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An Up and Down Day


Athena

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Started the day a little more clear headed than usual. Did my workout on an empty stomach (well, just a cup of liquid greens) because my indigestion has been so bad lately. Had a "metabolic workout" today. Apparently gets your metabolism going. Well, so far 12 hours later it is still not working. I feel like my heart is in my throat.

Had a better session with my therapist today. I seemed to be able to articulate things a little better. Of course we were discussing the "man on the couch" from a couple of blogs ago so that made it a bit easier. Went over a letter that he's going to send to the insurance provider for my disability income. He still didn't put a diagnosis down but stated things very clearly and concisely and explained to them why their request for complete clinical notes may not be so helpful unless they are Psychoanalysts.

Then things go off the rails....Got home and had to deal with my portion of disability claim plus more legal headaches plus calling my kids on the phone just to maintain contact - I tell both my girls I love them every day. My 9 year old has stopped saying it back. Today, after I said it she just said, "OK, I'll pass you over to Daddy". Ouch:( I told my brother I just feel them slipping away. He says no, they love me, why would they want to spend 100% of their time with a father who used to hit and still threatens to hit them whenever they act up? Because when he's not doing that, he must be such a fun guy - he has no worries - lived off me for 5 years, lots of fun activities and holidays paid for by his wife, maybe gets that for far more years into the future plus won't have to help fund their activities, and well, basically their life. I've already lost more than half my savings to him, forget retirement now, I don't want to live that long anyway. And as long as he keeps threatening to ruin my future, he knows he retains custody of the kids.

Weird justice - mother's ability to live gets threatened by the father, mother goes ballistic, mother loses kids, Children's Aid gives the kids to a guy who has and continues to threaten to hit them on a daily basis, knowingly causes them emotional suffering and wants to screw them out of their future!

This is all just too much for me. I didn't want to take an anti-anxiety med tonight but now I have to. I got slotted in for the Naturopath appt I booked 6 months ago (that got cancelled on me on snow day) on a cancellation for tomorrow so I didn't want a lot of extra chemicals floating around in my blood. Anyway, it's a good time for the appointment as I feel just about as unhealthy as I ever feel in spite of eating rather healthily. I swear if I was 10 pounds heavier, I'd have had a heart attack from all the stress induced toxicity in my body. Maybe I should just put myself out of my misery - suicide might simply entail nothing other than eating at McDonalds tomorrow! Damn, now I have a headache. Time for bed.

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Sedsed,

Thanks for your perspective on this. My daughters both have huge abandonment issues, and I know that we are both to blame for them. Their father, because he's never been there for them. Myself because of the things I say to them when they start acting like their father. I can totally see how they may think I don't want them. It is not even their place to love me, it is the other way around. It starts with me and I only too painfully know that. That's why I tell them every day that I love them and miss them and am working on getting them back, which I am. I don't know who is ultimately right - Children's Aid - who says they need a break from me while I'm in this panic stricken state, and then they'll simply come back when I feel better and everything will be all right. Or me, who says they need their mother, for better or for worse, as we all try to figure this out together because distance only severs the bond and it may never be recovered again.

I am not suicidal at the moment. When I am I am tormented by the thought of how much pain and suffering and guilt I would cause them for a lifetime, then I start writing them a note to make them feel better after the fact and absolutely nothing I write comes close to being acceptable as I know it won't help them - they probably wouldn't even get to read it. That's when I have this gut-wrenching back and forth feeling - indecision. The child in me desperately wanting an easy way out but the mother in me saying - THERE ISN'T ONE! Anyway the child has always lost her battles so I suppose she'll lose this one too - perhaps this is the only battle worth losing. But she has to win a few other battles and feel loved, listened to, understood, wanted and cared about before she can grow up and stop going ballistic every time she is threatened. This is the tricky part.

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Thanks for your input. I don't know if I'm always getting the truth out of my girls. They don't want to hurt either one of us and they are so confused right now. I tell them it's OK to love their Dad. Their therapist would agree with you. I am so hoping this doesn't stretch beyond a couple of weeks. My 9 year old hasn't practiced her choral songs since she's been with her Dad. She needs reminders and he's just in his own little world so totally forgets what's important to them. He's already complaining about having to work and do all the kids chaffeuring and stuff. Welcome to a modern mother's world! He hasn't even had to discuss/plan/schedule/pay for any activities yet for them. Anyway it's his fault he's having to be a full time parent right now. Doesn't exactly sound like he wants them, does it? In a way, it's kind of a good thing since I want them back and I'm less afraid now that he'll threaten sole custody (ie: with him 100% of the time). I'm OK with joint custody since they say they still love him and they say he hasn't hit them recently. I think it's time to have Children's Aid check up on him however. I need to know how he's treating them.

Again thanks so much, it is so wonderful to have your perspective on this, Sedsed. And I'm so sorry you had to go through all that. Unfortunately this kind of SH-T gets passed down generation after generation. I am determined to break the cycle for my kids.

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