I have been distancing myself from everyone lately. I haven't had a lot to say but plenty has been circulating in this brain of mine. I've been out of the house twice since Christmas Eve, once to go to the doctor for a sinus infection, the second time was a trip to the grocery store. I always find an excuse as to why I'm living this reclusive lifestyle but the truth is, none of the excuses are legitimate reasons for building a wall between myself and the outside world. I've definitely thought long and hard about going to see a psychologist instead of a psychiatrist. I think it's time to sit down with someone and peel back the layers of hurt, untrust, insecurities and scars that have been left from previous years. Three major events in particular that have possibly caused me to go down hill mentally. Then ofcourse there are the small things that aggravate the reactions I have from the larger things that have damaged me deep inside. It's time to go through the pain again, relive the past, and handle it differently- to deal with it the appropriate way instead of bottling it up and letting it eat me up on the inside. I've put myself last for a long time, and I feel that's what has gotten me where I am today. I would be a happier individual with a lot less insecurities had I handled my emotions and resolved the hurt right when it occured rather than pushing it to the back to deal with later. Later, ofcourse, never came, so they just sat there and festered until they came to the surface again. My father always taught me that tears were a sign of weakness.... that was a long time ago and his opinion has changed, I'm sure, but I took that saying to heart and never grieved properly with any of the events that changed my life. I swallowed the hurt and continued on my merry way in life by going through the motions. I should have dealt with it then. It will be hard to deal with now. But I will confront them, because I'm tired of "hiding".

I decided for my New Year's Resolution, my goal would be to find peace about my brother's death. In turn, I've just been avoiding his name, pictures, and my parent's. That's not healthy. My mother insists upon throwing hurtful comments at me every time we talk, even though I've told her I don't want to discuss it, she insists upon rubbing the salt in the wound anyway. I could understand bringing memories, but intentional hurtful words that come out of her mouth absolutely leave me speechless at times. I've stood up to her a few times but mostly I just let her run over me by her listing the ways that I am not like my brother, how they were so much closer, and how I'll never come close to comparing with him. She doesn't seem to understand I'm not trying to compete with him, nor have I ever been. The relationship she describes that she and I apparently don't have is one of dependance. That special relationship she talks so much about is was enabling. Ofcourse we can't have that relationship, I don't have a habit that I need her to help me feed. She doesn't understand the definition of what she calls "the special relationship." I've exhausted myself with trying to reason with her, and I'm just done with trying to get her to see anything. She won't go to therapy, she just carries on with the same stuff everyday, all day long. I feel like she wishes it was me instead of him. I find the only way I can be respectful is to let her say her hurtful words and not say anything back, or to just ignore her altogether.

This year has got to be better. I'm going to break out of this shell and become comfortable in my own skin. I've got to drop the insecurities, become the confident individual I once was before I let people strip me of that confidence, and better myself each day. This is a year for change. Here's hoping.......