An Up and Down Day
Started the day a little more clear headed than usual. Did my workout on an empty stomach (well, just a cup of liquid greens) because my indigestion has been so bad lately. Had a "metabolic workout" today. Apparently gets your metabolism going. Well, so far 12 hours later it is still not working. I feel like my heart is in my throat.
Had a better session with my therapist today. I seemed to be able to articulate things a little better. Of course we were discussing the "man on the couch" from a couple of blogs ago so that made it a bit easier. Went over a letter that he's going to send to the insurance provider for my disability income. He still didn't put a diagnosis down but stated things very clearly and concisely and explained to them why their request for complete clinical notes may not be so helpful unless they are Psychoanalysts.
Then things go off the rails....Got home and had to deal with my portion of disability claim plus more legal headaches plus calling my kids on the phone just to maintain contact - I tell both my girls I love them every day. My 9 year old has stopped saying it back. Today, after I said it she just said, "OK, I'll pass you over to Daddy". Ouch:( I told my brother I just feel them slipping away. He says no, they love me, why would they want to spend 100% of their time with a father who used to hit and still threatens to hit them whenever they act up? Because when he's not doing that, he must be such a fun guy - he has no worries - lived off me for 5 years, lots of fun activities and holidays paid for by his wife, maybe gets that for far more years into the future plus won't have to help fund their activities, and well, basically their life. I've already lost more than half my savings to him, forget retirement now, I don't want to live that long anyway. And as long as he keeps threatening to ruin my future, he knows he retains custody of the kids.
Weird justice - mother's ability to live gets threatened by the father, mother goes ballistic, mother loses kids, Children's Aid gives the kids to a guy who has and continues to threaten to hit them on a daily basis, knowingly causes them emotional suffering and wants to screw them out of their future!
This is all just too much for me. I didn't want to take an anti-anxiety med tonight but now I have to. I got slotted in for the Naturopath appt I booked 6 months ago (that got cancelled on me on snow day) on a cancellation for tomorrow so I didn't want a lot of extra chemicals floating around in my blood. Anyway, it's a good time for the appointment as I feel just about as unhealthy as I ever feel in spite of eating rather healthily. I swear if I was 10 pounds heavier, I'd have had a heart attack from all the stress induced toxicity in my body. Maybe I should just put myself out of my misery - suicide might simply entail nothing other than eating at McDonalds tomorrow! Damn, now I have a headache. Time for bed.
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