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Machine logic



Day 5 of operation liver break is mostly wrapped up, now my first weekend.

Without alcohol I am feeling altered, even though I'm technically sober. Right now I'm having racing thoughts and cannot concentrate for long enough to write much without it descending into tangent after tangent. Sometimes I'm ecstatic, and other times I am very frightened.

One thing though is that I don't feel suicidal for a change and that has led me to see what the benefit of being suicidal is: Invulnerability. Caring about life brings hope but it also brings worry. Something bad might happen but something good might happen too. I think there is more to it than that but its not resolved for me yet.


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Mmm, she's got a point: bad things keep happening when you're depressed, and usually for me, it only reinforces the depression (I don't ignore them, or really not care. What I ignore when I'm depressed are the good things that happen.)

The benefit of meeting bad things when you're not depressed is that you have a better chance of handling them well. The alertness and belief in your own power can make you a lot more successful at changing bad things into good, or at least minimizing the losses.

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There are two things that are going on between suicidality and depression. They overlap somewhat but I can be one without the other. Depression is not pain for me. It is like my emotions are two dimensional instead of three dimensional. I can kind of recognize what I should be feeling but I don't really feel in the same way as I do when I'm not depressed. So when bad things happened and I'm depressed, I'm buffered in a way. However it takes away a significant amount of motivation and creativity. It's unpleasant to be sure, but I have to be feeling real emotions to experience true suffering.

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Emotions are there for a reason. I don't think dulling them makes a lot of sense. We just need to listen to them, understand them, and not let them overwhelm us or control us. Then get them working in concert with our thinking brain to actually help us rather than hinder us. I am reading the book "Emotional Intelligence" right now. Fascinating book. It even points out the problems that people who are devoid of emotion have. They particularly have trouble making decisions because faced with several options, they have no emotion to guide them as to which one they prefer. I can't imagine living without emotion at all. Well actually I can. That's what I call 'complete apathy' and it is a state I find far worse than being depressed as it equates to a kind of "living death". Probably why I dislike any drug that flattens the emotions.

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Funny you should mention that Athena. Making decisions is very hard for me, even everyday things like should I shower first or eat breakfast. There's a fable called "Buridan's Ass" about a donkey who is equidistant from two identical pastures. Unable to establish a preference for one or the other, he starves to death in indecision. I relate to this a little more than I would like to.

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You mention that when you are depressed "you are buffered in a way". Which means to me, when you are depressed, your emotions are dulled. That makes sense to me. So I'm curious - do you find decisions harder when you are depressed or when you are not?

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way harder when depressed. That's one of the most difficult symptoms to deal with because it undermines the more positive strategies like playing music or getting exercise. I need to decide to do that in the first place, and when I cannot even care about whether I get better or not it creates a self-reinforcing cycle.

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Exactly as I expected. Knock out the emotions, knock out the ability/motivation to make decisions. I can totally relate. Would you call yourself bipolar by any chance? I have most of the symptoms of that. But I dislike any drug that causes emotional flatness (outside of Seroquel because it's fast acting, knocks me out at 300 mg and I can take it only when under massive panic/anxiety/suicidality so I don't have to be emotionally flatlined all the time, only when I need to be.). I think running has become the main mood stabilizer for me, and it comes with many side benefits and few side effects (outside of pulled muscles).

What kind of instrument/music do you play?

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I'm mostly a bassist but I like to play tuba as well. It's easier to practice bass with headphones though in consideration of the neighbors. :D

Don't think I'm bipolar. Been on seroquel + AD for a while and I feel less suicidal but overall feel worse. It's like dropping a hammer on your toe to clear a headache. Nursing the new injury certainly makes you forget about the headache! Just as with that dealing with the brain fog of seroquel robs me of any initiative I might have had to off myself but I still feel like a ghost.

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I'm mostly a bassist but I like to play tuba as well. It's easier to practice bass with headphones though in consideration of the neighbors. :rolleyes:
. I would imagine. Do you play with others as well?

Just as with that dealing with the brain fog of seroquel robs me of any initiative I might have had to off myself but I still feel like a ghost.

. My sentiments exactly. I bet if you can force yourself to do regular runs, you could wean yourself off the meds. It's hard at first, but it gets easier over time. As you are probably well aware, you shouldn't be drinking at all with the meds either - it's a double whammy. Just thought I'd offer a friendly reminder:).
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