I have always disliked sleep. I have never avoided it, just never liked it and felt it a waste of time.

In the early middle of my depression around 2003-2004 or so I had insomnia from anxiety. I struggled through it and learned to manage it quite well. My skills are failing now. I follow the rules but the situation is too much and my mind and body don't cooperate.

Last night a few times I felt drowsy, but I didn't get to even try to sleep before it vanished. After awhile I was strangely clear of mind and more unusually calm of mind. I was calm and I was not sad. I felt something akin to being happy. I was numb, but in comparison i was happy. My mind still reached for the same thoughts but at a slow relaxed pace. I talked to my son in a calm relaxed way and it was nice.

It stuck me that this is the state my (x-)girlfriend is in or something like it. A state where the pain goes away and the only word to describe it is happy. If so I understand more or maybe more clearly.

I have slept a few hours and now am awake again and that state is gone. I have not gone through any waves of sadness yet, but the maelstrom thought is back and my body aches. Not aches that most people have, but my fybromyalgia pain. The medication I am on all but eliminates the symptoms except under extreme depression or lack of sleep. Needless to day for the past few days I have been achy.

Anyway I am not here to express the pain so much as to use it to reflect on the difference between my current norm and last night and I have no idea why.

I guess I just want to share, to express and to talk.