I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this jenna. I hope you will consider trying not to judge your reactions to the pain and stress of losing your brother. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. I don't know if there needs to be a reason for why you are having more difficulty now. Maybe your mind has decided that it is time to process some things. I know I have had flashbacks of events that occured decades ago for seemingly no reason at all. Often, though, I notice that stress of any sort--even unrelated to the traumatizing events--can make them worse for awhile. I hope you are able to get back in therapy soon and work through this some more. I am sorry you feel too embarassed to speak to your husband about this. Could you try? If not, we are still here, listening, supporting you in any way we can.

Thanks Pseudome, and yes I do feel like I'm losing it. I've never experienced the flashback thing before in my life. I don't feel like anything about me is normal anymore. The old me is gone and what's left doesn't look so appealing in any way.

I've tried talking to my husband, but he gets frustrated with me a lot. Seems as though that's a pattern with people that surround me. I must be a real pain in the a$$. That's the only conclusion that I come to. He's lost many friends, and all his grandparents, so loss is something he claims he's used to. I personally don't see how you can get used to it. Every time I just try to reminisce about times me and Charlie had together, I know he's not paying attention. I feel like he thinks I'm a child at times with the way I deal with stress. I think he forgets he's 13 years older than me and has lived a completely different lifestyle and had a whole other upbringing than myself. Sometimes I just need to be held. Sometimes I just need to talk. I feel as if my only friend is a blog. That's the only way I can let out what's locked inside because a computer screen can't say, "Hey, quit whining and shut up!"

I'm so frustrated with everything right now and I feel so lonely. I know I'm hard to understand.... I don't even understand myself anymore.

Hi, Jenna,

I'm sorry I missed your blog before .

I'm sorry you have to experience this and don't have the support you need . Would it help to give to your husband some good articles to read - about panic attack and other similar consequences of a loss? (There surely are some on the web, just try to do a search.)

Don't be so harsh on yourself . No need to question your sanity. And no reason for shame. We all need to be held and/or heard. We all have our inner child who needs tenderness and care. You deserve this all. I hope your husband is, in general, loving and caring.

You can talk to us when you need. It's not just "a computer screen". We are here (although not always...) and want to listen to you.

Take care!

P.S.: You have nice colors here, on your blog! They also go well together with your avatar! ;-)

Wanted to send you a hug.

Thanks Beth. That was so sweet.

I'm hoping to feel better soon. I called the doctor and he switched my anti depressant. I've had success with this medicine before. THe only reason I went off of it was because I got pregnant and they had to find something safer for me to take. I'm hoping to be able to control my emotional outbursts a little better. It had gotten to the point I'd cry as soon as the alarm clock went off. I'll have medical assistance within the next two weeks so I can start back in therapy. I have a long way to go to recovery. I've just held so much in for so long, and it's really done the damage. I told my husband last night that he had never really met me because I haven't been myself in years. We have only been married for just over two years. He's never seen the happy person that I used to be, who was motivated, funny, confident, and a pleasure to be around. I really need a lot of prayers at this point. I've never been able to open up and explain how I feel and tell things that I've been through. I hope that I can develop a comfort and relationship with my therapist that will allow me to do these things. I hope to make progress soon. Thanks all for being here for me, I can't fully express how much it means to me.

I wish you good luck with the med and with your new therapy!!! It's great that you're so motivated! Hang on!