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what is happening


Ralph

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things hurt. I can't say why. I mean they won't let me say and it's a risk just to mention them. I'm feeling chased. Maybe I deserve this. My thoughts are disrupted. I'm normal for a while then bam, it's like what I would imagine is a bad acid trip and then just as suddenly I'm back in real world again. Or is it the real world? I want to do mountains of drugs so that it will make sense that I am this detached from reality. Sober I have no excuse.

If I deserve this, then why am I fighting it. I don't know if the thoughts are making me bad, or if I am bad so I have the bad thoughts. I don't even know what I means anymore except something to day before "don't know". The worst part is I know this makes no sense, but I think there is something I'm supposed to find out here. Goddam I think I fucked it up.

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Ralph do you have a therapist? If you can, try not to think in terms of "bad" and "I deserve this," because that dynamic against yourself can really set you back and deepen confusion. I don't know what you are struggling with, but it might help to search for things that anchor you, and not things that cut you down. :)

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I have a therapist. I'm working with her on depression. My guess is what I'm struggling with is depersonalization on top of some very low self esteem.

Thank you for the tip. I will look for things that anchor me. I know music works well.

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