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Situation Normal



So far mood has gotten a little better. Not bouncing from end to end as quickly but still a couple rough spots where it feels like the whole world has gone dark. Appetite is low until I take meds, then become a human vacuum machine. Sleep is nice too. My libido still is a shadow of its former self but still trying to figure out if that is worth the price of relief. The main risk is staying sober will become harder without certain other... outlets shall we say. Plus AAPs don't just make me crave food but also anything else I've ever enjoyed including pills and cigarettes and beer. The upside is I'm not suicidal right now. That should be a signal, I think.

The signal being that if I need pills to stay sober and not kill myself then something is wrong with my life. That something is no direction. I'm just chasing success because that's what I'm supposed to do. Go to college get a job get laid off get graduate degree, get better job, get nice car, settle down, fitter, happier, no surprises. I am going to work on finding the reason I chose to live. At the same time I am glad to be in the rat race because three years ago I was unemployed with no idea what to do about it. Yet it seems like a reason to live would give a direction that the rat race won't give you and sustains you through the hard times. Who knows really.

Keep moving forward

-Walt Disney and Rocky Balboa


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What about setting a music goal (sorry I don't know what stage you're at but you seem wayyyy ahead of me. How about composing music and uploading to u-tube or just jamming with others?) or other hobby goal? How about a relationship goal? I have noticed that when you write goals down here you seem to achieve them. Nothing like developing a special talent or being in a loving relationship to change one's outlook on life.

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You're right. I should set a goal to learn a new song in the next 3 weeks. That's when the love of my life gets back. He'll probably be pretty happy if I am doing better by the time he gets here.

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Wow. Wish I could even contemplate setting a goal like that! I give myself 6 months to a year to learn something new. My memory really sucks under stress and I definitely need a skills upgrade. Only one I know right now is 'Careless Whisper' - I found a decent piano arrangement. I really wanted to play 'Tonight' (my very favourite G.M. tune) but couldn't find the music so I'll wait until I can just figure out the instrumental on my own.

I don't know your history but it sounds like you've got the relationship part figured out. I imagine your life is going to get a whole lot better shortly.

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