Sedsed,

Thanks for your perspective on this. My daughters both have huge abandonment issues, and I know that we are both to blame for them. Their father, because he's never been there for them. Myself because of the things I say to them when they start acting like their father. I can totally see how they may think I don't want them. It is not even their place to love me, it is the other way around. It starts with me and I only too painfully know that. That's why I tell them every day that I love them and miss them and am working on getting them back, which I am. I don't know who is ultimately right - Children's Aid - who says they need a break from me while I'm in this panic stricken state, and then they'll simply come back when I feel better and everything will be all right. Or me, who says they need their mother, for better or for worse, as we all try to figure this out together because distance only severs the bond and it may never be recovered again.

I am not suicidal at the moment. When I am I am tormented by the thought of how much pain and suffering and guilt I would cause them for a lifetime, then I start writing them a note to make them feel better after the fact and absolutely nothing I write comes close to being acceptable as I know it won't help them - they probably wouldn't even get to read it. That's when I have this gut-wrenching back and forth feeling - indecision. The child in me desperately wanting an easy way out but the mother in me saying - THERE ISN'T ONE! Anyway the child has always lost her battles so I suppose she'll lose this one too - perhaps this is the only battle worth losing. But she has to win a few other battles and feel loved, listened to, understood, wanted and cared about before she can grow up and stop going ballistic every time she is threatened. This is the tricky part.

Thanks for your input. I don't know if I'm always getting the truth out of my girls. They don't want to hurt either one of us and they are so confused right now. I tell them it's OK to love their Dad. Their therapist would agree with you. I am so hoping this doesn't stretch beyond a couple of weeks. My 9 year old hasn't practiced her choral songs since she's been with her Dad. She needs reminders and he's just in his own little world so totally forgets what's important to them. He's already complaining about having to work and do all the kids chaffeuring and stuff. Welcome to a modern mother's world! He hasn't even had to discuss/plan/schedule/pay for any activities yet for them. Anyway it's his fault he's having to be a full time parent right now. Doesn't exactly sound like he wants them, does it? In a way, it's kind of a good thing since I want them back and I'm less afraid now that he'll threaten sole custody (ie: with him 100% of the time). I'm OK with joint custody since they say they still love him and they say he hasn't hit them recently. I think it's time to have Children's Aid check up on him however. I need to know how he's treating them.

Again thanks so much, it is so wonderful to have your perspective on this, Sedsed. And I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Unfortunately this kind of SH-T gets passed down generation after generation. I am determined to break the cycle for my kids.