A dissociative way is indeed not healthy, but maybe it could be helpful for a period of time when we need it, in this case during the time you cannot be together. I don't know, just speculate. Maybe now it's better for her this way, but then it will be crucial to change her "attitude" - when you'll meet again.

May I ask; how do you communicate with her? By e-mail? Because you said once that the police doesn't want you to communicate together and I'm not sure what it means in practice.

If it was just the dissociative I would be fine. She is self harming again, she is bulimic again, she is engaging in sex with random people. Some of this is from a blog of hers, some came through a friend.

If I communicate in anyway with her it is illegal. I am sure i could communicate safely and to alarge degree this is more important to me, but I don't think now is the right time, but I am so worried.

Oh, I haven't supposed it being so bad...

Shouldn't she be in therapy (sorry if she is and I don't remember...)? She doesn't want to or there is a financial reason, ...?

I am pretty sure she is not in therapy. First she distrusts it as it has not tended to be kind to her in the past.

Second I think that she at some level wants this to destroy her. I am sure that at some level this is causing her grief in the pain she knows it will cause her.

Third she has rationalized that I am a bad person to be involved with romantically. I think this is part of the dissociation and to deal with that she would need to accept those feeling of love. She is a very very smart girl.

So now I see that for her, you probably don't represent any-more the one who'll save her from these self-destructing tendencies . So what are you worrying about is also if you can "take that position" back, even if only as a friend (?). Do you believe that only love/a "true" lover could help her with this? Me, I believe much in the power of friendship and I suppose that you both, too, as you're relationship was a powerful friendship in the beginning. So I see a big chance that even if she refuse your love, you'll be able to help her to overcome all these terrible issues.

Sorry, I see that I just "summarize a part of the situation" by other words and don't bring anything "new" ... But my therapist often does this and it can give me a good feeling that "at least he understands me", so... (I hope that this post doesn't give you a feeling that I've misunderstood...)

Now I have to go as I have a lecture (for biology students) in 2 hrs and I have to prepare myself to it... I'll be off-line till tomorrow, I suppose...

L.

Have a good day.

I think you understand pretty well.

I believe that right now she can't see me as a person she loves because to do so would do two major things that would create stress.

1. If she believes she may love me in the future it will bring that pain into her life again.

2. If she believes she could love me she will have to live with all horrible things she did to me.

I believe a big part of her recovery will be dealing with that love one way or another.

I'm here again for a while. (The lecture was fine; the first and probably the last of this kind - I was substituting the professor who's also my supervisor...)

I see it as a big advantage that you can so rationally identify and formulate the problems and questions - you seem prepared very well for the process of recovery. I hope so much she'll be "responsive"...

Have a good day, too

Hi and I am glad it went well.

The problems are my fears.

I always have a fear then when i try to help someone they might not want to help and literally tell me to "fuck off"

Mostly I am afraid of rushing and turning her against me or waiting to long and having irreparable damage done.

I am also afraid I am making it seem worse than it is. One of her closest friends things she is ok.

One of her closest friends things she is ok.

I don't want to be too pessimistic, but... this is nice and shows that "she is able to appear to be OK" (which is better than if not), but that's all . I'm sorry to say it, I just want to stay honest...

BTW, how are your children? I hope they can cope with this situation (I mean; that you can't be with her) and don't feel "too" affected by it.

I always prefer the truth even if it hurts and this does not. In this case I know she is doing well in life in general from sn outside point of view. She learned this long ago. How to keep functioning and do well and present as normal well inside she is not. She also learned how to present to herself to be well which I suppose helps a lot to present to others.

I know she wants me as a friend and I know she is open to what the future may bring, I only hoe it brings her true happiness.

My kids are remarkably well. I have no idea if it is genetics or their upbringing. I know I have alway been as honest with them as they were capable of understanding and often more. I know I have always treated them as human and not some pet life like most parents do. Not in the sense that they don't love them, but in the sense that they are that smart and need the parent to filter the world and not trust their judgement.

A lot has happened around them and they take it all in stride. They saw the breakdown of their parents marriage and their father's depression and yet I always remained a loving a capable father and was completely open with them. They saw the love of my and my partner first hand and knew it to be honest, nurturing and true. They experienced indirectly the arrest and incarceration of their father whom they knew was innocent because they saw it with their own eyes. The same with my firing based on the same relationship.

They saw the horrible effects of the forced separation on their father and to a lesser degree their friend.

They have seen the effects of their mothers refusal to cooperation on their father and his refusal to give up.

They have seen it all and are still astoundingly well.

I am close to me kids and talk to them often about everything including the effect of this. I have also observed them. In a way it has shown them how strong their father is and at the same time how human and vulnerable.

In terms of my partner moving on. Their thought tend to be similar to my own. My daughter just can't see how this will last on a very emotional level. My son thinks she has made some poor choices, but both like me still want to be her family even if it is in a very different way.

It's a great gift to have a father/a parent like you ... I also think that being honest, treating the child as human (who's not stupid and doesn't have to be submissive) and talk about everything is among the most important things in parenting.

(I don't write this as a child who would miss this. My mom is very much "of this kind", too . And I've always appreciated it. But it's also true that I was never the kind of child who tells his/her parent "everything" that hurts him/her. I have been hiding many, many pains and fears (for instance, as 11 yo, I supposed I had cancer, although being perfectly healthy, and I feared death very much, but I never told anybody about it - that's only one of the most strange examples...)... My therapist suggested that it was because I hadn't a father and saw my mom as somebody who has too much of her own problems, that's why I didn't want to bring her even more problems. Now I think it might be possible that with a dad in our family I would feel somehow... that "I can tell my parents everything and it will be OK". Maybe. Fortunately, now I have my therapist and he can substitute to a great extend what a father couldn't do for me... I hope you don't mind I talk so much about myself on your blog )