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Sleep


Waiting

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I have always disliked sleep. I have never avoided it, just never liked it and felt it a waste of time.

In the early middle of my depression around 2003-2004 or so I had insomnia from anxiety. I struggled through it and learned to manage it quite well. My skills are failing now. I follow the rules but the situation is too much and my mind and body don't cooperate.

Last night a few times I felt drowsy, but I didn't get to even try to sleep before it vanished. After awhile I was strangely clear of mind and more unusually calm of mind. I was calm and I was not sad. I felt something akin to being happy. I was numb, but in comparison i was happy. My mind still reached for the same thoughts but at a slow relaxed pace. I talked to my son in a calm relaxed way and it was nice.

It stuck me that this is the state my (x-)girlfriend is in or something like it. A state where the pain goes away and the only word to describe it is happy. If so I understand more or maybe more clearly.

I have slept a few hours and now am awake again and that state is gone. I have not gone through any waves of sadness yet, but the maelstrom thought is back and my body aches. Not aches that most people have, but my fybromyalgia pain. The medication I am on all but eliminates the symptoms except under extreme depression or lack of sleep. Needless to day for the past few days I have been achy.

Anyway I am not here to express the pain so much as to use it to reflect on the difference between my current norm and last night and I have no idea why.

I guess I just want to share, to express and to talk.

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There is so much you are having to process, Waiting. Something that we learn in good therapy is the extent to which we get to take things with us. I truly believe there are many good things from your relationship that were very real and that you get to take with you. I'm so sorry it ended, but your bag isn't empty. You get to take the qualities you discovered in yourself with you.

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Thanks, I understand. I know there is much positive I have gained and more importantly my (x-)gf gained. I have told people in the pat and I truly meant it that if our relationship ended today I would not want to have changed anything. The problem right now is that I am not convinced it is over. I am not convinced this is not a temporary response to the pain and anguish she could no longer deal with.

What will happen? I have no idea. Will we be friends? We both still want to be. We we be more? Time will tell.

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