I've been all over the map these past few days. Way up, way down. Kids for two weeks. That ought to drive me insane. I'm actually TALKING to my sister these days. Usually she's full of one liners. "You get to choose how you feel", "you get what you focus on", etc. Yah, I know, I know. Got all the CBT stuff down pat. Understand it completely on an INTELLECTUAL level. I've generally avoided talking to her about my more recent psychoanalytic therapy. She's a "know it all" and I figured she would not approve of spending years in therapy when you can just change your thought patterns.

She's a lot like my mother in some ways. When I was hopelessly depressed in my teens,K my Mom said, "Well dear, at least you have your health". When news got out in July what I did to myself, my sister called the cops. Gee thanks to both of you. Thanks for listening, thanks for being there, thanks for giving me a hug. NOT!

So I found out today, I was on suicide watch in my teens (ie: she's a risk, watch for signs). OK, (busted) that's nice, why the FUCK didn't you guys TALK to me. I thought none of you cared. Perhaps you didn't. It appears you just did some kind of obligatory "duty" or something. Or perhaps you didn't want to suffer the embarrassment of a close family member killing herself. Yah, she's got a problem, let's just keep this little secret to ourselves and observe. Why bother trying to actually HELP her, understand her, listen to her, talk to her. No, I guess that would have got too messy, or been too inconvenient to their wonderful lives or something.

So I didn't talk about any of that with my sister. Just simply agreed with her that perhaps I should talk to a few people who know what happened in my childhood before they all die of old age. Reminded me I had a twin that died in the womb. No wonder I've had an urge to ask my therapist if he believes in past lives. And why I sometimes feel like i've hurt people when there's no rational basis for it. Why I have recurring dreams that I've actually killed somebody that I don't quite know and wake up sweating, they seemed so damn real! And then the guilt remains after I've woken up. Lots to talk about when my therapist gets back from holidays.

I also have this annoying delayed reaction to things. When I asked a couple of weeks ago if he would ever consider giving me a hug if I came in an emotional wreck, he said no. Just his general policy. He asked how I felt about that. I basically I said that I half expected it. At the time I recall feeling some minor disappointment, but his reasons were valid, so I totally dismissed it and moved on. Now, I'm feeling so sad that I'll never get one from him or from anybody stronger than me, who loves me. To just be held, and told "It's OK, everything's going to be alright." and maybe help me figure out what I'm feeling because my emotions get so muddled up, perhaps to listen and empathize and be there for me. Maybe that can all be done without a physical hug, I don't know. Perhaps I'll ask him.

So i'm missing him terribly. I wasn't sure if i would. That's probably a good thing. It means I haven't completely crawled back into my shell. I get the feeling the next couple of weeks could be pretty revealing. I'll probably make a few calls and piece my history together. Strangely exciting yet depressing at the same time.