I'm a little calmer now (compared to my "It's been a while thread, probably in the SI forum). Of course it's not bedtime yet, so we'll see how long it lasts. Anyway I finally took some decisive action. The mediator is driving me insane. And I can't find the complaint form I printed off. So today, I just started writing up my list of complaints against her. I would dearly love to see her lose her license for being so blatantly biased in favour of my ex while browbeating me to death. I think I'll take it to my therapist tomorrow to see what he thinks. I have a history of things backfiring on me, so I want a rational person's input.

Also yesterday, or maybe the day before, I wrote my lawyer for an update on a court scenario. My ex is finally working in a real for pay job now, after a 7 year hiatus from earning an income. He has constantly threatened to get out of mediation and go to court, in order to blackmail me into giving me what he wants in the mediation setup so he can save court costs. That means threatening to force me to pay him spousal support and 100% of kids' expenses until they are out of University. He was able to get away with this because when it all started I appeared to "look too good on paper" and because the mediator did not hold him to account for his lack of contribution in time or money to the family, and condoned his continued laziness.

Since then, I've gone on disability, made one suicide attempt, which has since turned into an unfortunate habit of cutting (never heard of that til it happened to me), lost my disability income but not my eligibility, seen 7 pain management experts, been on 3 different antidepressants, been locked in a mental health facility 3 times, and seen 7 or so mental health professionals on top of that. I am virtually unemployable for the foreseeable future and can't go back to my former role because I have no client base anymore which took me 17 years to build.

So I'd say the tables have turned. Along with my request for an update from my lawyer, I asked about the possibility of claiming spousal support from my ex, as he has threatened against me. That ought to throw him for a loop. Anyway, I'm feeling like perhaps the victim is being told to shut up for a while and somebody new is taking over. I only hope it works! At least I don't feel so utterly manipulated and controlled beyond hope. My future might actually entail something besides a lifetime of slavery to a MotherF---ing Narcissist.