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fell off


Ralph

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Last night I caved in and drank. I made a deal with myself that if I got everything done on my to do list that I would allow that. Magically I got everything done, which is a rare thing for me. Usually my limit is about 3 things and I get distracted.

This morning I noticed I feel more solid, like I'm on planet earth as opposed to yesterday where I felt like I hardly existed in a physical sense. I know that it is just a perception but perceptions can be quite persuasive, and I was tired of it. I was tired of everyday objects seeming bizarre and almost alien. God I hate being crazy.

Going to try again. First time was to see where I'm at right now. 6 days clean after a three week bender feels like an accomplishment. Problem is I have at least two conflicting drives. On the one hand, alcohol works against my physical and mental health so I want to avoid it. On the other, it seems like social relationships in my demographic are based on high alcohol consumption. Most of my friends I've made through partying and if I try to go sober I lose a lot of friends or people that I thought I was establishing a rapport with suddenly stop talking to me. Only non-drinkers I know are Mormon and it's difficult to socialize with them because they tend to have a bunch of toddlers and not being a parent we have no common ground. Plus being gay is not a big plus among that crowd.

ATM I am thinking that I need to set goals for intellectual and physical accomplishment and then booze is either supporting or inhibiting those goals, which will in turn determine the way I should handle alcohol. Sure beats drinking whenever I feel like it to self medicate my depression.

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Can you drink in moderation? If you're at a party/bar, try starting off with cranberry and soda, or OJ and soda, then drink alcohol really slowwwwly the rest of the night (my trick). Or hang out with women, or people a little older, they don't drink as much:). If your friends think less of you because you don't drink them under the table, are they really friends worth having?

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I can drink moderately, but that nullifies the self medication aspect. Even when I do get drunk though, I never get sloppy drunk. I do drink a pint of water in between cocktails to space out the drinks.

These friends are worth having because they connect me to professional opportunities. They are my true friends as well, in terms of genuine mutual respect and we can talk about things you wouldn't discuss with mere acquaintances. Having a high alcohol tolerance is only a gimmick. It's something that people like to see, so I get attention for it. Once people see that they tend to be more interested in getting to know the real me. I dunno how that works, it's just what I've observed over time.

I've been trying meetups to find people outside of a drinking environment, but haven't had any success with that so far. I'm a huge flake, which doesn't really help in that effort.

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