I'm sorry your father's health is not good, Jenna. It's difficult watching our parents grow older and to see them struggling with their health.

I can't imagine what it must be like losing a close family member way too soon as you have lost your brother. Keep expressing yourself. I hope that one day the pain will not be so strong or so close. I hope you can find a path to peace and healing. Take care, Jenna.

Thank you, Beth. Do you believe there is such a peace that exists now? I wonder quite often if I'll ever have peace. I went to dial my brother's number out of habit a few days ago to discuss New Years Plans- A quick lapse of memory caused days worth of grief because I felt the pain all over again as soon as I realized it wouldn't do any good to dial his number and the only way I could spend New years with him is above ground next to a cold gray stone. Talking about a punch to the stomach! I've half a mind to sit the new Year in with him anyway. My husband said I wasn't about to go sit in a cemetary at midnight. I'm sure people have done stranger things. Haven't they?

I experienced my first "oh, poor soul" look today when I went to the doctor. I thought I had the flu but after 5 days of misery, I decided I should go to the doctor. Found out I have a sinus infection. The nurse was a distant relative of mine. My children were with me, my son was into everything and she made a comment about my son that I can't remember specifically but I replied "He reminds me a whole lot of his uncle Charlie". No quicker then I said it, she gave me a look that said "Aww, you poor dear I hope he's not like your brother because your brother was an addict." It stung and in all honesty I wanted to slap the woman, but I just smiled, kept my composure, and fought back a lump in my throat as she stepped quickly out of the room.

Now, I know my brother was an addict. I didn't know and many people didn't know. Everybody loved him while he was here, why should his manner of death change the person they think he was. He was still Charlie. He was still funny, loving, caring-he was the person they loved while he was alive, so don't look at me with pity because of the secret that killed him and has since came out since his toxicology reports came back 8 weeks after he died. I have his ex wife to thank for spreading his cause of death around the world. Anger!

I'm sorry- I have to take a break:(

Do you believe there is such a peace that exists now? I wonder quite often if I'll ever have peace.

I think you can find your way to healing and peace' date=' yes, Jenna. It won't be easy, as you already know, but there is a place to heal in this.

I've half a mind to sit the new Year in with him anyway. My husband said I wasn't about to go sit in a cemetary at midnight. I'm sure people have done stranger things. Haven't they?

Try to be gentle with yourself. You're trying to manage some very painful feelings. No judgment in that. Do you feel a sense of comfort sitting with Charlie? Do you have something of him...something you might hold in your hand to feel that connection in your heart? Maybe there can be a place to connect with him in the light as well.

Everybody loved him while he was here' date=' why should his manner of death change the person they think he was. He was still Charlie. He was still funny, loving, caring-he was the person they loved while he was alive...[/quote']

It's impossible to really know what others are thinking, but maybe this is a representation of something that you fear. I agree that Charlie's drug addiction does not define the person that he was. He was loving and funny and caring. He was your brother. Nothing can ever change that.

I hope you feel better.

Still here...helping one another when things get...tricky.

Happy New Year!