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I'm on a journey inward.

The first door I open leads into a closet-like room so large that I can't tell how far it stretches. The room is filled with clothes racks packed with costumes. It looks like an enormous dry cleaner's.

But I'm not here to pick out a fresh persona. I hurry along the packed ranks of fakery towards the back of the room. The wall at that end is radiating an extremely bright but diffuse white light. As I leave the clothes racks behind, the scene changes entirely.

Now I'm in a gloomy castle; no sign of the bright light remains. The only light is gray, and comes from narrow windows set high in the walls. I'm in a throne room, with an ornate but empty throne at the far end. Seated at its feet is a wizened old man. I cannot tell whether he's the steward or the court jester, a wise counselor or a fool.

But the seat of command is empty. It appears to have been unused for quite a long time. I think it has been waiting for me, and I am ashamed that I've been absent for so long.

Yet it seems that I don't know how to get there. I see where I need to be, but still I remain where I am.


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Maybe remaining where you are, gives you time to work out how to move forward, and the best way of doing so - damage limitation in a way perhaps?

IDK, Im possibly wayyy off as normal, my head is in a strange place itself - and has a lot of unusual ways of seeing things:rolleyes: :(

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Well, the underlying problem in my life, that led to my depression and passivity and so on, is probably that I'm avoidant. I cleverly side-step any decision that comes along.

And sure, the intention is damage prevention, but the underlying assumption is that anything _I_ do will cause damage. At the root, it's self-esteem.

But so far, all I've had at the helm was either a tired old man (my father-image), or an idiot. Some time soon I'm going to have to take the responsibility for myself.

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And sure, the intention is damage prevention, but the underlying assumption is that anything _I_ do will cause damage.

For what it's worth, as much as I argue with you about....everything.... I don't see your input as damaging. Arguing and venting is actually helpful....it forces me to engage other parts of my brain... :cool:

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It's worth a lot, Z, to know I'm not making things worse for you. {The statement quoted is my general feeling about me trying to solve my own problems, that I expect to make them worse.}

The funny thing is that my father and I used to have very similar "arguments". Only back then, I took the side you're taking. :-)

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my point exactly. You are assuming I'm calling your thinking a "religion". But then, I suppose we could have a grand argument about the definition of the word "religion" and decide that is the case afterall. Mostly I was just defending against the assumptions you were making about what you seemed to think I was thinking.

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I thought you were thinking that. :-P

Please, Z. I may have made assumptions. I may have made wrong assumptions. Those I'll freely apologize for.

I came through a change of perspective, surviving my own death wish, and in some ways, I'm still exploring just how radical a shift it was.

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Most of mine aren't really "quips", Beth. I just visualize differently, I think. I love screening common phrases for their alternate meanings. It's how I relate to words, in a way. Plus, it uses extra bandwidth that might otherwise be bored.

It's never meant in a mean way.

I'm definitely "called" to command (of myself) in some way, but I've also spent a lifetime avoiding the call. I let the steward or the jester ;-) or some other part handle the request instead ...

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