So I had the "kids interests" meeting today with their therapist, Children's Aid, their Dad, my sister and her husband and myself. It was set up by Children's Aid. They know I won't get better with their Dad continuing to threaten and manipulate me. Perhaps it's the first time their Dad has seen what he's done to my girls by dragging the divorce out for three years. All because he wants more than half and I refuse to give in. I already gave, I got tired of supporting him. Giving in means a life of slavery and continued hell. That would be just as bad as continuing to be married to him. I could have saved on legal bills. He's highly employable, he just didn't want to work. Finally got a job last fall. But that can change in a flash. He gets bored easily, decides he wants more time off, decides it would be nice to live off me, then he just quits. That's the cycle. The only reason we aren't bankrupt is that I kept working right through having two kids. Even got a god-damned breast feeding pillow that would strap onto me so I could walk around feeding the baby while I worked from home. And my reward for supporting the family? Continued manipulation, abuse and threats to live off me, all condoned by the Canadian family law act. INSANITY:mad:!

So, the meeting for the kids was to determine where they will be best off emotionally until we get the divorce settled. Well, how emotionally stable do you think somebody living in my circumstances would be? NOT VERY. And everybody in the room basically reiterated that. And they all kept saying, "Just leave the past in the past". That just proves they don't get it. Their Dad wants the cushy past to continue into the future. Like somebody saying to a rape victim, "Forget what happened to you, it's in the past" but then enabling the rapist to continue to do the dirty deed to you. How the hell can you leave that in the past? I'd dearly love to leave it in the past, but their Dad just won't let me.

So anyway towards the end of the meeting I kept hearing, "Mum needs a break, she needs less time with the kids, they're too overwhelming for her." They started putting some more concrete ideas together in terms of how many days a week, what kind of schedule etc. It all started to sound pretty pre-ordained. Guess they wanted to pretend to get my "buy-in". Anyway, as of today, I'm now down to two days a week with them until the end of the school year. Their Dad has agreed to sign something to the effect that this has NOTHING to do with permanent custody. But I fear it will be devastating for my girls and I. I held it together until the girls' bedtime, then I started reading a story to my 6 year old about a mermaid who finds a star that fell into the ocean and keeps it for herself until she realizes it's not happy there. It shines a little less every day. She throws it back into the sky, giving it its freedom and it shines brightly once again. How I wish to be set free. I just totally broke down after that. I'm losing a little light every single day. And there's less light to share with my girls and I fear it is just going to go out altogether. I cry when I think about them spending so much time with such an abusive, threatening, narcissistic man. But he's considered more "emotionally stable". Yah, that's because he hits them, or threatens to. That keeps them in line, because they're afraid of him. Yes, let's give the kids to the parent who rules by fear:mad::eek: and threatens to ruin the other parent. Sheer insanity, like I'm living in a topsy turvy world. Nothing makes sense.

So I dread next week's meeting. It is to talk about the money. I wonder what has been decided behind my back on that front. Why not just give him everything he wants, let her do herself in, and everybody's happy?