Seems the harder I try to quit alcohol the more scrambled my brains get. It's really hard to focus on anything right now, which is why I haven't been able to write here for a few days. Mood is all over the place from abject despair to optimism that I could get my life together. Either way I've gotten detached from my emotions because they are changing so fast it's like one of those days where it's alternately cloudy and sunny from minute to minute.

I am drinking less but can't seem to keep myself sober for a day. Also getting cravings for opiates and tobacco, basically anything I could kill myself with. Suicide seems really appealing too except I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. There's also still some hope that eventually I will figure out a reason to live and I should give that a good faith effort. I'm trying to focus on the positive. Listening to the right music seems to be helping.

Saw new pdoc, seems a little easier to talk to but doesn't seem to want to talk about adhd with me. Moved seroquel down by half and put in buspirone for anxiety. Couldn't sleep on that so I took a benadryl too and got about 6.5 hrs. On the bright side I felt less fuzzy this morning but the buspirone seems to make me a little dizzy about an hour after I take it, like if I had only one drink. Also getting these weird shocking sensations. Not as bad as when I quit SSRIs a while back but similar. Main goal is to get off of everything prescription and non-prescription.

It's been so long since I've felt like myself. I've obviously gotten into a bad situation through inattention to how my life was going. Finally getting what Socrates meant by the unexamined life not being worth living - with no direction life gets worse and worse over time. I need to figure out what went wrong and use that to move forward.