, etc.

I know there are other things I want to do with my life besides just being a good mother, I just haven't quite figured them out yet. So I continue to look for more inspiration.