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Things always change ☺



Its a new day.

Im happy enough, things arent perfect - but then if you dont expect them to be then it saves on any dissapointment.

Work is going so brilliantly, that Im begining to wonder why I never returned sooner - self doubt probably - ever the optimist - thats me :(

Gotten a challenging couple of days ahead of me. Cant hold onto pipe dreams that everything will turn out fine - the past few week ends have already taught me that one. But I can hold onto the fact that I can control my words enough not to make situations worse - especially where family members are concerned. No matter how much my insides are screaming at me that its all a wasted excercise, that my beloved older siblings are just looking for a scape goat for our pasts - in my heart I know differently so Im patiently perciviering, and just letting them say all they feel they need too. I wont bite - by joining in on their screaming and balling match of how unfair life was to them - I WONT !!!

Our childhoods were so different, that honestly at times I find it hard to sympathise or admitidly even care that some things upset my older siblings when to me they seem so minute and insignificant. I mean damn it My sis an I were proper struggling just to survive, and I know that life in a childrens home is no palace or even easy - but atleast they gotten fed, clothed, and were safe.

Found out recently that my siblings always thought I was my parents favourite child, and thought I was treated differently to them - better than them. Yeah, I was real 'special'. My papa really LOVED me.

Sorry Im whing assing - when I should be going off to work - Guess Im just feeling edgy an a little down. Nothing a bar (or two) of cadburys' on the way to work wont solve :cool:

Hope y'all have a good weekend, and have fun - even if its only a little :)


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Wow that is a lot to deal with, Suesue! :(

Maybe pacing your involvment with family, so you have some space to be you and breathe?

I'm so glad work is going well. It is good to have an outlet for your talents!!! :(

Take care of you, dear one!!!! :(

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Had to cut short my visiting my brother - things went a bit wrong last night - but thankfully I am back up North now. Dont think I will be visiting that particular brother again for a long long while. Guess Im just a little upset and very dissapointed and disheartened. So much for starting another chapter, or for putting our pasts behind us and starting afresh in the present day. I suppose its gotta be more than just me that wants it.

Im just NO bloody good when things get physical, I can just about cope (kinda) with the raise voices and angry talk. After all - who wouldnt be angry. But when hands become weapons I just cant deal. Bruses heal, and fade away - in time. However experiences leave a perminant scar - Ive just gotten no more space in my memory bank or bravery inside of me to put myself through this behaviour anymore - even if it is family. Yet another weekend where harsh lessons gotten learnt. Time left now to lick my wounds, pick myself up, dust myself down, and damn well sort myself and my head out before work starts Tuesday morning.

Im just so bloody sad, I could cry myself to death right now - woner if thats even possible - by all rights I shoulda ran outta tears years ago.


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I'm so sorry that your visit with your brother turned out like that. I hope you know enough to know that it isn't a reflection on you in the least. No one should ever treat you that way. Not ok. Not ok at all. Sue needs to be safe and loved and appreciated.

I'm around for a little bit if you need to talk.

Do we need to retreat bunker? I can get it ready if you need....

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Here we go:


Lets see....I've got tissues and chocolate in there already. A cozy bed made for you, with pink blankets. What else....hot chocolate? With marshmallows and whipped cream, right?

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Thanks everyone :(

I have decided to put off visiting family for a few more years or so. I dont think my older siblings are ready to put the past behind us all, think they are still looking for someone to blame for the early life they had. The thing is there is no one responsible to take that blame, not in the living world at any rate. Which leaves me as the scape goat for it all - and Im just not prepared to allow myself to listen to all that hurt be placed upon my shoulders, or be the punchbag for the anger that occurs from time to time when they remember certain things. Life is harsh - its harsh for everyone, in different ways but still its harsh at times. All I can do is wish them some peace on their individual journeys, and hope for the best for each of them. Its sad and breaks my heart, but it is what it is. I cant change any of it.

Life goes on, in a round about messed up, insane way, but at times I can smile, a smile that stretches further than any badness that happens - if I allow it :o

Hope you guys are all well (as can be) thinking of you all, take care :(

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