I think I want off the meds
I don't think I like meds for lifelong problems. I've now gained 6 lbs in 6 weeks on Cipralex/Escitalopram (OK - 2 of those over Christmas). When I looked up the fact sheet, it did not mention weight gain as a side effect. When I googled "Escitalopram and Weight gain", it turns out it commonly causes it!
I had been feeling more down, more lethargic, less willing to exercise or get up early once I got up to 15 mg a couple of weeks ago. I also feel like it's just making me apathetic, like whatever life I may have had in me is being totally drained out of me. I have almost no motivation to do anything right now, especially important things, or things that I 'should' enjoy. I also read about how SSRIs can cloud your judgement, make you "not care" about stuff, make you say things like "whatever" a lot to things that would normally matter to you. So the house is in an even worse mess than it usually is. This is not going in the right direction.
So given that I struggle knowing what 'I' even want/need because I've been so preoccupied with what others want/need, I think this drug is a bad thing for me. I think I actually prefer FEELING, even if it's emotional pain. And weight gain is NOT a good thing for me. I had eating disorders as a teen. I'm not going back there. Plus I feel like crap with only 6 extra pounds.
It's strange, I took the drug so I would feel less anxious, not fly into rages (I still somehow manage to do that). But I think the underlying cause of my anxiety/frustration/rage is the fact that I have no energy or motivation or 'life force' and never have. It's weird how I can have lots of energy to fly into a rage, but no energy to actually do something useful! That has caused so many lifelong problems for me that have turned into several crises at the moment.
Well, I think I've just talked myself into forgetting about meds and just doing therapy on its own. I'm beginning to agree with my therapist that meds can 'taint' the process. Now he's got to figure out which problems are caused by the meds, and which are 'mine'. I don't need the extra confusion. I can't stand another week on this drug so I can't wait for a Dr's appt with my GP, who prescribed it on advice from a one-off visit to a mental health clinic doctor. Think I'll go down to 10 mg until I see him and give me a 'wean off' supply if I need it....
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