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A new machine



Hurting, waiting for it to pass. Struggling with suicidal thoughts again. Nothing like any drama in my life, just plain depression. I want to kill myself like I want a drink. I know I shouldn't. I know that it will only hurt the people I care for the most, and that's why I resist the urge. The urge is there, though, nonetheless.

Do you ever get tired of the waiting?


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Keep waiting for it to pass, Ralph, if it's not over yet :o... Would it help to write about the reasons of the urge? Would it help to hear we like you and we'd miss you much, too? Would it help to know

(or do you prefer this version?


I'm sorry, Ralph, that you're in this pain again :). But I hope you see it's less often than in your past. I believe you can do it: You can get rid of these recurrent states of mind!

Hold on, my friend. Waiting can be fatiguing and exhausting, but sometimes we can only wait... :o

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Waiting for it to pass is never easy. But giving in to any self destructive urges just to bump yourself out of the waiting tends to only make things worse in the end. Keep reminding yourself that it WILL pass and that this feeling CAN'T hurt you in any physical or lasting way. I personally have found that waiting it out (instead of giving in and cutting or whatever else) usually leaves me feeling very calm and centered once it does pass. Hang in there. I hope you feel better soon. Are you able to talk to your boyfriend about these feelings?

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This is more like what's going on for me:

Happy music feels strange when I'm down. But it's my own fault. I'm reducing meds, which makes me feel like a machine. If I don't replace my molecular parts on a regular basis I break down. Real people don't need pills to keep going. They grow their own molecules.

Tapering off the benzos per pdoc and I suspected this would happen. Oh well. It was fun while it lasted. Might get better on the rebound. Sposed to start Cymbalta for depression/GAD.

I can talk to my boyfriend and he does try to help but I only tell him about half of it because I don't want him to worry.

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Happy music feels strange when I'm down.

:o Sorry for posting it :o. As I know it's like that - probably for everybody: Happy music is not a good choice when feeling bad. I posted it just to illustrate the idea that it will get better, but it wasn't a good idea...

Real people don't need pills to keep going. They grow their own molecules.

:) It's strange to see you having such thoughts/opinons. What about diabetes, hypertension, ... ? You might say "those diseases are different" - but why?? Brain is a part of the body as well and it "has the right" to be ill, to need some external chemical support.

Good luck with the med adjustments...

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It's my perfectionism talking. I would never say that to somebody else. In my own case though, even if I had diabetes, hypertension, or some other chronic illness I would still feel broken. Sorry, I'm hurting. I say dumb things when that happens. This blog is where I figure things out... sometimes ideas are good, others are to be discarded. Other times I feel like I need a reference point. Maybe over time I will find a pattern.

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Sorry you're hurting, Ralph. Say all the dumb things you want. We don't mind.

Sometimes I try to turn my mood around with music via a carefully constructed playlist. I start with music that matches my mood and slowly morph it around until it leads me to the mood I'd prefer to have. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. If all else fails, there are always logic puzzles...;)

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