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Can You Really Fight the trick mirror?



Having been diagnosed with depression for ten years now, but dealing with for more like 14 years, I've always tried to figure out how depression works. I guess I do that to find a way to fix myself. It's tiresome to deal with the mood swings, the mixed feelings, and not to mention the blows to my self esteem. I'm tired of second guessing what I see. It's like the mirrors at the fair, where you appear short and wide or tall and skinny,-the mirror distorts your image. As with depression, it distorts everything you see, not just how you see yourself, but how you see everything that goes on around you and how you see everyone around you. Nothing I see is ever clear or free from a second guess. I get so darn tired of that. Sometimes I wonder if depression is actually caused by a way you are taught to think from an early age. For example, my parents always told me that everyone else came first and always put myself last. Is that always necessarily true? I remember being told at an early age not to pray for myself, by my mother, because it is selfish. Not until about a year ago, in a conversation with my father-in-law, who is a preacher, did I find that this was not true. Now, I can understand if I were praying to win the lottery, or something like that, but I never in my life prayed for my health because I didn't want to be selfish. Then ofcourse, there was all the negative attitudes surrounding me between my mom and my dad. I don't know why criticism came so easily to them. I feel I question myself because my parents pretty much tossed all the good things that I done in life to the side, and really zeroed in on the negative things they could find. I received a lot of criticism for things I didn't even do. Sheesh, if someone in the county that was close to my age got in trouble for something and went to the same high school as me, then I caught hell. In their mind, if someone I went to school with was doing it, then so was I.

The way I see it, I started off at a disadvantage. Now that I'm older and have been out on my own for ten years, I question why I suffer so much. Why can't I see what's before me at face value instead of second guessing myself. I wish I could tear all the mirrors down so that I can truly see what's on the other side. I'm sick of feeling the sadness that locks itself inside the pits of my stomach for no apparent reason. Sure, I could sit here all day and think back to the past about all the things that have happened that could make me sad. But instead, even when things are going great, I'm still waiting for that storm cloud to come rolling in or I create a storm cloud for myself unknowingly.

Battling the "trick mirror" in my mind is job I've yet to master. I have to analyze my every thought and every word spoken, just to make sure it's not tainted by what depression makes me see. It's crazy how much depression can affect a person. I'm fed up with taking antidepressants. All it does is make me tired. Sure, it stabilizes my moods to an extent, but I already suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, the medicine is dragging me down more. I don't feel like medicine should be depended upon to fix this. I think I need a patient therapist willing to reprogram my thought process. One who understands MY decision and respects my opinion about medicine. I'd like to tell them I know myself better than anyone, but then again, do I? I second guess that too......

Just a little rant caused my pure disgust of living with depression.


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Jenna--are you currently seeing a therapist? There is nothing wrong with switching therapists and even switching meds if the side effects are too much. (antidepressants messed me up royally). It's difficult to overcome the programming we receive as children. A good therapist can help you with that. I'm sorry your parents treated you this way. That wasn't ok and I hope you can realize that none of it was your fault. As the adults in your life, it was their job to nurture you with kindness.

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Thanks for the support. I have seen four therapist now.... the ending result being "It's hereditary." and a prescription to go up on antidepressants. The last one that I saw was not long after my brother passed away, and though he too said it sounded as if it were hereditary, might be worth a few more visits. He did say we couldn't really discuss much of my past at that point because I was so consumed with grief so he scheduled me for another appointment which I could not attend because my husband lost his job and now I have no insurance. The good news is I am eligible for a medical card so I will be able to go back soon.

One thing I did like about this dr. is that he let me disagree without getting offended of my opinion. One thing I didn't like was the quick rush to the prescription pad to change my medicine and add a sleeping pill. I tore both up and remained on the same meds. as I was before. I am on the lowest dose of antidepressant that i can take, but he feels it's too mild of a dose and medicine for the severity of my depression. I think mixing other medicines with a medicine that I have to take to regulate my heart rate really makes the tiredness worse.

I have been on the heart medicine since I was 11 years old due to a heart defect. I'm just tired of medicine and after ten years of taking antidepressants, it's not gotten any better, only worse. Since my brother passed away, I've really tried to focus on getting my depression and anxiety under control so that I can live life to it's fullest. Mostly, I don't want my children to remember me as one of few smiles and tired all the time when they think of their mother. I want to be able to take my children to the park, and be active in their school, but both my depression, low self esteem and anxiety stops me from participating. I think with the proper medicine but more importantly, with the proper way of thinking, that I can turn my life around and start to live again. I feel guilty for having depression and anxiety. I feel it takes away from my husband and my children. It's not fair to them at all.

As far as my parent's go, I do struggle at times with second guessing whether their actions and words were justified. I doubt myself constantly and then I get angry about it. That's the area I need help with the most. I need to be able to make a decision by myself without questioning it. I also feel obligated to continue to take their verbal and emotional abuse since they did give me life. I need someone to help me figure out what's best to do in this situation. After all they are my parents and I don't feel that me turning a cold shoulder to them would be right. Two wrongs don't make a right. It's all very complicated and I'm looking forward to my next session which should be within the next month. Wish me luck. I hope I can figure things out instead of spending the rest of my life secluded in darkness.

Thanks again Pseud, your opinions are valued. God Bless.

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"It's hereditary."

How could they say this?? Yes, you inherided it from your parents, but not (at least not only) in your genes, but through their behaviour and attitude towards you!!!

Wish me luck. I hope I can figure things out instead of spending the rest of my life secluded in darkness.

I wish you the best of luck, Jenna. I see you thinking very clearly and wisely, you can see your situation very well, so... I'm sure you are able to make a lot of progress. I hope you'll find the right therapist soon and he/she'll help you with it.

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My depression is messing with my self esteem and self image soooo much. I make myself sick sometimes. I'm disgusted with myself today. Ughhhhhhh. I haven't been out of the house in almost a week. I'm embarrassed with myself. And frustrated, as well.

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