things hurt. I can't say why. I mean they won't let me say and it's a risk just to mention them. I'm feeling chased. Maybe I deserve this. My thoughts are disrupted. I'm normal for a while then bam, it's like what I would imagine is a bad acid trip and then just as suddenly I'm back in real world again. Or is it the real world? I want to do mountains of drugs so that it will make sense that I am this detached from reality. Sober I have no excuse.

If I deserve this, then why am I fighting it. I don't know if the thoughts are making me bad, or if I am bad so I have the bad thoughts. I don't even know what I means anymore except something to day before "don't know". The worst part is I know this makes no sense, but I think there is something I'm supposed to find out here. Goddam I think I fucked it up.